Collection of Lame Jokes

[phinds]

From a collect of smart-ass remarks by pilots and/or ground controllers. Some of the better ones.

Tower: TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees to a heading of 120 degrees
Pilot: Hey tower, we're at 30,000 feet. How much noise can we MAKE up here?
Tower: Well, do you know how much noise a 747 makes when it collides with a 737?

Pilot: (one of many, waiting for takeoff) I'm $#^*@#% bored
Tower: Last pilot to transmit, identify yourself immediately !
Pilot: I said I'm $#^*@#% bored, not $#^*@#% stupid.

After a DC-10 came in fast and made a long stop almost to the end of the runway:
Tower: American 751, make a hard right at the end of the runway if you are able. If you are not, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the light, and return to the airport.

 

[phinds]

This is from sometime in the1990's as I recall. At that time, Quantas had the best safety record of any airline and very rigorous maintenance crews. These crews took their jobs very seriously but didn't always take the paperwork seriously. These are actual pilot (P) incident reports and maintenance crew (M) responses (in writing). I found this list so hilarious that I went to the trouble of typing it into a text file from the magazine it was in. I just ran across the file.

Enjoy:

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
M:Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what they're for.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing
M: After brief search, engine found on right wing.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[DaveC426913]

Co-Pilot to Pilot: "Sir! We're coming in too fast! We won't stop in time!"
Pilot: "Extend flaps and landing gear to kill our speed."
Co-pilot: "Still not enough! We're going to go off the end of the runway!"
Pilot: "Full reverse on engines!"
Co-pilot: "I don't know if it'll be enough!"

Plane lands with screeching brakes and smoking tires - and stops with its front wheels just off the tarmack into the grass.

Pilot: "Wow, that is the shortest runaway I've ever seen!"
Co-pilot: "Yeah. But sure is wide."

 

[DaveC426913]

P: Number 3 engine missing
M: After brief search, engine found on right wing.

"After brief search..."
Kills me every time.

 

[Ibix]

From a collect of smart-ass remarks by pilots and/or ground controllers. Some of the better ones.

If you want to while away a few hours, search YouTube for Kennedy Steve. That's a nickname for a (now retired) ground controller at JFK who radiated an interesting mix of confidence, competence, and dad jokes. One of his standards was telling a pilot who asked which way to face (meaning should they turn the aircraft left or right once they reverse off the terminal building) that they should face the front because passengers get nervous if they see the pilot facing the other way. Reactions ranged from a clearly annoyed "hilarious" to "yeah, but you should see the expressions on their faces".

 

[Ibix]

Plane lands with screeching brakes and smoking tires - and stops with its front wheels just off the tarmack into the grass.

I've genuinely had a seminar canceled because the speaker was unable to make it due to his aircraft being stuck in mud. Apparently his local airport was built on a bog and the aircraft's wheel had come slightly off the taxiway...

 

[jack action]

Egg salad is still chicken salad when you think about it.

 

[fresh_42]

Egg salad is still chicken salad when you think about it.

In some countries, yes, but I definitely prefer my eggs unfertilized.

 

[BillTre]

Well, you could use non-chicken eggs.

Which came first, the chicken salad or the egg salad?

 

[Bystander]

Co-pilot: "Yeah. But sure is wide."

We had/have a member whose signature included/s "Full flaps god____it, that's a tennis court!"

 

[fresh_42]

I once was in the middle of a short flight (~1h) and started to look out the window to see where we are and when the destination approach began, when the pilot announced: "Good morning! We have now reached our regular height and ..." Hell, no, did I board the wrong plane? You are supposed to descend!

 

[DrGreg]

I once was in the middle of a short flight (~1h)

"Minus one hour" is really short!

(Problem with font size, on my screen at 90% magnification, "~" looks exactly like "−".)

 

[DaveC426913]

For @phinds :

My grandfather once said "when one door closes, another one opens".

Great man, terrible cabinet maker.

