Collection of Lame Jokes

[WWGD]

An old friend of mine hadn't been to the doctor in many years. Finally his wife convinced him to get a full workup. He went in for basic tests and went back when they had the results.

The doctor walked in while studying the test results. He looked up and saw my friend. "Mr Johnson?" the doctor inquired. "I'm surprised to see you here! Based on your test results I thought you were dead".

True story.

I've heard of a similar with logicians: " You can't be here, I proved you don't exist."

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I would not want to share a bathroom with bigfoot.

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 289228
I would not want to share a bathroom with bigfoot.

But no problem with ET?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

But no problem with ET?

Nah, ETs eat very bland diets.

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

This one hits close to home:

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[Ivan Seeking]

 

[Ivan Seeking]

 

[Ivan Seeking]

The cat is clean!

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 289279

I will sing Happy Birthday to Tu You You too!

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I will sing Happy Birthday to Tu You You too!

Here we go again!

 

[DennisN]

"
The Aborigines in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.

He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'

The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold..'

So, the elder went back to his tribe and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'

The meteorologist again replied, 'Yep, it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The elder went back to his tribe and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. Hey, 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?.

'Absolutely,' the guy replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'

'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.

The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aborigines in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.
"

 

[WWGD]

Here we go again!

I couldn't find a way of writing on the same post. I gave up and made a new post.

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I will sing Happy Birthday to Tu You You too!

For her birthday, we gave Tu Youyou a Tatoo tatoo and tutu too.

 

[WWGD]

 

[Ivan Seeking]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[Ivan Seeking]

 

[mpresic3]

I can lick my weight in tigers. I weigh about 1/3 of a tiger. Give me the third of the tiger between the teeth and the claws, and I should do alright

I just found out the saying "I can lick my weight in tigers" is not well known. No one is going to get this joke. I guess the joke is on me.

 

[DaveC426913]

The cat is clean!

View attachment 289274

My friend's cat (yes, a ginger) used to love jumping in the top-loading washer as he was loading it.
He was terrified that the cat would jump in one time while his back was turned and he wouldn't notice.
So, when it jumped in once, he slammed the lid and pounded on the lid, in the hopes of scaring it enough that it would stop trying.
It was hard to watch, but ... tough love.

 

[WWGD]

 

[Keith_McClary]

So, when it jumped in once, he slammed the lid and pounded on the lid, in the hopes of scaring it

He could have held down the interlock and turned it on, so it started to fill with water.

 

[BillTre]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Now what am I forgetting...?

 

[Ivan Seeking]