Collection of Lame Jokes

[fresh_42]

I listened to two guys in the supermarket:
"Boss, I made a mistake and ordered too much washing powder."
"No problem. Hang on a sign: 'Only two packages a person'."

 

[mfb]

Great, yet another item where I now have to get a supply quickly before these panic buyers buy all of it!

 

[nuuskur]

View attachment 259756

oh that is dark

 

[jack action]

Yesterday, I was in a taxi, and I leaned forward to ask the driver a question and I touched his shoulder slightly to get his attention. The guy scream for his life, lost control of the car, almost hit a bus, got on the sidewalk to barely avoid a pole! «Are you crazy?» I said to him, while still shaking nervously.

- «I'm sorry, you really scared me», he replied.

- «I barely touched your shoulder!»

Still shook up, the driver told me: «It's my first day as a taxi driver. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years.»

 

[Ibix]

Yesterday, I was in a taxi, and I leaned forward to ask the driver a question and I touched his shoulder slightly to get his attention. The guy scream for his life, lost control of the car, almost hit a bus, got on the sidewalk to barely avoid a pole!

I thought this was going to be a social distancing joke...

 

[jack action]

 

[Ibix]

How do you find Will Smith in falling snow?

Follow the fresh prints.

 

[jack action]

A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men gets out and goes into the office.

"I need some four-by-two's", he says.

"You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.

The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go check."

Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be acceptable.

"OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?"

The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go check," he says.

He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says, "we're building a house".

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 259685

I can imagine people using it to bet on card games. "I bet a quarter, 2.5 tp's". " Too rich for my blood, I am using the bidet!".

 

[WWGD]

Seems Chuck Norris caught Covid.

Covid 19 put on quaranteen.

 

[Keith_McClary]

Today's Pearls Before Swine

 

[davenn]

The hills were alive with the ...

 

[fresh_42]

I didn't know my grandma had a gun at all, until I coughed near her house.

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

If you find yourself stressed during these trying times, try some tomato soup to sooth your soul.

It's good cold. In fact, put it over ice. With vodka.

 

[BillTre]

A blast from the past:

 

[fresh_42]

https://www.physicsforums.com/attachments/260234

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Stavros Kiri]

 

[jack action]

It's ironic that the economy is collapsing because people buy only what they need.

 

[Ibix]

I was bored, so I swapped all the contents of the herbs and spices. My wife hasn't noticed yet, but that thyme is cumin.

 

[jtbell]

Yes, bide thy thyme, while listening to “The Seasonings”, S. 1/2 tsp, by P. D. Q. Bach:

 

[Ibix]

My grandparents were called Pearl and Dean, but we always called them grandma and grandpa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa!

(That may only work for UK folks)

 

[Stavros Kiri]

It's ironic that the economy is collapsing because people buy only what they need.

I was bored ...

When they get bored and eat and have consumed everything, while at home, they'll order from home and that ought to bring back the economy straight! ...

 

[fresh_42]

I was bored, so I swapped all the contents of the herbs and spices. My wife hasn't noticed yet, but that thyme is cumin.

Be careful she won't board you for that, e.g. towards Eire.

 

[Vanadium 50]

I was bored, so I swapped all the contents of the herbs and spices. My wife hasn't noticed yet, but that thyme is cumin.

Swapping the spices? Quite a caper!

 

[jack action]

Seems Chuck Norris caught Covid.

Covid 19 put on quaranteen.

 

[WWGD]

My grandparents were called Pearl and Dean, but we always called them grandma and grandpa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa!

(That may only work for UK folks)

I tried to tell this joke but everyone threw themselves at the floor during the pa-pa-pa...

 

[WWGD]

A bit dark:

I love manic depression.
I hate it.

 

[256bits]

Swapping the spices? Quite a caper!

A caper with foresight -or not - he has to eat what she cooks.

 

[phinds]

A caper with foresight -or not - he has to eat what she cooks.

Either I'm missing your joke or you missed his. Do you know what capers are?

 

[phinds]

 

[256bits]

Either I'm missing your joke or you missed his. Do you know what capers are?

Caper has several meanings.
Think about it. Substitute "prank" for caper.

 

[phinds]

Caper has several meanings.
Think about it. Substitute "prank" for caper.

Yes, I know that but that was not the use in the joke.

 

[256bits]

Yes, I know that but that was not the use in the joke.

I was following up with a definite meaning of caper.
The prankster will have the caper backfire in him.
Pardon the expression, But he may get to have his caper, and eat it too.