Collection of Lame Jokes

[dkotschessaa]

http://f.kulfoto.com/pic/0001/0039/YIBdm38335.jpg

 

[jtbell]

How cold was it today? It was so cold that...

Hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!

Roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring.

The squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence!

 

[Ibix]

Cold enough that there was a brass monkey knocking on my door looking for an arc welder?

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Been there, done that.
https://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?p=3630348#post3630348

 

[Ivan Seeking]

How cold was it today? It was so cold that...

Hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!

Roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring.

The squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence!

It was so cold that a gaggle of ducks were frozen in place while paddling around a pond. And then they flew off with the pond!

Penguins were buying jackets

Cows were producing ice cream

"The Iceman Goeth" was released

Seven universities announced the discovery of room-temperature superconductors.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

This weather reminds me of my days of ice fishing. A lot of fun once you get set up but eventually I gave it up. Cutting the hole in the ice for the boat is just too much work.

 

[Whovian]

Seven universities announced the discovery of room-temperature superconductors.

 

[jtbell]

Seven universities announced the discovery of room-temperature superconductors.

Which tells you something about not only the weather, but also the state of university operating budgets.

 

[jtbell]

This one is from a music forum:

Two bassoonists walk into a bar. One says "Did you hear about the Brazilian soldiers killed today?"

The other says "Jeez...that's TERRIBLE! Um...how many's in a brazillion?"

(actually, the bassoonists really should be violists, but the folks there were temporarily tired of viola jokes.)

 

[HeLiXe]

omg lolllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll jtbell that was the freakin best! *wipes off monitor*

 

[jtbell]

Today I drove past a sign advertising a new sandwich shop called "Which Wich". (Apparently its sandwiches are highly customizable.)

I wonder if their waitresses dress up on Halloween and call themselves "Which Wich witches?"

 

[lisab]

What do you call a deer that does not have eyes?

Spoiler

No-eye deer

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

What do you call a fish without any eyes?

Spoiler

fsh

Works better when spoken than when written.

 

[Ibix]

What do you call a deer that does not have eyes?

Spoiler

No-eye deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Spoiler

Still no eye deer.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Spoiler

Still no eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no legs and no head?

Spoiler

Ready for the BBQ

 

[Drakkith]

What do you call a fish without any eyes?

Spoiler

fsh

Works better when spoken than when written.

This joke is so lame I nearly went lame myself.

 

[dkotschessaa]

Punography

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst!

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

 

[jtbell]

What do you call a fish without any eyes?

Spoiler

fsh

My first thought was, "Is this some kind of Linux über-Geek joke? csh, ksh, zsh, psh, ..."

 

[jtbell]

When chemists die, they barium.

And while they're digging his grave, they chant, "Boron! Boron!"

 

[QuarkCharmer]

Punography

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst!

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

I love these kinds of jokes!

 

[Ibix]

Today I drove past a sign advertising a new sandwich shop called "Which Wich". (Apparently its sandwiches are highly customizable.)

I wonder if their waitresses dress up on Halloween and call themselves "Which Wich witches?"

That's been tickling my memory since I read it, and I finally tracked it down: Northern Exposure. Ed is talking to Dr. Joel Fleischman about his uncle:

ED: He is a doctor.
JOEL: Oh really? Which kind?
ED: Witch.
JOEL: Which which?
ED: Which what?
JOEL: Which doctor?
ED: Right.

 

[jtbell]

Now you've reminded me of a Get Smart episode featuring the detective Harry Hoo (a Charlie Chan parody). Max and the Chief see him, and the ensuing conversation goes something like:

Who he?
He Hoo.
Who?
[...]

I can't find it on the net anywhere yet, so I'll have to trawl through my DVD set to find the exact quote.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Someone drilled a hole into the nudist colony fence. Police are looking into it.

 

[jtbell]

What do you get when a piano falls down a mine shaft?

A flat minor.

 

[HeLiXe]

hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 

[HeLiXe]

What do you call a fish without any eyes?

Spoiler

fsh

Works better when spoken than when written.

 

[Ibix]

Now you've reminded me of a Get Smart episode featuring the detective Harry Hoo (a Charlie Chan parody). Max and the Chief see him, and the ensuing conversation goes something like:

Who he?
He Hoo.
Who?
[...]

I can't find it on the net anywhere yet, so I'll have to trawl through my DVD set to find the exact quote.

There's a similar one from when Hu Jintao became leader of the Chinese Communist Party:

Condoleeza Rice: Sir! Hu is the new leader of China.
G.W. Bush: I dunno, Condie. You tell me.
Rice: I just did, sir.
GWB: You said, "who is the new leader of China?"
Rice: Yes, sir.
GWB: Yasser? Isn't he that Palestinian guy? This is stupid. Get me the head of the UN.
Rice: Kofi Annan, sir?
GWB: Good idea, Condie. Coffee an' a donut. And get me that guy from the UN!

 

[jtbell]

A guy walks up to an athlete practicing for a track & field meet, and asks:

Q: Are you a pole vaulter?
A: No, I'm German... but how did you know my name?

 

[dkotschessaa]

Not a joke per se, and not even lame, but I just find this so funny I had to share. It's from an English Sitcom "Vicar of Dibley."


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MsbvGmLaU4





Transcript if you don't feel like watching a video, or need "British English to American English Subtitles."

A.
You know that stuff that they're selling now at the local shop?
B.
Which stuff?
A.
"I can't believe it's not butter!"
B.
Hmm. Oh, yes.
A.
Well, you know, I can't believe it's not butter.
B.
Well, yes, I believe that IS the idea.
A.
Then yesterday I went to the grocery, and I bought this other stuff, like a home brand.
B.
Yessssss.
A.
And, you know, I can't believe it's not "I can't believe it's not butter!"
B.
Hmmm. I'm losing you now.
A.
Well... you know "I can't believe it's not butter!"
B.
Yes, yes. You think it IS butter.
A.
No... no. I mean, you know the stuff that I can't believe is not butter is called "I can't believe it's not butter!"
B.
Probably, yes... Yes!
A.
Well, I can't believe that stuff that is NOT "I can't believe it's not butter!" is not "I can't believe it's not butter!" And I can't believe that both the stuff that IS "I can't believe it's not butter!" AND the stuff that is NOT "I can't believe it's not butter" are both in fact not butter. And... I believe they may in fact both BE butter... in a cunning disguise. And in fact there's a lot more butter around that we all thought there was.
B.
Yes... I see.

 

[trollcast]

You know the economy is bad when even God is making redundancies.

 

[dkotschessaa]

A friend of mine reported some big news on Facebook:

I thought I would share this on fb before I reveal it to the rest of the scientific community: I invented a *working* time machine. It looks similar to a cardboard box, with some added circuitry. (I'll include complete specifications and schematics when I publish.) Bottom line: it works and it appears to be safe, at least for short "hops."
Two limitations I have yet to overcome: #1 - it will only propel me into the future, and #2 - it works in real time... so it takes me two days to move forward in time by two days. That, and I always need to pee when I arrive.

 

[Alfi]

lol - I'm already one up one you. No circuitry needed.

I have this comfortable horizontal device I use to transport me ~8 hrs into the future.

I call it a B.E.D.. Beneficial Extended Time

Unfortunately, I still have the same problems as your device...
( #1 ) and (#2 ) ... every morning! This seems to be the limitation on our devices.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Did you hear about the kinky paranormal researcher?

Spoiler

He had a big foot fetish

 

[HeLiXe]

ROFLlololll

 

[Ibix]

Why did the neutrino cross the road?

Because it didn't interact with anything on the way.