Collection of Lame Jokes

fresh_42 · May 15, 2020

DrGreg said:

I suppose he could feel it coming, in the air?

Thank you. I had it on the tongue and couldn't get the solution (i.e. second line).

phinds · May 15, 2020

WWGD said:

Bought a radio with the knob stuck at max volume for $1.
Couldn't turn it down.

Q: Is a broken snare drum really a great Xmas present?
A: Sure. You can't beat it.

phinds · May 15, 2020

Tech Support

Tech: OK, right click on the desktop
Caller: OK, I did that
Tech: now do you see the pop-up menu
Caller: No.
Tech: Hm ... well, try it again and tell me if you see the pop-up menu
Caller: No, I did it again but still nothing
Tech: Can you tell me, very precisely, just what you are doing?
Caller: I'm doing exactly what you said to do. You said "write 'click'" so I typed in 'click'.
----------------------
Tech: You say the power switch on your new computer doesn't work?
Caller: Right. I can't even get the computer to turn on
Tech: Tell me where the power switch is and exactly what it looks like
Caller: It's right there on the floor where it belongs. It looks a little bit like a mouse but when I press it with my foot, nothing happens.
----------------------
Tech: Do you still see the cursor?
Caller: No, he left for work about an hour ago.

fresh_42 · May 15, 2020

phinds said:

Tech Support

Tech: OK, right click on the desktop
Caller: OK, I did that
Tech: now do you see the pop-up menu
Caller: No.
Tech: Hm ... well, try it again and tell me if you see the pop-up menu
Caller: No, I did it again but still nothing
Tech: Can you tell me, very precisely, just what you are doing?
Caller: I'm doing exactly what you said to do. You said "write 'click'" so I typed in 'click'.
----------------------
Tech: You say the power switch on your new computer doesn't work?
Caller: Right. I can't even get the computer to turn on
Tech: Tell me where the power switch is and exactly what it looks like
Caller: It's right there on the floor where it belongs. It looks a little bit like a mouse but when I press it with my foot, nothing happens.
----------------------
Tech: Do you still see the cursor?
Caller: No, he left for work about an hour ago.

Reminds of BOFH.

WWGD · May 15, 2020

The Italian bakery stopped delivery after
chef pasta away.
Owner said he cannoli do so much.
Sadly, they may end as a pizza history.

davenn · May 15, 2020

fresh_42 · May 15, 2020

davenn said:

View attachment 262842

Can I give two thumbs up?

mfb · May 15, 2020

Ask your doctor if that is okay.

WWGD · May 15, 2020

mfb said:

Ask your doctor if that is okay.

And cough while at it .

jack action · May 16, 2020

Keith_McClary · May 16, 2020

jack action said:

View attachment 262896

Did you get the Dodge Coronavirus Financial Incentives ?
Toyota doesn't make the Corona anymore, but they are offering Coronavirus financing.

fresh_42 · May 16, 2020

Keith_McClary said:

Did you get the Dodge Coronavirus Financial Incentives ?
Toyota doesn't make the Corona anymore, but they are offering Coronavirus financing.

Even better: I read somewhere that some Mexicans ran out of beer (production stop)!

fresh_42 · May 16, 2020

DrGreg · May 16, 2020

fresh_42 said:

View attachment 262897

Anyone who watched British TV commercials in the 1970s will remember this:

Son: "Dad, do you know the piano's on my foot?"

Dad: "You hum it, son, and I'll play it!"

phinds · May 16, 2020

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I wondered why the Frisbee kept looking larger as it got closer. Then it hit me.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
Velcro - what a rip off!
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Ibix · May 16, 2020

phinds said:

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

Somebody broke into the local dog pound and released all the dogs. Police are desperately searching for leads.

phinds · May 16, 2020

A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back.
A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand."
The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!"
The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor.
"Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."

phinds · May 16, 2020

A meal during lockdown:

BillTre · May 16, 2020

BillTre · May 16, 2020

davenn · May 16, 2020

DrGreg said:

Anyone who watched British TV commercials in the 1970s will remember this:

Son: "Dad, do you know the piano's on my foot?"

Dad: "You hum it, son, and I'll play it!"

OMG, haven't heard that one since I was a kid

jack action · May 16, 2020

My commute is now from my bed to my living room and I'm still late to work every day.

I'm starting to think that I'm the problem.

Ibix · May 16, 2020

jack action said:

My commute is now from my bed to my living room and I'm still late to work every day.

I'm starting to think that I'm the problem.

You obviously need a job that sucks harder.

fresh_42 · May 16, 2020

jack action said:

My commute is now from my bed to my living room and I'm still late to work every day.

I'm starting to think that I'm the problem.

Must be a relativity thing. The shorter the distance the later you are. I must know. I'd been living next to a bus stop of a line I regularly used. I had never missed so many busses before.