Collection of Lame Jokes

[Keith_McClary]

Rabbits Against Magic by Jonathan Lemon for March 25, 2020

 

[strangerep]

[Piping the haggis...]

Huh?

I don't get it. Is this a "haggis-and-fishes" miracle whereby that one little dish will feed the hundreds of people in that room?

Or is it that a haggis is more effective at repelling people (compared to bagpipes)?

 

[Keith_McClary]

Or is it that a haggis is more effective at repelling people (compared to bagpipes)?

Haggis and bagpipes combined, although the effect may be countered by the liquid refreshments usually served on this occasion.

 

[256bits]

There was this viral video too.
Reporter got the message.
https://www.cnn.com/travel/article/yellowstone-reporter-reaction-bison-herd-trnd/index.html

 

[jack action]

 

[mfb]

Coming with a free set of iGlasses.

 

[jack action]

Now that you're in isolation, are you realizing that you're not a social drinker, but a true alcoholic?

 

[Keith_McClary]

social drinker

That's why the liquor stores and pot shops are classified as "essential services".

 

[jack action]

This Week's Horoscope​

Aries:
You are going to spend time at home.

Taurus:
You are going to spend time at home.

Gemini:
You are going to spend time at home.

Cancer:
You are going to spend time at home.

Leo:
You are going to spend time at home.

Virgo:
You are going to spend time at home.

Libra:
You are going to spend time at home.

Scorpio:
You are going to spend time at home.

Sagittarius:
You are going to spend time at home.

Capricorn:
You are going to spend time at home.

Aquarius:
You are going to spend time at home.

Pisces:
You are going to spend time at home.

 

[WWGD]

Guy goes to therapy with his wife:
Therapist to guy: " Do you feel your wife controls you?"
Wife:" No, he doesn't!"

 

[davenn]

Wife: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective, we should split up.

Me: Good idea, we can cover more ground that way!

 

[WWGD]

Mike Tyson finally explained why he bit Evander Holyfield's ear in a boxing match in 1996:
"I thought it was Evander the Real _Meal_ Holyfield"

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

Entering New York City

 

[Keith_McClary]

View attachment 259685

Costco isn't allowing refunds on TP, sanitizer, etc.

The price gougers can hope for a gastrointestinal virus.

 

[jack action]

This confinement thing is officially RI-DI-CU-LOUS:

 

[WWGD]

The vendor in Paris had DeGaulle of trying to sell me a 2nd rate t-shirt and Eiffel for it. I can't remember the name in his tag but Quasimodo rings a bell...

 

[phinds]

 

[davenn]

Exterminate ...….

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Mark44]

I was in the bank today when two men wearing masks came in. One of them shouted, "Hands up, this is a robbery!"
Everyone breathed a sigh of relief...

 

[WWGD]

Lady at the bank approached the teller to find out about her balance. The teller gave her a slight push and she did not fall. "Your balance is OK".

 

[davenn]

I invented a surgical robot,

so far it only operates on batteries..

 

[davenn]

All those years ago Max and the Chief had it right

 

[Borg]

Someday, the phrase "2020 Hindsight" is going to have an entirely different meaning.

 

[gmax137]

First, I thought "what? no audio??" turns out, audio isn't necessary :)

 

[fresh_42]

First, I thought "what? no audio??" turns out, audio isn't necessary :)

My suspicion is since long that there are far more things common to us all than we normally expect there are.

 

[jtbell]

Inspired by another currently-ongoing thread:

 

[Ibix]

Inspired by another currently-ongoing thread:

View attachment 259940

In a similar vein, I have a tshirt with four cows sitting round a table playing Muuuus.

 

[Ibix]

I fancied going for a swim, but I wasn't sure when the local pool opened so I gave them a ring. "Is this the local pool?" I asked. "I dunno," he said. "Depends where you're calling from."

 

[Ibix]

I was just in the supermarket and I saw a guy buying three crates of San Miguel, 5 paellas and six sombreros. I thought "Hispanic buying."