Collection of Lame Jokes

[Ibix]

Wow, if I was a conspiracy theorist. My post number was 11,969. Apollo 11, 1969. ( There are much thinner premises behind some conspiracies).

The Illuminatus! trilogy makes much of the presence of the mystic number 5 and and the numbers 2 and 3 that add to 5 in a great many significant dates, times, and events (e.g. JFK was shot on the 22nd in '63). One character eventually points out the con game, that practically any date is significant with such a scheme, and if it isn't then there's always times, street numbers, ages... One of them will contain a magic combination, then conspiracy confirmed!

 

[fresh_42]

Either that, or hunters should have to go into the woods unarmed and naked.

For the record: it was a Canadian sign. Just saying.

 

[Ibix]

Amusingly, I originally wrote that JFK was shot on the 23rd, but a quick trip to Wikipedia corrected me. Fortunately, it was in '63, so I was easily able to confirm the conspiracy on either date!

<Dons tinfoil hat>

 

[WWGD]

The Illuminatus! trilogy makes much of the presence of the mystic number 5 and and the numbers 2 and 3 that add to 5 in a great many significant dates, times, and events (e.g. JFK was shot on the 22nd in '63). One character eventually points out the con game, that practically any date is significant with such a scheme, and if it isn't then there's always times, street numbers, ages... One of them will contain a magic combination, then conspiracy confirmed!

You're just scrambling to deny that 63=22*3-3+ 5*0, aren't you? / Sarc

 

[Ibix]

You're just scrambling to deny that 63=22*3-3+ 5*0, aren't you? / Sarc

That's the spirit!

 

[Bandersnatch]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[jtbell]

Don't even think about driving through here...

 

[ergospherical]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 297019

"Football is a gentleman's game played by thugs; rugby is a thug's game played by gentlemen."

 

[fresh_42]

"Football is a gentleman's game played by thugs; rugby is a thug's game played by gentlemen."

Football players pretend to be injured while fit, and rugby players pretend to be fit while injured.

 

[WWGD]

 

[DrGreg]

I gave my seat for an old lady in the bus. Next day I lost my job as a driver.

A joke based on a similar principle:

My grandfather died peacefully in his sleep.

Unlike his passengers.

 

[fresh_42]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nigel_Owens

 

[WWGD]

 

[phinds]

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 297092

I guess Fargo part 2?

 

[WWGD]

University degrees in Egyptology have been found to be a Pyramid Scheme.

 

[DaveC426913]

True Story:

Phone Interviewer: "And then you will get a call from our Managing Director, Benoit."
Me: "Great, what's his last name?"
Interviewer: "It's long."
Me: "OK, I've got a pen and paper. How do you spell it?"
Interviewer: ...
Interviewer: "L ..."
Me: (writing down 'L') "Uh huh?"
Interviewer: "O ..."^{(And, yes I got the job anyway.)}

 

[jack action]

When my wife picks up a restaurant I don't like, I just say "Oh yeah, that's where that really cute girl works."

Problem solved.

 

[Ibix]

When my wife picks up a restaurant I don't like, I just say "Oh yeah, that's where that really cute girl works."

Problem solved.

Reminds me of the old saw about solving a problem using a regex: now you have two problems...

 

[Ibix]

A rabbit walked into a bar and ordered a pint and a cheese toastie. He quickly finished the food and nursed his pint for a bit until, still feeling a bit peckish, he ordered a mushroom toastie. He finished it and his pint and left.

A week later he came back in again and ordered a pint. The barman barely recognised him because he looked terrible, swollen and with a cough.

"Are you OK mate?" he asked.

"It's having the different toasties last week," answered the rabbit. "I should have known better. This is just from mixin' m'toasties."

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 297199

Wow. At least if it were an oncoming train you could squeeze against the tunnel wall and hope...

 

[Hamiltonian]

we were all cringey back then...but at least we were happy.

 

[WWGD]

 

[jack action]

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax, and ... OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

One Irish passenger yelled ...

"For @#*#* sake ... you should see the back of mine!"

 

[BillTre]

 

[WWGD]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Keith_McClary]

SMBC

 

[fresh_42]

Just a note: fossil fuels are technically renewable, too!

 

[jtbell]