Collection of Lame Jokes

[Stavros Kiri]

Still strong fanatic quarantine lovers never give up (quarantine or not) ... they always still send SMS to themselves everytime they go out! ... ...

 

[davenn]

Don't mess with the elderly !

+

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500".
The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $2,000, please use the ATM.”
The old lady wanted to know why ...
The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line behind you.”
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, “My apologies Ma'am, you have $5 million in your account and our bank doesn't have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The teller told her any amount up to $250,000.
"Well, please let me have $250,000 now", she requested. The teller did so quickly, then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her elderly client.
The old lady put $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $249,500 back into her account.

Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills.

 

[jtbell]

For some reason, today I happened to think about the Broward County Performing Arts Center in Fort Lauderdale FL, where my parents lived after they retired. We occasionally went to concerts there. One of the major donors was a large national trash-collection company which had offices in that city, so the second level overlooking the main lobby was emblazoned with the title:

WASTE MANAGEMENT MEZZANINE

I wonder how many people went up there looking for the restrooms?

 

[BillTre]

 

[fresh_42]

I would have chosen him:

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

If life gives melons, you may be dyslexic.

 

[Whipley Snidelash]

Famous Last Words…

…your wife’s mother-in-law - I have a wonderful recipe for this, would you like me to give it to you?

…on a frozen lake - it must be safe, it hardly cracks at all when I step on it.

…on a glacier - that looks safe, it's barely a crack, we’ll cross there.

…on an alien world - oh, isn’t that cute, I wonder if it’s friendly…here boy, hungry?

…in space - That’s strange, let’s move in for a closer look.

…near a black hole - I can’t see anything, let’s move in for a closer…

Probably TOO lame

 

[Whipley Snidelash]

“Look, one of the three pyramids is opening up.”
“Which one?”
“The one with the ever widening doorway.”
-Firesign Theatre

also too lame

 

[davenn]

Back in the 1980's, in Canada, there was a Chinese cooking show called "Wok with Yan".
The host was a man named Stephen Yan. Every show he started, he always wore an apron with a "wok" pun on it.
They included:
Wok & Roll
Wokking My Baby Back Home
Danger, Men at Wok
Wok Around the Clock
Wok the Heck
You Are Wok You Eat
Wok Goes up Must Come Down
Wok's New, Pussycat?
Wokkey Night in Canada
Stuck Between a Wok and a Hard Place
Raiders of The Lost Wok
Moon Wok
Jailhouse Wok
Over Wok, Under Pay
Wok Me to the Church On Time
Woksy Ladies
Wok-A-Doodle-Doo
Wok Me Amadeus

 

[Vanadium 50]

Back in the 1980's, in Canada, there was a Chinese cooking show called "Wok with Yan".

Was the theme song the Bee Gees' Stayin' Alive?

Oh you can tell by the way I use my wok,
I'm a Chinese cook...

 

[Ibix]

You can deduce the temperature of the oil using the wok-energy theorem.

 

[Wrichik Basu]

Courtesy @davenn

 

[etotheipi]

I wonder if his face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall in King's Cross Station...

 

[jack action]

An 80-year-old grandpa and grandma go to McDonald's on a winter evening.
The Grandpa and Grandma go to the cash register, pay for the meal and go to sit at a table.
On Papy's tray are a hamburger, a packet of fries and a Coke.

... Grandpa unwraps the hamburger and cuts it in half, he does the same for the fries.
He places one half in front of his wife and the other half in front of him. He takes a sip of Coke and then gives his glass to Grandma who does the same.

The man starts his part of hamburger and fries.

A young man who has been watching the scene since their arrival thinks that they each cannot afford a real meal, he approaches their table and, a little embarrassed, offers to offer them another meal.
Grandpa thanks him and tells him that all is well and that they are used to sharing everything.
Then the people around them realize that Grandma has not touched anything yet and that the husband is almost at the end of his meal.
The young man begs them one last times to accept.
This time, it's Grandma who replies that it's not necessary, that they are used to sharing everything.
At this point, Grandpa has finished his meal and wipes his mouth.
The young man said to Grandma:
- Madam, why don't you eat? You say you share everything ... I don't understand!
And the lady answers: - I'm waiting for his teeth !

 

[DrClaude]

Back in the 1980's, in Canada, there was a Chinese cooking show called "Wok with Yan".

Oh my God! You just opened up a part of my memory that was deeply buried!

 

[Wrichik Basu]

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

On November 1st, I'm not setting back my clocks because, seriously, nobody needs one more hour in 2020!

 

[Ibix]

The police came to the gym today. Apparently some guy had been dealing steroids and they had a warrant to open his locker. Due to a mix up, they opened some other guy's locker, and it turned out that one was full of drugs too! Unfortunately they couldn't do anything about it - those weren't the 'roids they were looking for.

 

[etotheipi]

The police came to the gym today. Apparently some guy had been dealing steroids and they had a warrant to open his locker. Due to a mix up, they opened some other guy's locker, and it turned out that one was full of drugs too! Unfortunately they couldn't do anything about it - those weren't the 'roids they were looking for.

Must have been Qui-Gon Gym,

 

[Keith_McClary]

xkcd

"Nerd immunity"?

 

[davenn]

It's the wife's birthday next week...
she's been leaving jewellery catalogues all over the house...
so I've bought her a magazine rack...

 

[Fervent Freyja]

Drama Kings!

 

[Keith_McClary]

Today is the "Speech from the Throne" in Canada. The Governor General is using the traditional throne in the Senate Chamber. (Not working from home.)

 

[Ibix]

Today is the "Speech from the Throne" in Canada. The Governor General is using the traditional throne in the Senate Chamber. (Not working from home.)

Is "throne" a slang term for a toilet in Canada too? That'd be an... interesting speech.

 

[Auto-Didact]

 

[jack action]

I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.

 

[strangerep]

When I hear the phrase "men don't start drama" [...]

Nah -- only the guys you're most attracted to.

 

[strangerep]

Today is the "Speech from the Throne" in Canada. The Governor General is [...] (Not working from home.)

Oh, I was wondering what "Speech from the Throne" meant. Up to now, I figured it was a polite way of saying that some jerk was having a brainfart.

 

[Keith_McClary]

Oh, I was wondering what "Speech from the Throne" meant. Up to now, I figured it was a polite way of saying that some jerk was having a brainfart.

You better hope the Usher of the Black Rod and the Sergeant-at-Arms don't read that!

 

[Keith_McClary]

I found this comics time-wasting site:
https://thenib.com/
I liked these:
https://thenib.com/happy-trails/
https://thenib.com/one-society-s-trash/

 

[256bits]

Oh, I was wondering what "Speech from the Throne" meant. Up to now, I figured it was a polite way of saying that some jerk was having a brainfart.

I wonder now that Game of Thrones had a hidden meaning.
( Never watched it btw, so I can wonder in ignorance )

 

[gmax137]

I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.

One of the wags at work came up with our company slogan:
"We're not happy until you're not happy."