Collection of Lame Jokes

[fresh_42]

You know you get old when you meet the people you used to see in a bar, now in the drugstore.

 

[DennisN]

 

[Borg]

You know you get old when you meet the people you used to see in a bar, now in the drugstore.

As long as you don't see them in the drugstore right after meeting them in a bar.

 

[WWGD]

Ikea employees are customers that never found their way out of the store.

 

[jack action]

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas and she told me nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.

So I got her nothing.

 

[berkeman]

So I got her nothing.

You're in truuuubuuuul...!

 

[Ibix]

I got my wife diamond earrings: https://i.etsystatic.com/14756584/r/il/53a59e/2923932639/il_794xN.2923932639_e422.jpg

Don't try this at home unless your wife is a scientist with a sense of humour...

 

[gmax137]

I went to the cinema last night. the man sitting in front of me had his dog with him. The dog seemed really engrossed in the film. When the film ended, I said to the owner «This might seem weird but your dog seemed to really enjoy that». «Yes I was surprised too, he hated the book.»

I'm not sure if this one has been posted before:

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep" the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars" the owner says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a frikkin' liar. He's never been out of the back yard."

 

[jack action]

I've just started up a dating site for chickens. It's not my normal day job, I'm just doing it to make hens meet.

 

[Melbourne Guy]

What do you call a snake that is 3.14159 meters long?
Aπthon!

 

[Baluncore]

What do you call a snake that has a precise length ?
Stretchy.

 

[jtbell]

I asked the librarian where I could find books about paranoia.

She leaned over and whispered, "They're right behind you."

 

[DrGreg]

I asked the librarian where I could find books about paranoia.

She leaned over and whispered, "They're right behind you."

A variation that probably only our British readers will understand:

I went into a library and asked where I could find books about pantomime.

Everybody in the library shouted, "They're behind you!"

 

[Borg]

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table when a very attractive woman arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

She says, "I hope you don't mind but, I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice and yells, "Come on, baby needs new clothes!"

As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!"

She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings and clothes, and quickly departs.

The dealers stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll?"

The other answers, "I don't know, I thought you were watching."

 

[valenumr]

What do you call a snake that is 3.14159 meters long?
Aπthon!

Bad puns make me feel numb.
Math puns make me fell number.

 

[BillTre]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 294863View attachment 294862

Not sure if the ' focus' part was intentional but it fits!.

 

[nsaspook]

The 'Chip' shortage.

 

[valenumr]

The 'Chip' shortage.
View attachment 294883

"Not recommended for new designs"

 

[Borg]

James Bond walks into a bar and sits down next to an attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance and casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks if his date is running late.

"No", he replies, "I have a state of the art watch and I was just testing it".

The intrigued woman asks "What's so special about it?"

Bond explains "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

"What's it telling you now?", she asks.

"Well, it's telling me that you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "It must be broken because I am wearing panties."

Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

 

[Borg]

 

[jack action]

Now how I understand why it takes physicists so long to find the theory of everything:

 

[nsaspook]

"Not recommended for new designs"

That's on my resume.

 

[nsaspook]

 

[nsaspook]

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

 

[DennisN]

Happy new 2022!

 

[DennisN]

 

[jtbell]

That looks more like a roll of toilet paper to me.

 

[Keith_McClary]

 

[jack action]

I hear they are developing a mind-controlled air freshener.

It makes scents when you think about it.

 

[jack action]