Collection of Lame Jokes

[Borg]

I've been rooting around the last few threads looking for a decently lame joke. Unfortunately, I don't see much to root for and I'm not sure what's at the root of the problem.

 

[DrGreg]

These jokes about roots are getting ab-surd.

 

[jtbell]

Mr. Shakespeare was trying to decide whether to have potatoes for dinner:

"Tuber or not tuber, that is the question."

 

[Borg]

Did you hear about the glue that's used to hold train whistles in place?

Spoiler

It's called tootpaste.

 

[davenn]

 

[LiamSmith]

Lamest joke you know ... :zzz:

THere is so many bad jokes xD

 

[jtbell]

In San Antonio, Texas, how do people rally themselves for dessert after a huge meal of barbeque?

"Remember the à la mode!"

 

[Psinter]

If relationship counselors were lawyers:

The problem here isn't that your wife is lying to you. The problem is that YOU believe her. Why do you believe her? This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't believed her.

Plaintiff: Because I love her too much. *cries*
Lawyer: There it is, your honor. It is HIS fault. Not my clients'. No further questions.

 

[jtbell]

A guy gets wheeled into the operating room for his surgery.

"Uh, Doc... why is that guy at the anesthesia station wearing a rabbit suit?"

"Him? That's the ether bunny."

 

[Stavros Kiri]

(International Students' Applications mis-fill jokes)

Citizenship: "No"
Sex: "Yes"

 

[Sandro Romualdez]

What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

I'm eighty (Aye matey)

It works better when you say it out loud ahhaha

 

[Sandro Romualdez]

How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?

1 or 2? 1... or 2...?

 

[Charles Link]

http://www.dictionary.com/browse/physic
Also, if anyone saw the movie "The Man Who would be King" with Sean Connery, Michael Caine, and Christopher Plummer that came out around 1977, there is a line in there where Michael Caine ( P.T. Carnehan) gets aggravated with Sean Connery (Daniel Dravot) and tells him "I think you need a physic". :) $\\$ See also: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Man_Who_Would_Be_King_(film)

 

[Ibix]

How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?

1 or 2? 1... or 2...?

Drat - I had an eye test last week. Now I'm going to have to wait eighteen months to find out if they've heard that one a million times before...

 

[jtbell]

 

[Stavros Kiri]

View attachment 222793

He can take a photo with his phone and enhance it ... (that's what I did - ooups! too late! ... Aaaaaa...)

 

[Psinter]

Gothosynthesis.

Source: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Blackrose.jpg

 

[Psinter]

I'll make a community for those who program in assembly and compile with NASM. I'll name it... Communasm.

Ok. I'll show my way out.

 

[Ibix]

There were three sailors in a lifeboat. They had saved four cigarettes when their ship went down but all the matches were wet! Fortunately one of the sailors had a bright idea - he threw one of the cigarettes overboard, and then they were a cigarette lighter.

 

[256bits]

With not much to do in the lifeboat except look out at an endless ocean, each sailor really was a man over bored.

 

[fresh_42]

With not much to do in the lifeboat except look out at an endless ocean, each sailor really was a man over bored.

Not necessarily. It once happened to a pirate ship, but they got lucky, they had Blackboard with them.

 

[Psinter]

Cashier: Would you like to donate a dollar to the poor?
Me: ...I'm the poor.

*donates a dollar to self*

 

[Psinter]

When the doctor tells you you have an athletic body:

Tell me doctor. Do all patients fall in love with you?

 

[fresh_42]

Can your dog do tricks?
Of course, he is a Labracadabrador.

 

[Charles Link]

http://www.dictionary.com/browse/physic
Also, if anyone saw the movie "The Man Who would be King" with Sean Connery, Michael Caine, and Christopher Plummer that came out around 1977, there is a line in there where Michael Caine ( P.T. Carnehan) gets aggravated with Sean Connery (Daniel Dravot) and tells him "I think you need a physic". :) $\\$ See also: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Man_Who_Would_Be_King_(film)

Here's one I'm going to repeat from about 2-3 days ago. (See above). Perhaps @fresh_42 will find it humorous. :)

 

[fresh_42]

https://www.facebook.com/tickld

 

[BillTre]

Looks like a "R" to "C" mutation.

 

[Psinter]

Choose your side:

Or maybe not. Maybe AND.

 

[jtbell]

Here's one from third grade...

Where can you find the biggest pencil in the world?

Spoiler

Pennsylvania!

 

[Charles Link]

Here's one from third grade...

Where can you find the biggest pencil in the world?

Spoiler

Pennsylvania!

I didn't read the spoiler, and my guess is in Pennsylvania.

 

[fresh_42]

Now I understand what NJ and OR are for. But I'm a little bit nervous about MA.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Now I understand what NJ and OR are for. But I'm a little bit nervous about MA.

Can you give a spoiler or something?

 

[DrGreg]

Now I understand what NJ and OR are for. But I'm a little bit nervous about MA.

Let me guess:

NJ -- where pullovers are designed
OR -- where they grow a herb for pizzas
MA -- where there are a large number of dentures

 

[Ibix]

NJ -- where pullovers are designed

I bought one - it's my new New Jersey jersey.

 

[Ibix]

And in a similar vein, does anyone know the largest London Borough?

Spoiler

Wapping

Spoiler

Actually it's Bromley, but that's not funny