Collection of Lame Jokes

[Borg]

A Catholic teacher gave her children the following assignment. When you go to heaven, what part of your body goes first?

The next day, she asks if the students had their answers. After several children answered, little Johnie raised his hand excitedly. "OK, Johnie, what part of your body goes to heaven first?", she asked.

Your feet!

Your feet? Why would your feet go to heaven first?

Well, last night I was thinking really hard about the question when I saw my sister with her feet sticking straight up in the air saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!". And, if her boyfriend hadn't been holding her down, she would have gone too!

 

[ghostilla]

A lion would never cheat on his wife; A Tiger Wood.

 

[Hurkyl]

The English have historically been good at overt warfare -- they had proud armies of redcoats and their use of longbowmen in the middle ages was unparalleled!

But why were they so adverse to covert warfare in those days? It's less-well known, but they did an experiment with covert warfare in the middle ages that led to disaster after they reversed the direction of their arrows.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

The English have historically been good at overt warfare -- they had proud armies of redcoats and their use of longbowmen in the middle ages was unparalleled!

But why were they so adverse to covert warfare in those days? It's less-well known, but they did an experiment with covert warfare in the middle ages that led to disaster after they reversed the direction of their arrows.

Temporal paradoxes aside, this is not to be confused with the origins of the sparsely-populated sport of javelin catching.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that.'

 

[Dembadon]

What did the snowman say to the other snowman?



"Do you smell carrot?"


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What did the snail say as he rode on the back of a turtle?



Wheeee!

 

[Galteeth]

Q: How many Polish people does it take to elect the mayor of Warsaw?








A: Approximately 400,000, a plurality of the average number of voters in mayoral elections.

 

[jtbell]

What really happened to Julius Caesar on the ides of March:

After a mid-day break, he returned to the Roman Senate and was accosted by Brutus and some others. Brutus asked, "And how many pizzaburgers did you eat for lunch today, Julius?"

Julius responded, "Et two, Brute," then keeled over with a heart attack and died on the spot.

 

[Sorry!]

A Catholic teacher gave her children the following assignment. When you go to heaven, what part of your body goes first?

The next day, she asks if the students had their answers. After several children answered, little Johnie raised his hand excitedly. "OK, Johnie, what part of your body goes to heaven first?", she asked.

Your feet!

Your feet? Why would your feet go to heaven first?

Well, last night I was thinking really hard about the question when I saw my sister with her feet sticking straight up in the air saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!". And, if her boyfriend hadn't been holding her down, she would have gone too!

LOL Imagine the teachers expression after that one.

 

[Borg]

If you're ever about to be mugged by a couple of clowns, don't hesitate - go for the juggler.

 

[IMP]

Two weeks ago was my 34th birthday and I wasn`t feeling too good that morning.
I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.
As it turned out, she didn`t even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday.
I thought, well, that`s wives for you, the children will remember...The children came into breakfast and didn`t say a word.
So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss, Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it`s such a beautiful day outside, and it`s your birthday, let`s go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "That`s the greatest thing I`ve heard all day, let`s go!"
We went to lunch we didn`t go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it`s such a beautiful day, we don`t need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let`s go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don`t mind, I think I`ll go into the bedroom. "Sure!" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there ... on the couch ... naked.

 

[Mattara]

- I use to this that correlation implied causation, but then I took a course in statistics and now I don't.
- Ah, so the course was useful for you?
- Well, maybe.

(old xkcd joke)

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Two weeks ago was my 34th birthday and I wasn`t feeling too good that morning.
I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.
As it turned out, she didn`t even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday.
I thought, well, that`s wives for you, the children will remember...The children came into breakfast and didn`t say a word.
So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss, Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.
I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it`s such a beautiful day outside, and it`s your birthday, let`s go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "That`s the greatest thing I`ve heard all day, let`s go!"
We went to lunch we didn`t go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it`s such a beautiful day, we don`t need to go back to the office, do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let`s go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don`t mind, I think I`ll go into the bedroom. "Sure!" I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there ... on the couch ... naked.

When I was a kid, many years ago, a friend of my dad's was rushing home from work because he was about to pee his pants. As he rushed through the front door of his home with his business already hanging out - ready for desperately needed business - he heard, SURPRISE!

