Collection of Lame Jokes

[sbrothy]

Contrary to common belief a pencil doesn't contain lead but graphite; eating one is still a stupid idea though. They probably taste like crud and you might end up with charchoal stuffed down your throat anyway. Just to be sure:


P

 

[sbrothy]

View attachment 353906

Or indeed whin. :)

 

[Jonathan Scott]

Contrary to common belief a pencil doesn't contain lead but graphite; eating one is still a stupid idea though.

Not a joke, but until around the 1970s it used to be very common that the paint coating on pencils was lead-based, and one could get some degree of lead poisoning from chewing enough of them.

 

[sbrothy]

Yeah. It was a bit of nostalgia from when schoolbooks contained useless info like that some contraption like, for instance, a pencil or a pair of pants, contained enough different stuff that you could replace a biscupid, two nails and about a of cm² lung tissue (and yes I grabbed all that out of thin air),

 

[jtbell]

Where's the best place to start a landscaping business?

Lawn Guy Land.

 

[phinds]

 

[Filip Larsen]

The floor tiles are oriented that way to make it easier for the archbishop to move around.

Tiled floors are are not always an advantage, even if you are a bishop.

 

[davenn]

 

[Swamp Thing]

My uncle, at 80 years of age, still has amazing insights into people's personality. He's Jung at heart.

And Jung means "young" in German, icydk.

 

[Swamp Thing]

View attachment 353909

You just have to spill the bird's seed on the ground.

 

[jtbell]

Tiled floors are are not always an advantage, even if you are a bishop.
View attachment 353996

Wouldn't that be more likely in Canterbury Cathedral than the Vatican?

 

[jack action]

 

[nuuskur]

 

[WWGD]

At the coffee shop:
" Is your orange juice fresh?"
" Yes, sir, we just opened the carton".

 

[gmax137]

I asked the waiter once, "is the haddock fresh?" She said, "oh yes! We just thawed it out today."

 

[DaveC426913]

Husband and wife enter a diner and order hamburgers and fries.
They are delivered by Maude - a large 70-year old with an ample bosom, cigarette-breath and a mole on her nose.
Wife discovers the patties are stone cold.
"Murray These patties are stone cold! What are you going to do about it?"
So Murray calls the waitress over.
"Waitress! These hamburger patties are stone cold! What are you going to do about it?"
Maude frowns, sticks a finger in the burger patties, then picks them both up, lifts up her blouse and slips the patties under her armpits. She hums for a few moments while husband and wife look on in horror. Finally, she takes them out, says "Should be warm enough now", slaps them back on the buns, and walks away.
Wife says "Murray! Did you see what she did?? That's outrageous! What are you going do about it??"

and Murray says "Well I'm sure not going to order the hot dog."

 

[Ibix]

I asked the waiter once, "is the haddock fresh?" She said, "oh yes! We just thawed it out today."

Waiter, waiter! This coffee tastes like dirt!

Yes sir, it was ground this morning.

 

[mjc123]

" Is your orange juice fresh?"
" Yes, sir, we just opened the carton".

Literally a line from Fawlty Towers. (But probably not the first or last time it's been said.)

 

[WWGD]

Literally a line from Fawlty Towers. (But probably not the first or last time it's been said.)

It actually happened when I went out to a coffee shop/cafe. I remembered it for some reason.

 

[mjc123]

I'm sure you would. It seems that "fresh" is one of those words that undergoes semantic slippage, drifting ever further from its original meaning. Like "live":
- Being present and witnessing an event as it happens.
- Watching it on TV in real time.
- Watching (years later) a recording made at the time.
Etc.

 

[jack action]

 

[DennisN]

 

[berkeman]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 354073

That one took a moment.

 

[berkeman]

Yeah, for me as well.

 

[Borg]

He does seem pretty down in one subject.

 

[phinds]

He does seem pretty down in one subject.

Yeah

Spoiler

Santa said he'd go down in history

 

[Ibix]

Overhead a conversation on the train. A guy used his step counter app to record the distance he walked in a week and divided by the volume of beer he'd drunk in the same period to get a miles-per-gallon figure for himself. Apparently it was nothing to write home about (which I could have guessed...).

 

[WWGD]

Since he's ignorant of history, he's doomed to repeat it.

 

[DennisN]

Remember folks, it's never too late!

 

[WWGD]

I asked the waiter once, "is the haddock fresh?" She said, "oh yes! We just thawed it out today."

Some, living in landlocked states, will absurdly ask this question about seabound fish. In, e.g., Topeka: Is this fish fresh? Yes, I just sprinted 1500 miles to the Atlantic( pacific) and back the last 15 minutes.

Though the question may make sense in the UK, where no one lives more than, maybe 30 minutes from the coast.

 

[jack action]

Remember folks, it's never too late!

View attachment 354075

Actually, it is.

 

[mjc123]

Though the question may make sense in the UK, where no one lives more than, maybe 30 minutes from the coast.

Make that 30 hours on a Bank Holiday.

 

[WWGD]

 

[Borg]

I've heard that somewhere before.