Collection of Lame Jokes

[Fervent Freyja]

Nah -- only the guys you're most attracted to.

Well, I suppose I do like ‘em served rational with a tad bit neurotic and feisty... For real though, I’m hiding out and am ready to bolt on a couple of them at the moment.

I had this Navy vet go cuckoo on me a few months ago for “friendzoning” him after 2 dates. Immaturely requested that I give him back his textbooks (I didn’t ask) and then showed up at one of my jobs waiting in the parking lot -without telling me- a few days later because he wanted to make sure I got some of my stuff back and to tell me that he changed his mind about the books/wanting another date. Nope, buddy. My tactic is to lay low and try to disappear, I’m not keen on getting chopped up into pieces. Male ego can be overdramatic and irrational.

 

[Fervent Freyja]

 

[strangerep]

Well, I suppose I do like ‘em served rational with a tad bit neurotic and feisty... For real though, I’m hiding out and am ready to bolt on a couple of them at the moment. [...]

Geez, I'd intended only a joke,... but,... hmmm...

 

[256bits]

View attachment 269898​

Geez. At least it wasn't a pinata party.

 

[jtbell]

View attachment 269898​

 

[member 656954]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson had gone camping.

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes shook Watson awake and demanded, "Watson look up in the sky and tell me what you see."

Complying, Watson replied, "Stars, Holmes. Millions and millions of stars."

"And what do you deduce from that?" Holmes asked.

Watson replied thoughtfully, "Well if there are a million stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said, "Watson, you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent."

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

I'd tell you a joke about UDP, but you might not get it.

 

[Ibix]

I' te l you joke a out UDP, but you m ht ot get it.

Sorry, I think I have a bad connection here...

 

[jack action]

 

[mfb]

Clear evidence that lawyers got smarter.

 

[davenn]

A history lesson for people who think that history doesn't matter:
What's the big deal about railroad tracks?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.
That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?
Well, because that's the way they built them in England, and English engineers designed the first US railroads.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the wagon tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
So, why did 'they' use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that same wheel spacing.
Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break more often on some of the old, long distance roads in England . You see, that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.
And what about the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match or run the risk of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses.)

Now, the twist to the story:
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature, of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system, was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything

 

[mfb]

Snopes is skeptical about that story

1435 mm = 4' 8.5" is widely used but not the only standard (we should make a new one to standardize).
There are 1450 mm, 1458 mm, 1495 mm, 1520 mm, 1524 mm, ...

1520 mm is widely used in Russia and surrounding countries.

 

[Keith_McClary]

https://www.smbc-comics.com/comic/condescension

 

[davenn]

Snopes is skeptical about that story

Partially why I posted in the comedy section rather than in the main GD part
I couldn't verify the info so decided to treat it with a partly true -> comic relief

 

[etotheipi]

 

[jtbell]

1435 mm = 4' 8.5" is widely used but not the only standard (we should make a new one to standardize).
There are 1450 mm, 1458 mm, 1495 mm, 1520 mm, 1524 mm, ...

Pennsylvania has two different broad gauges: 1588mm (5'2.5") on Pittsburgh's light rail / streetcar lines, and 1581mm (5'2.25") on Philadelphia's light rail / streetcar / subway (metro) lines.

I've read that in the 1800s, some cities deliberately forced their street railways to use gauges different from standard railroad gauge, in order to eliminate the possibility of running full-size trains down the streets.

 

[Fervent Freyja]

 

[Fervent Freyja]

 

[Keith_McClary]

I knew this would happen:

 

[Hiero]

(Too many good jokes in this thread, I need to balance it with my lameness.)

I asked the nucleus, “what happened to the cat?”

It said, “IDK”

 

[DrClaude]

https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/message_boards.png

Title text: (c) You can have a scooter when you pay for it yourself, and (d) if you can't learn to start a new thread rather than responding to an old one, you'll be banned. [thread locked by moderator]

 

[Keith_McClary]

start a new thread rather than responding to an old one

There is https://peakoil.com/forums/australia-new-zealand-discussion-f49.html?sid=85435de8fe9aacdf5ceb2b95f6a9f38fwhere they discourage starting new threads (see the dates in the left column). It can get awkward sometimes - respond to a post and be told "he died a few years ago".

 

[wrobel]

The blazon of Russian town Zheleznogorsk.
This town is built around a factory which produced the arm plutonium in 1960th.

 

[jack action]

I'd tell you a joke about UDP, but you might not get it.

In the same trend:

I have a HTTP joke but if I POST it here then you will not GET it.

 

[BillTre]

 

[Hiero]

My joke was too lame even for the lame thread

I asked the nucleus, “what happened to the cat?”

It said, “IDK”

Spoiler

”IDK” = “I decay”

 

[jtbell]

After a recent merger, the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe advertises that they can now handle everything including the Kitchens, Sink.

 

[jim mcnamara]

Today, I learned that the sheep who give us steel wool have no natural enemies.
--- per:
the cartoonist Gary Larson, a great source of Biological insight.

 

[DrClaude]

Today, I learned that the sheep who give us steel wool have no natural enemies.
--- per:
the cartoonist Gary Larson, a great source of Biological insight.

What about the water buffalo?

 

[jack action]

 

[Wrichik Basu]

Not sure if I have posted this one before.

 

[Keith_McClary]

Did we have this yet?

https://malicious.fashionstore.jp/

 

[BillTre]

 

[jack action]