Collection of Lame Jokes

[Fervent Freyja]

I found this today. I’m going to do it.

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[mfb]

Greg
Kentucky
3029

 

[Fervent Freyja]

 

[jtbell]

Two guys walk into a bar.

Guy #1: "I'll have some H₂O."

Guy #2: "I'll have some H₂O, too."

They both down their drinks and guy #2 dies.

 

[Bandersnatch]

Two guys walk into a bar.

Guy #1: "I'll have some H2O."

Guy #2: "I'll have some H2O, too."

They both down their drinks and guy #2 dies.

'And here's a fiver for some H2O for you, barkeep!'
Barkeep is buried in a lead coffin.

 

[jack action]

'And here's a fiver for some H2O for you, barkeep!'
Barkeep is buried in a lead coffin.

I didn't know about that chemical (although I could imagine it had to do with radioactive material), so I did a little search on the web for it. The first match was a water store. I guess they like the play on words but didn't know that the chemical really exists:

 

[jack action]

Did you hear about the band called 1023MB?

They're good, but they haven't got a gig yet.

 

[davenn]

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

 

[mfb]

Uranium dioxideperoxide
It's a solid with only mild radioactivity (for reasonable uranium isotopes).

 

[etotheipi]

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

I heard that 100% of people who drink water die

 

[fresh_42]

I heard that 100% of people who drink water die

What is water? Is that this thing which is sold in bottles with the note: for external use only?

 

[etotheipi]

Is that this thing which is sold in bottles with the note: for external use only?

I believe that's ketchup. But warning labels are sure important:

 

[BillTre]

 

[Keith_McClary]

 

[jack action]

 

[Fervent Freyja]

 

[DrGreg]

View attachment 268532​

Free guitar, no strings attached

An excuse to recycle a joke I've told before on this site:

Free barometer, no pressure.

 

[fresh_42]

An excuse to repeat a joke I've told before on this site:

Free barometer, no pressure.

These type of jokes reminds me of what we told as school kids: free Greenland - off with the ice shield. Now that it actually happens it isn't so funny anymore.

 

[256bits]

Greg
Kentucky
3029

I couldn't find Pluto.
No wonder
" Pluto (minor planet designation: 134340 Pluto) "

 

[256bits]

These type of jokes reminds me on what we told as school kids: free Greenland - off with the ice shield. Now that it actually happens it isn't so funny anymore.

Made me think of the Freemasons and what do they have to do with the mason jars.
If one has a stuck lid do you call them up to free the jar?
And is it a free service?
Must be a catch.
Could be that the first service call is free, and you get dinged each and every time after that.
Poor granny who wants a home made sweet n sour pickle but can't afford the fee until the gov't check comes in at the end on the month.
Oh the humanity of it all.

 

[256bits]

View attachment 268498

In times like this, shouldn't that be "Stay Negative."
It's a weird world out there.

 

[phinds]

In times like this, shouldn't that be "Stay Negative."
It's a weird world out there.

Ah ... you think maybe that was the point of the joke?

 

[fresh_42]

In times like this, shouldn't that be "Stay Negative."
It's a weird world out there.

This also reminds me of an old pun: a fellow student hung a sign at his door "The only positive in my life has been the test!" Only that he meant another test in the 80's.

 

[256bits]

Howling wolf. We need the howling wolf icon!

Would this be of any acceptance in lieu of the howling wolf.

Crazy dog

 

[DaveC426913]

Linguistics Professor, to class: "A double negative such as 'I won't not' makes a positive. But a double positive never makes a negative."

Scoffing student in back row: "Yeah, right."

 

[phinds]

Linguistics Professor, to class: "A double negative such as 'I won't not' makes a positive. But a double positive never makes a negative."

Scoffing student in back row: "Yeah, right."

But actually, because of the sarcasm w/ which they are spoken in that context they are actually each negatives and two negatives is just a negative, so in the WRITTEN version, he's technically correct but not really for the spoken version.

Yeah, I know, I'm a spoilsport. I do get the joke.

 

[Ibix]

Scoffing student in back row: "Yeah, right."

"Anyway, Skinny broke into the argument and said that he could prove mathematically that antigravity was possible, and Stinky said suure he could, and Skinny said sure he could, and Stinky said suuure he could, like that. Honestly, is that any way to argue? I mean it sounds like two people agreeing,"

One of my favourite short stories - We didn't do anything wrong, hardly.

 

[DaveC426913]

But actually, because of the sarcasm w/ which they are spoken in that context they are actually each negatives

Yeah, I know, I'm a spoilsport. I do get the joke.

Not to belabour the joke, but...

The individual spoken words would not in-and-of-themselves constitute sarcasm. If the student had simply said "Yeah" that doesn't really have any sarcastic subtext. It's the combination in the oft-used phrase "Yeah, right" that begets the sarcasm.

 

[phinds]

Not to belabour the joke, but...

The individual spoken words would not in-and-of-themselves constitute sarcasm. If the student had simply said "Yeah" that doesn't really have any sarcastic subtext. It's the combination in the oft-used phrase "Yeah, right" that begets the sarcasm.

I disagree. "Right" can be spoken as "Riiiiiight" and is clearly sarcastic. Similarly, "yeah" can be spoken with pure sarcasm.

 

[davenn]

 

[Fervent Freyja]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Ibix]

If you have ice cream then I will give it to you. If you have no ice cream then I will take it away from you.

This is an ice cream koan.