Collection of Lame Jokes

[fresh_42]

It's a lost cause -- geodesics can't accelerate.

Yeah, they always take the shortest route for lazybones.

 

[DrGreg]

Yeah, they always take the shortest route for lazybones.

Well. I've always been impressed by geodesics. They always go flat out, get straight to the point and never wobble.

 

[fresh_42]

They always go flat out, get straight to the point and never wobble.

The actual miracle is: How do they know?

 

[Ibix]

The actual miracle is: How do they know?

It's straightforward.

 

[WWGD]

Wow, you're a scientist? That's complicated. Can you explain what you do to your mom?
I don't do ANYTHING to my mom!

 

[fresh_42]

Wow, you're a scientist?

I think the correct line is: "You're a rocket scientist?"

 

[DrClaude]

I think the correct line is: "You're a rocket scientist?"

 

[Steelwolf]

After the first 'Romantic' date Georgia decided to drop the Rocket Scientist even if he was a 'nice guy' as it seems that in bed he needed 'boosters' to help his first stage, and there Were no second or third stages, let alone a 'payload'. She went back to the banker who at least made multiple healthy deposits.

 

[Steelwolf]

When I was a kid I asked my dad once why we have different colored eyes? Dad explained that 'for a lot of people it was what was in them, like us boys, you know how your mom says I am 'full of crap', right, well, that is why our eyes are brown'. I thought about that for a moment and it made some sense, but still questions remained and so I asked 'But what about mom and Sis, their eyes are Blue?' Dad promptly told me that 'they were each a quart low.'

 

[jtbell]

What do people in Portland like to sprinkle on their pizza?

Oregon-o.

 

[DrGreg]

I think the correct line is: "You're a rocket scientist?"

I don't understand why salad experts should have such a high reputation.

Spoiler: Don't get it?

Rocket = Eruca sativa = arugula

 

[fresh_42]

I don't understand why salad experts should have such a high reputation.

They don't. That didn't impress her much.

 

[Steelwolf]

A bit of foreword on this one, The Polish peoples are very much against any sort of 'ethnic joke', not just for all the Polock jokes, but because of all the wars that have been fought Through Poland. Well, one night in a tavern there was a group of Polish teachers that had come into teach at the local University, and they were laughing and having a good time, and me, knowing the Polish mindset on ethnic jokes in general and Polish jokes in particular since I am 1/3 Polish myself...I went over to their table and introduced myself, and gave them the proposition of that I would tell a Polish Joke, and if they did not like it, then I would buy their drinks for the rest of the night, if they liked the joke, they would buy for me. They agreed, and so I began:

Once, not all that long ago, there was a Polish Farmer out tilling his field and he came across this old Persian style Lamp. He goes to brush the dirt off the lamp and a Genie appears, and is profoundly thankful to the Polish Farmer, and so tells him that he may wish for anything his heart may desire. Well, the Farmer starts to think, and he thinks, and he thinks for some time more, and finally he says: "I Wish that the entire Mongol Horde to come and camp on the Polish Border overnight, and in the morning to go home."

The Genie, with an astonished look on his face, says "Your Wish is My Command Oh Great One", and the sound of horses hooves filled the air, clouds of dust on the horizon and then that night they could see fires strung all along the Polish Border. Then, in the morning they all left, and went home.

The Genie goes back to the Polish Farmer and states, "I have fulfilled your wish Oh Great One, what now is your Second Wish?" The Polish Farmer sits and thinks, and thinks, and thinks a while more, finally, just before the Genie is about to prod the Farmer, the Polish Farmer speaks up and says: "I Wish that the Entire Mongol Horde to Come and Camp on the Polish Border Overnight, and in the Morning to go Home."

The Genie is again astonished, yet again states "Your Wish Is My Command" and the ground quivers with the sound of horses hooves, the dust billows high into the air and the scream of women and shouts of men can be heard, fires dot the entire Polish border overnight, and again, in the morning, they all go home.

The Genie goes back to the Farmer and tells him that he has completed his second wish, and to Please think carefully about the third wish, you could have riches, wealth beyond any desire, anything you could possibly want. "But, pray Sire, what is your Third Wish?" The Polish Farmer again, hardly stopping to think at all, declares "I Wish that the Entire Mongol Horde Comes and Camps on the Polish Border overnight, and in the Morning to go Home."

The Genie is perplexed, but he has been ordered! So, He again states that "Your Wish is My Command" and the ground shook and trembled under the horses hooves, the dust clouds covered the land, there was wild shrieking, screaming and partying well into the night and much of the morning, with all of the fires forming a single chain that went all around the Polish Border, and then, later, once things had gotten reorganized and back underway, a might later, being the third day, they again all went home.