 

[phinds]

For @phinds :

My grandfather once said "when one door closes, another one opens".

Great man, terrible cabinet maker.

Yeah, that's an old chestnut on the Wood Barter forum, but still worth a chuckle.

 

[mfb]

I once was in the middle of a short flight (~1h) and started to look out the window to see where we are and when the destination approach began, when the pilot announced: "Good morning! We have now reached our regular height and ..." Hell, no, did I board the wrong plane? You are supposed to descend!

Once my flight was diverted to a nearby airport due to a storm. After we landed the storm cleared up and the airline decided to fly us to our original destination. Our mid/long-range aircraft then proceeded to take off... and stopped because we needed to descend. 150 km flight with an aircraft that is made to fly thousands of kilometers.

Some of these short distances have routine flights, but mainly as support for longer distances and usually with smaller aircraft.

 

[jack action]

Two morons find a mirror on the street. One picks it up and says: «Hey, I know that guy. But I can't remember from where...» The other one takes the mirror and says: «Idiot, it's me!»

 

[BillTre]

I like how Bugs Bunny uses the more socially acceptable term "maroon" in his cartoons.

 

[DaveC426913]

Whatta nincowpoop!
Whatta ta ra ra goon dee-ay!

 

[Fervent Freyja]

I still do this. You belong to me now!

 

[fresh_42]

I still do this. You belong to me now!
View attachment 268788

Stay away from Turkey. And I heard a story these days, where a young lady found a nice stone on a beach in Croatia. Back home she cleaned that thing and it turned out it was a handgranate.

 

[Fervent Freyja]

Stay away from Turkey. And I heard a story these days, where a young lady found a nice stone on a beach in Croatia. Back home she cleaned that thing and it turned out it was a handgranate.

Years ago, I was cleaning out my exes nightstand dresser and found a REAL grenade. Apparently, it had been disarmed and he was probably playing with it. I didn’t know that it wasn’t live at the time. I had it in my hand before I realized what it was and had been terrified when I did. My heart was racing. WHY IS THERE A GRENADE IN OUR HOUSE!

 

[strangerep]

[...] it turned out it was a handgranate.

That one took me a couple of minutes: "Is it some kind of fossilized fruit? Maybe like pomegranate is an Englishman fossilized in stone?"

Then I realized you're using the German word.

 

[fresh_42]

WHY IS THERE A GRENADE IN OUR HOUSE!

I am absolutely convinced that no firearm of any kind should be in a household with kids. An hour ago they said on tv in a report about the issue, that 1,300 kids in the US die every year through guns. What an incredible high number! I even think that unless you live in Alaska or so, they aren't necessary at all. But this is already politics if Americans are involved and thus a forbidden topic.

 

[fresh_42]

That one took me a couple of minutes: "Is it some kind of fossilized fruit? Maybe like pomegranate is an Englishman fossilized in stone?"

Then I realized you're using the German word.

Yes, sorry, I realized it as I saw Freyja's response. But she already quoted it so it was too late to edit. Those words which are basically the same are the meanest traps.

 

[Keith_McClary]

The optimist says, “Tomorrow is another day!”

The pessimist says, “Tomorrow is another day.”

BasilBruce's comment.

 

[anyonebutangel]

View attachment 268637
and people updating status before their smartphone goes dead

 

[wrobel]

 

[jack action]

The legend says that if you fishtail in front of a police car, you will hear the siren song.

 

[anyonebutangel]

ever tried?

The legend says that if you fishtail in fr

 

[jack action]

ever tried?

I've seen a lot of lights flashing, but could never hear the chant.

 

[anyonebutangel]

I've seen a lot of lights flashing, but could never hear the chant.

now that is humour!

 

[jtbell]

How does a wild boar capture its prey?

By backing it into a corner and talking it to death.

 

[davenn]

 

[mfb]

 

[davenn]

Fencing is the ultimate COVID-19 sport.
You wear a mask, gloves and if anyone gets within 6 feet, you stab them.