He didn't even realize it was his birthday.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

http://img196.imageshack.us/img196/7596/surgeryfail1.jpg

 

[Borg]

I have to admit to getting this one from http://www.cartalk.com/content/timekill/lamejokes/husb-wives.html" .

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi,and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died . . . I'm married to his bleepin' widow."

 

[RunSwimSurf]

http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ku9oxu2JAp1qa8wc3o1_500.jpg

 

[mattlarabee]

The jokes on this thread are so fantastically lame I had to create an account and make my contribution.

Q: What did one snowman say to the other?

A: I smell carrots!

Boom roasted.

 

[IMP]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman Boarding
the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate Would
have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or
pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever Seen sitting
next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your Business
role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned From my
personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are
the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possesses that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it
is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best Stamina is
the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't
even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

 

[IMP]

A woman sitting in a Bondi restaurant suddenly began to cough.After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,and two locals, Kenzie and Bruce sitting at the next table turned to look at her.

'Kin you swaller?' asked Kenzie.

The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.

'Kin you breathe?' asked Brian.

The woman shook her head 'No!'

With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down her bum.

This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.

Bruce said in admiration, 'Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Maneuver, but that's the first time I ever seen anybody do it'

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Maneuver, but that's the first time I ever seen anybody do it'

Jokes like that should be illegal.

 

[IMP]

There was a penguin on a cross America driving tour -- is was slow in the Antarctic, was on his annual vacation. When he was in Arizona, the penguin saw his oil light come on and decided that he'd best get it looked at. He stopped at a garage and they told him to come back in a half an hour so they could look at it. The penguin then walked up the street, and he spotted an ice cream store. To a penguin in the desert, nothing sounded better than ice cream. So he went in an order a big bowl of vanilla ice cream. Unfortunately, the penguin didn't have hands, he only had flippers, so he really made a mess of things but then he saw it was time to go back to the garage. The penguin waddled back up the street to the garage and the mechanic said "Well, it looks like you blew a seal."
"No," the penguin replied, "it's only ice cream."

 

[Borg]

OMG

 

[IMP]

What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?

A Baboom !

 

[Evo]

@ IMP

 

[sandbanana]

Not so much a joke as a fun explanation.

Why are fire trucks red?

There are eight men and four wheels.Eight and four make twelve.There are twelve inches in a ruler.Queen Elizabeth was a ruler.Queen Elizabeth was a ship.Ships sail the seas.The seas have fish.The fish have fins.The Fins fought the Russians and the Russians were red.

 

[BobG]

A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. The sand is dark red. He can't believe it. The sky is dark red. He walks around a bit and sees that there is dark red grass, dark red birds and dark red fruit on the dark red trees. He's shocked when he finds that his skin is starting to turn dark red too.

"Oh no!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!"

 

[BobG]

After opening the first restaurant on the moon, Bob was disappointed to receive only 2 stars in the newspaper's restaurant review section.

"Great food, no atmosphere."

 

[Ivan Seeking]

http://i.thefairest.info/funniest_thumbs/FrQOrO.jpeg
http://thefunniest.info/top.html

 

[jtbell]

What do you get when you're attacked by a vampire snowman?

Frostbite.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

http://1av10.nu/~hymn/misc/1140088007447.jpg
http://digg.com/odd_stuff/Don_t_worry_m_am_we_re_from_the_internet_PIC

 

[Dembadon]

Excellent find, Ivan.

I'm guessing they are LARPers. The gentleman squatting in the center, resting his chin on his fist, is my favorite.

 

[turbo]

Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.

 

[Goofguy]

Q:
Why do gorillas have big fingers?

A:
Because they have nostrils?

Q:
What do you get when you 20lbs of apples in one hand and 18lbs of ice cream in the other?

A:
REALLY BIG HANDS.

 

[Eynstone]

Heisenberg went for a drive and was pulled over by a traffic cop.
The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."

Q. Why did the squirrel swim on its back?
A. To keep its nuts dry.

"I know this defies the law of gravity, but I've never studied law !"
-Bugs Bunny.

 

[Goofguy]

There once was a lion who roamed the jungle. One day when he was prowiling for a meal, he stumbled on two humans who were sitting under a big tree. Since he was too lazy to kill and eat both of them, he had to make a decision.

He noticed how one human was reading a book and the other human was writing a book. After much contemplating he decided to eat the one who was reading a book. Because even a lion knows that reader's digest and writer's block.