The Genie, being vastly perplexed, and not at all understanding, went back to the Farmer, and asked him, "You could have had riches, never had to farm again, could have had anything in the world, why did you wish for That, and for 3 times in a row even? I just do not understand it."

The Polish Farmer tells him, "Well, I had you bring the Entire Mongol Horde here, around the Polish Border, and then go home the next day, right?" The Genie nodded, "Well," said the Farmer, "since I had you do this 3 days in a row. Those Mongols Went and Crossed Russia Six Times!"Footnote: I drank my IPAs for the rest of that night on that group of teaching Poles, and a great time was had by all!

 

[WWGD]

At Starbucks:
Do you know the bathroom codes?
No, I've never seen it coding.

 

[mfb]

After the first 'Romantic' date Georgia decided to drop the Rocket Scientist even if he was a 'nice guy' as it seems that in bed he needed 'boosters' to help his first stage, and there Were no second or third stages, let alone a 'payload'. She went back to the banker who at least made multiple healthy deposits.

The rocket scientist was expendable?

 

[nuuskur]

I think the correct line is: "You're a rocket scientist?"

don't you mean a rocket surgeon?

 

[WWGD]

don't you mean a rocket surgeon?

A brain rocket?

 

[Bandersnatch]

A bit of foreword on this one, The Polish peoples are very much against any sort of 'ethnic joke'

Not those living in Poland, they aren't.

 

[jtbell]

At Starbucks:
Do you know the bathroom codes?
No, I've never seen it coding.

However, I've seen buffers being flushed.

 

[WWGD]

Roach control place sent me the 100th email " What are you doing to get rid of pests?" .
Unsubscribing from you.

 

[fresh_42]

The colors are especially calming, they said. Newest scientific study, they said.
Since 30 minutes on the baby phone:

"onge - reen - lue - onge - reen - lue - onge - reen - lue - onge - reen - lue - onge - reen - lue - onge - reen - lue - onge - reen - lue - onge - reen - lue - onge - reen - lue - onge - reen - lue - onge - reen - lue - ..."

 

[fresh_42]

"What do you wish to order?"
"A mulled wine to go!"
"You're at Starbucks, here!"
"O.k. if it has to be, then a hot cinnamon-orange-flavored-red-wine in grande. And my name is Paul!"

 

[Craftek_Ana]

I take no credit for these, cash only :D or should I say laughs only.

YOU MATTER. Until you multiply yourself times the speed of light squared. Then you Energy.

Everything happens for a reason. And that reason is entropy.

Never trust an Atom. They make-up everything!

 

[WWGD]

US citizen in In Canada speaking with Canadian:
What is this a boot (about)?
A boot? No, it's a shoe.
A shoe?
Gesundheit.

 

[Craftek_Ana]

US citizen in In Canada speaking with Canadian:
What is this a boot (about)?
A boot? No, it's a shoe.
A shoe?
Gesundheit.

Hehehaha

 

[jtbell]

On the road and got to go and can't find a public toilet? There's an app for that, too!

AirPnP rent-out-your-toilet app launched for Mardi Gras (BBC News)

 

[mfb]

D&D joke:

Why does America spend so much on defense?

Spoiler

Because they only have 1 constitution

 

[Steelwolf]

@mfb, I would have thought that it was because we have already spent enough on being offensive and needed the balance.

 

[fresh_42]

D&D joke:

Why does America spend so much on defense?

Spoiler

Because they only have 1 constitution

I'm afraid they have none:

The first Constitution was brought to Las Vegas, where it served as an enormous billboard for Alamo Airways, before being scrapped by Howard Hughes when he acquired the property. The second Constitution was flown to Opa-Locka Airport, Florida, where it was damaged by an internal fire. It was stored on the airfield until the mid-1970s, then was towed to an empty lot several miles from the airport. There were plans to convert it to a restaurant and museum theme park. The project never materialized and the airplane was destroyed due to lack of funding and pressure from the city to have it removed.

 

[WWGD]

D&D joke:

Why does America spend so much on defense?

Spoiler

Because they only have 1 constitution

On defense, or on "De Fense(Fence)"? I think it will take a while for de fense to go through.

 

[Steelwolf]

@WWGD Is that because Trump got all caught up on demanding they shop at Wall Mart, when De Fence Spending was already in place?

 

[davenn]

the pot of gold

 

[Steelwolf]

@davenn That IS one Stout Truck!

 

[davenn]

welllll maybe haha

 

[Steelwolf]

@davenn , the problem with using Spring water, as I have heard, is that the source may be Artesian. Well and good if it is not, but some folks have developed certain symptoms such as an increased desire to work with clay or to take chisel to stone, some have even gone the way of picking up paints and applying them to a variety of surfaces. Such symptoms can certainly take their tole. But by and large the culprit comes down to that Artesian Well water! So I would be very very careful just what kind of spring the water comes from, and for Sure do not take water from a Leaf Spring!