Collection of Lame Jokes

[dkotschessaa]

Of course many people know the (Sometimes quoted as Buddhist, sometimes other) parable of the Three Blind Men and the Elephant. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blind_men_and_an_elephant)

But there is also the story of the three blind elephants, who were having a disagreement as to what a man looked like. The first elephant felt the man with his leg

"Man is flat."

The other two elephants touch the man as well and agree.

-DaveK

 

[xunxine]

I think it's like "Tooth Hurty"

I see... Thanks!

How about this one?
http://edvantage.com.sg/edvantage/photos/661116/Bad_English_at_Asia_s_airports.html

 

[DaveC426913]

I have a couple of Buddhist friends who will love this one! * calls them *

Only if they're less than, like, 20 years old. It's been around a long time. All did was dust it off and rub it on my shirt to give it a bit of a shine.

 

[Drakkith]

As requested, I apologise for not posting here. I'll get the hang of this forum one day :D.


A Cajun named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well, then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

"OK, then. Just unload the donkey."

"What you going to do with him?"

"I'm going to raffle him off."

"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

"I raffled him off. I sold 500 hundred tickets at two dollars apiece, and made a profit of $898."

"Didn't anyone complain?"

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

This looks like a joke AND a business opportunity to me...

 

[HeLiXe]

Only if they're less than, like, 20 years old. It's been around a long time. All did was dust it off and rub it on my shirt to give it a bit of a shine.

LOL They're 23 and 24, they didn't get back to me yet tho...I hope they haven't heard it before

 

[DaveC426913]

Of course many people know the (Sometimes quoted as Buddhist, sometimes other) parable of the Three Blind Men and the Elephant. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blind_men_and_an_elephant)

But there is also the story of the three blind elephants, who were having a disagreement as to what a man looked like. The first elephant felt the man with his leg

"Man is flat."

The other two elephants touch the man as well and agree.

-DaveK

That's a hilarious sequel to the three blind men parable.

 

[Borek]

LOL They're 23 and 24, they didn't get back to me yet tho...I hope they haven't heard it before

The joke is now 20 years 29 hours old.

 

[DaveC426913]

The joke is now 20 years 29 hours old.

 

[dkotschessaa]

LOL They're 23 and 24, they didn't get back to me yet tho...I hope they haven't heard it before

They've likely heard it more than once. :)

 

[dkotschessaa]

But here's a really obscure Tibetan oriented one that isn't so moldy, though perhaps a bit long.

Dakinis in Tibet

The members of the Explorers' Club gathered at their meetinghouse one evening to find Sir Ferdinand Feghoot sipping abrandy while leaning gingerly against the fireplace mantel.

"Ferdinand, old boy," shouted Sir Roger, "Back so soon fromthe Peoples' Republic? Sit down and tell us all about it."

Sir Ferdinand grimaced. "I'd rather NOT sit down, Roggie oldboy. But, yes, my mission to China was a success. Not to China, rather, but to old Tibet, the roof of the world,shamelessly annexed by the Red Chinese."

"What brought you to such a cold, inhospitable place," askedSir Thomas. "Searching for ancient Buddhist Sutras? Orperhaps on the trail of the Abominable Snowman?"

"They're called Yetis, these days, Tommie," repliedFerdinand, "But, no, I was invited to help exorcize anabandoned Buddhist temple. My friend Lama Mipham was allowedto restore a long unused temple by the Chinese government. Not for worship, you understand, but as a museum to further extol the glories of the People's Republic. Lama Mipham felt that even for his people merely to have access to the art and architectural treasures stored therein would help prevent thefurther loss of their traditions. "But imagine his surprise, as he began clearing the temple,at being physically attacked!"

"By brigands?" asked Sir Rupert, "Temple robbers, pryingloose rubies as big as your fist, that were used as third-eyeornaments in enormous idols?"

"Lama Mipham is an expert martial artist," Feghootexplained. "He could deal with common criminals. No, he was attacked by supernatural defenders of the faith. Dakinis.

""Dakinis?" all the club members muttered in disbelief. "Yes. It means 'skywalker,' you know. Ghostly women, of allsizes, skin colors, some with animal heads, each armed with amystical weapon that produces very real physical damage."

