Collection of Lame Jokes

[Mark44]

An old farmer goes to the theater one night. The ticket seller asks, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer replies, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes."

"I'm sorry, sir," says the ticket seller. "We don't allow animals in the theater.

The old farmer goes around the corner and stuffs the bird down his pants. He returns to the booth,
buys a ticket and enters the theater. He sits down next to two old widows, Mildred and Marge.

The movie starts and the rooster begins to squirm. The old farmer unzips his pants so Chucky can
stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispers Mildred.

"What?" Marge asks.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?", Marge asks.

"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out", whispers Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it, " says Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all."

"I thought so too," says Mildred, "but this one's eating my popcorn!"

 

[DrGreg]

An old farmer goes to the theater one night...

That wasn't the dyslexic farmer who thought that "farm" was spelled "EIEIO"?

 

[Mark44]

That wasn't the dyslexic farmer who thought that "farm" was spelled "EIEIO"?

No, it was the farmer who had a pet rooster that he liked to take to the movies. But he was a bit dyslexic, and thought that "EIEIO" was spelled "IEIEO."

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[jtbell]

What do you call the mobster who runs the organized-crime ring in a fishing port?

The Codfather.

 

[Ibix]

What do you call the mobster who runs the organized-crime ring in a fishing port?

The Codfather.

He's part of the MAFFia.

(Explanation for non-UK readers and young 'uns)

 

[dextercioby]

There's a restaurant just outside Bucharest, RO which sells the chef's specialty: FIBONACCI'S SOUP. Ingredients: yesterday's and the day before's soup.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

There's a restaurant just outside Bucharest, RO which sells the chef's specialty: FIBONACCI'S SOUP. Ingredients: yesterday's and the day before's soup.

It better be a "lemon" soup (preservative ...).

FIBONACCI'S SOUP. Ingredients: yesterday's and the day before's soup.

What is the cut-off integer for Emergency Hospital Attendance?
[Could have been Science Jokes ...]

 

[mfb]

What is the cut-off integer for Emergency Hospital Attendance?

1 deep cut is typically sufficient.

 

[davenn]

 

[Ibix]

What the...? Somebody wanted to build a stream-lined train and sloped the wrong aspect? The train was passing between two concrete walls, which simultaneously fell inwards? They ran out of money to build the roof, so just squashed the walls together? There was some kind of hideous imperial/metric mess up between the people who made the floor and the people who made the roof?

I googled it - it's a photoshop job apparently. Nicely done, though. https://mobile.twitter.com/MrTimDunn/status/771438531717763072/photo/1

 

[Stavros Kiri]

View attachment 220270

I googled it - it's a photoshop job apparently. Nicely done, though.

I like the driver! Typical Tobleronistanian! ...

 

[jtbell]

Statement from the Groundhog-in-Chief’s press secretary:

“Yes, he said six more weeks of winter. However, he didn’t say when.”

(Temperatures have been 20-25F above normal for the past couple of days. Today's high of 81F set a new record for this date!)

 

[Mark44]

A very elderly couple were having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leaned forward and said softly to his wife: “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.

Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”

The wife dropped her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed: “Yes. Yes he did.”

The old man was very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asked: “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”

Again, the old woman dropped her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she said: “You.”

 

[Mark44]

Some of the older members here might appreciate this.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. . . I would recommend it very highly."

"The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night ?"​

 

[Ibix]

What's a dog's favourite breakfast?

Woofles.

What's a dog's favourite tube stop?

Barking.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Again, the old woman dropped her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she said: “You.”

Did she mean that he was a "different person" back then (i.e. he changed) or she simply realized her mistake for telling the truth (based on the husband's reaction) and simply backed off ... fixing things ?

 

[Mark44]

Did she mean that he was a "different person" back then (i.e. he changed)

No.

or she simply realized her mistake for telling the truth (based on the husband's reaction) and simply backed off ... fixing things ?

No, not that either. One of the kids didn't look like the other nine. Take a closer look at the joke...

 

[Stavros Kiri]

One of the kids didn't look like the other nine. Take a closer look at the joke...

“Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”

Again, the old woman dropped her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she said: “You.”

"You." ... as in Chinese name?

 

[fresh_42]

"You." ... as in Chinese name?

No. Strike three.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

No. Strike three.

What else could it be?
Wait ... From a different mother and he forgot?

 

[strangerep]

What else could it be?
Wait ... From a different mother and he forgot?

No,...

"...different from ALL the other children..."

 

[Mark44]

What else could it be?
Wait ... From a different mother and he forgot?

No. Strike four...

 

[Mark44]

"My jokes aren't for the masses..."

 

[Stavros Kiri]

It was the last kid ... . How old was the mother then?

 

[strangerep]

[Since a trend seems to be developing in this thread for old guys to make fun of each other...]

Once upon a time there was an elderly couple, Albert and Jean. Poor old Albert had lost some of his hearing, and a few of his marbles. But his somewhat younger wife Jean could still communicate with Albert, and loved him dearly. Apart from his hearing and being a bit vague, Albert had been in reasonably good health. But this began to decline, and Albert was no longer feeling his usual self. So Jean took him to see the doctor...

The doctor did the basic examinations. Pulse, blood pressure, etc, and listened all over with his stethoscope. Then he sat down to talk with the couple.

"Well, Albert", said the doctor, "I can't find anything obviously wrong for a man of your age. So I'll have to run some more tests."

"Eh? Whaaat??", said Albert, who couldn't hear or understand properly.

"It's alright dear", said Jean, more loudly. "The doctor just needs to do some TESTS".

"Yes", said the doctor. "Now, Albert, I'd like you to come back tomorrow, and I need you to bring me: a urine sample, a faeces sample, and a semen sample. Do you think you can do that?"

"Eh? Whaaat??", said Albert, not comprehending.

"It's alright dear", said Jean, sweetly. "The doctor just needs me to bring him your pyjama pants."

 

[Mark44]

How old was the mother then?

Not relevant...

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Not relevant...

Well, with ten kids there is a high chance that the tenth was born after 35 years old (for the wife), so it could be a disabled kid.
But I know that's not it.

Now though I am pretty sure I got it! (that's why you get a 'like'!) [I slept on it ...]

Spoiler: Optional Spoiler

Only the tenth was his!

 

[mfb]

Now though I am pretty sure I got it! (that's why you get a 'like'!) [I slept on it ...]

Spoiler: Optional Spoiler

Only the tenth was his!

Correct.

 

[Ibix]

What do you get if you cross a road-roller and a duck-billed platypus?

A duck-billed flatypus.

()

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

... Or places you used to work at

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 220665

... Or places you used to work at

... or throw covertly condoms or pregnancy tests in a shopping cart of a couple.

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 220665

... Or places you used to work at

...or places you still work at.