Collection of Lame Jokes

[Noisy Rhysling]

What are little girls made of?
What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice
And everything nice
That's what little girls are made of.

What are little boys made of?
What are little boys made of?

Two hemispheres of uranium in a gun-type housing.

 

[Bandersnatch]

Two hemispheres of uranium in a gun-type housing.

It's been a while, but I'm pretty sure these were ring stacks.

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

It's been a while, but I'm pretty sure these were ring stacks.

I signed out of Alamogordo for the last time years ago.

 

[david2]

 

[davenn]

haha

 

[Mark44]

I once applied for a job in the circus -- to be shot out of a cannon.
In my interview for this position, the circus manager said, "I'm sorry, we're looking for someone of a higher caliber."

 

[Ibix]

Imagine if you got the job. You'd have been fired on your first day.

 

[mfb]

And if you don't get fired, they still get fired.

 

[pixel]

Did you hear about the new book on anti-gravity?

I couldn't put it down.

 

[BillTre]

XKCD celebrates the 4th:

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

XKCD celebrates the 4th:

View attachment 206539

2022: Drones are gone. But they'll be back!

 

[mfb]

We should be quite safe from Terminators now. When was the last time you saw a printed phone book?

 

[Stavros Kiri]

We should be quite safe from Terminators now. When was the last time you saw a printed phone book?

Yesterday, but the T-5 model uses google now ...

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

We should be quite safe from Terminators now. When was the last time you saw a printed phone book?

I get three thrown on my front porch every spring.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

I once applied for a job in the circus -- to be shot out of a cannon.
In my interview for this position, the circus manager said, "I'm sorry, we're looking for someone of a higher caliber."

What if you were of a too high caliber?

 

[davenn]

 

[Noisy Rhysling]

View attachment 206581

Noisy's Rules of Marriage.

1. If, during a domestic dispute, it is found that the husband is wrong, he should immediately apologize.

2. If, during a domestic dispute, it is found that the husband is right, he should immediately apologize.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

What if you were of a too high caliber?

(I'll just answer it myself)

In other words, the too good don't get hired, ... because they cannot be fired!

 

[Mark44]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra ...

 

[Mark44]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh

 

[Mark44]

What's the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

 

[Mark44]

A toothless beaver walks into a pub, and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

 

[Ibix]

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

 

[Mark44]

What's red and smells like blue paint?

Spoiler

red paint

 

[Mark44]

Did you hear about the two tanker ships that collided? One was loaded with red paint and the other was carrying purple paint.

All of the sailors were marooned.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

Blind deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

Blind cripple deer ...

P.S. No equivalence though

 

[WWGD]

A: I saw the other day a dog without a nose.

B: How does he smell?

A: Awful.

 

[WWGD]

A prostitute, P working in a small town, approaching a client, C:

P: Hey, big boy, ready for a good time ?
C: No thanks.
P: Ok, say hi to your mom for me!

 

[Mark44]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

Blind deer

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

Blind cripple deer ...

Apparently you didn't get Ibix's jokes. The answers "no idea" and "still no idea" are the punchlines.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Apparently you didn't get Ibix's jokes. The answers "no idea" and "still no idea" are the punchlines.

Or you didn't get mine! Just being cynic ...
[In other words I got Ibix's joke but I am "showing plain old trurh sarcasm ...".
Do you get it now? RSVP]

 

[WWGD]

A no-joke joke ( has the setup, a punchline, looks and sounds like a joke, but is no joke*):

1) Your momma's so fat, when she walks around the house...she really WALKS around the house.

2) The town I was born in was so small -- even the Ferris wheel was green.

* Tell it to people and many are embarrassed to admit they don't get it and will laugh with an uncomfortable chuckle.

 

[Mark44]

You didn't get mine either! Just being cynic ...

What you wrote wouldn't qualify as a joke. Even in lame jokes, there has to be some logical coherence, based often on double meanings of words.
"deer with no eyes" -- "no idea" $\equiv$ "no eye deer"
"deer with no eyes and no legs" -- "still no idea" $\equiv$ "still no eye deer", with still meaning inert as a second meaning.
Responses of "blind deer" "blind cripple deer" don't have these same plays on words.

Don't give up your day job...

 

[Stavros Kiri]

What you wrote wouldn't qualify as a joke. Even in lame jokes, there has to be some logical coherence, based often on double meanings of words.
"deer with no eyes" -- "no idea" $\equiv$ "no eye deer"
"deer with no eyes and no legs" -- "still no idea" $\equiv$ "still no eye deer", with still meaning inert as a second meaning.
Responses of "blind deer" "blind cripple deer" don't have these same plays on words.

Don't give up your day job...

Please look at my edited above:

Or you didn't get mine! Just being cynic ...
[In other words I got Ibix's joke but I am "showing plain old trurh sarcasm ...".
Do you get it now? RSVP]

We are talking about a different type of joke than what you describe. Whether you get it or not it's a different story. Can't analyse everything!

Don't give up your day job...

Gee thanks! ...

 

[Mark44]

We are talking about a different type of joke than what you describe.

Obviously. The type of jokes I'm describing are the ones in the funny category.
"Plain old truth sarcasm" isn't in that category.

 

[davenn]

OK guys
let's move on