"No wonder this monk fellow asked for your assistance," said Sir Edmund, "You're well known as an accomplished exorcist. Do sit down and elaborate."

Once again, Feghoot demurred. "I'll not be sitting down forquite a while, I'm afraid. But I rushed to the temple, armed with holy water, and a nasty three-sided dagger called a'purba' that can pierce ghostly flesh."

"How exciting," whispered Sir Oscar.

"No sooner did Lama Mipham and I enter the temple, than a huge, lion-headed, dark green Dakini with a head-choppingsword gave an ear-shattering shriek. Lama Mipham splashed holy water on her, and she vanished.

"Then a giantess, at least 12 feet tall, a red skinned Dakini, hurled an arm-binding noose over us, but as she drewus forward I stabbed her with the 'purba,' and she vanished.

"Next, a hugely obese dakini, blue-black with flames coming out of every pore hurled a shoulder-piercing trident at LamaMipham, but he ducked, and countered by chanting the weapon mantra, 'PHAT!' and she vanished."

"Insulted, I should guess," chuckled Sir Bernard.

"Well, to make a long story shorter," concluded Sir Ferdinand, "There were dozens of dakinis, but Lama Mipham andI vanquished every one of them, although one of diminutivesize (no bigger than my thumb) and saffron hue managed to avoid my attention and wounded me in an embarrassing part of my anatomy." Sir Harold gasped. "You mean..."

Feghoot nodded. . . .

"She was an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny,yellow, poke-a-butt Dakini."

 

[DaveC426913]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him

That's right. He's a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

[DaveC426913]

Have you heard about the man who got the job driving the bus for Sesame Street?

He was really looking forward to meeting all the Sesame St. characters, and so he was filled with great anticipation his first day on the job. As he stood outside the bus waiting for his riders to begin to arrive, the first person he saw approaching the bus was an *extremely* large woman. Before she boarded the bus, he asked her her name. Huffing and puffing from the exertion of walking, she replied, "My name is Patty." "Well, Patty, climb on board. We'll be leaving shortly." The next passenger, a man just as big as the woman, was wearing a large green suit. When asked his name by the new driver, he replied with a noticeable accent, "My name is Patrick...I'm Irish, you know. My friends all call me 'Patty'." "Patty, meet Patty. You two can get to know each other while I await several more passengers that I see coming."

As the new driver stood there, he found himself thinking, "Where are Bert and Ernie?" The next passenger was a little retarded boy. "Hi, little boy. What's your name?" "My name is Ross, and my parents tell me I'm special." "Ross, I'm really glad to have a nice boy like you ride on my bus today. Climb on, and we'll leave in just a minute." The last person to approach the bus was a really strange looking man. "Hello, sir. What's your name?" In a surly manner he answered, "My name is Lester T!" "Well, Lester, we're about to leave so please have a seat."

The driver was despondent, "I thought I was going to meet Big Bird and Cookie Monster!" As he was pulling away from the curb, he looked in his rear view mirror. Much to his horror, he saw Lester sitting there with his shoe off, picking at a bump on his big toe.

When the bus driver finished his route, he was asked how his day was by one of his co-workers.

“It reminded me of McDonalds” said the bus driver. Two obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester T picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus.

 

[HeLiXe]

The joke is now 20 years 29 hours old.

And it's still younger than you

 

[dkotschessaa]

“It reminded me of McDonalds” said the bus driver. Two obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester T picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus.

wow. Just wow.

 

[micromass]

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician were asked to hammer a nail into a wall.
The engineer went to build a Universal Automatic Nailer -- a device able to hammer every possible nail into every possible wall.
The physicist conducted series of experiments on strength of hammers, nails, and walls and developed a revolutionary technology of ultra-sonic nail hammering at super-low temperature.
The mathematician generalized the problem to a N dimensional problem of penetration of a knotted one dimensional nail into a N-1 dimensional hyper-wall. Several fundamental theorems are proved. Of course, the problem is too rich to suggest a possibility of a simple solution, even the existence of a solution is far from obvious.

 

[micromass]

There's a mathematician whose non-mathematician friends are constantly ribbing him because his field is just so abstract and seems to have no relevance to the real world. One day, it gets to him, and he resolves to arm himself with some practical applications of research mathematics for the next encounter. He realizes that his own specialty (mathematical logic) is probably too far beyond them to be of any use there, so he goes to the department bulletin board to find an upcoming talk about something practical. Luckily, a talk is scheduled that afternoon on "the theory of gears." "Perfect!" he says. Nothing could be more practical, more down-to-earth. Finally, he'll be able to prove to his friends that mathematics is relevant to the real world. That afternoon, he's so excited that he goes to the talk five minutes early and sits in the first row of seats. Then, at the scheduled time, the speaker stands up and begins: "While the theory of gears with real numbers of teeth is well understood..."

 

[I like Serena]

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician were asked to hammer a nail into a wall.

LOL
Knowing you, I expected a punch line where the mathematician would come out best!

 

[micromass]

LOL
Knowing you, I expected a punch line where the mathematician would come out best!

Hey, I love to make fun of mathematicians

 

[micromass]

Fine, here is one where the math guy "wins"

One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least amount of fence.
The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design.
The physicist made a long, straight line and proclaimed "We can assume the length is infinite..." and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was certainly a more efficient way to do it.
The Mathematician just laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said "I declare myself to be on the outside."

 

[I like Serena]

What happened to a "point" fence?

 

[micromass]

What happened to a "point" fence?

Or the imaginary fence

 

[I like Serena]

What happened to a "point" fence?

Or the imaginary fence

Ah, I just thought it typical that the mathematician would "waste" some fence just to be able to exclude himself from the rest of the world!

And perhaps we should include a philosopher saying like: "Imagine we had a fence...".

Edit: Actually, the straight line from the physicist is off (I love physics!). That's more something a philosopher would say. ;)

 

[OmCheeto]

I once made the mistake of jokingly asking my Christian friend if they still believed in creationism.

He said; "Yes. Except in your case."

 

[dkotschessaa]

Saw this on a T-shirt today. I'm finding math jokes funny at the moment...

I know. Lame!

 

[IMP]

You don't need a parachute to skydive, you only need a parachute to skydive twice.

 

[IMP]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me, though... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day this 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister!

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door...

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

But, lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me, and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

 

[DaveC426913]

A traveling salesman had his car break down on a country road at night in a rainstorm. He trudged a few miles until he came upon a farm. He knocked on the door of the farmhouse and an old man answered. He asked if he could stay the night.

The farmer said: "Well, my beautiful sex-hungry young wife died last year, and I have a voluptuous teenaged daughter but she has cold sores and terrible body odor so she sleeps in the barn. So, actually, there's plenty of room for you to come in and sleep."

The salesman turned around and started back out into the rain.

The farmer called after him "Where you going? Didn't I tell you I have plenty of room?"

The salesman called back over his shoulder "Thanks, but I think I'm in the wrong joke."

 

[Borek]

Protons have mass? I didn't even know that they were Catholic.

 

[dkotschessaa]

Q: How does a mathematician induce good behavior in her children?
A: "If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."

 

[Isaacsname]

A priest was running from a Lion at full speed, then he stopped, got to his knees and started praying,

" Our father who art in heaven, please convert this lion into a Christian so he won't eat me. "

when the Lion saw this, he stopped and started praying, " Our father who art in heaven, bless this food which I am about to receive. "

 

[Isaacsname]

At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster
purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete pr*ck!"

 

[Nikitin]

i was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and i had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me, though... It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and i always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day this 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when i arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before i got married and committed my life to her sister!

Well, i was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "i'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

i was stunned and frozen in shock as i watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door...

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

But, lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me, and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

and the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

ahahaha I love this, hilarious!

 

[IMP]

The difference between women and men, explained:


Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting strange. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset by the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong;

He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.

He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.

But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.


Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

 

[drizzle]

 

[IMP]

A repeat but worth it:

A Letter to the Men's Help Line:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night I hid in the shed behind the boat. About midnight she came home and got out of someone's car while buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?