Collection of Lame Jokes

[dextercioby]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[phinds]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 327087

Sandi Toksvig told a story of a phone call from her son who had just gone away to university, asking if his red sweatshirt can go in the wash. She said "'I don't know darling, what does it say on it?' And he came back about five minutes later and said 'Manchester United'."

I'll see if I can find the clip. The expression on her face at the end really sells it. Edit: Found it -
here at 4:12.

 

[topsquark]

View attachment 327087

When I was taking my Instructional Strategies class I was often told "Make sure you ask the question you want to have answered."

-Dan

 

[jack action]

 

[jtbell]

A cat rescue modeled its web site after a used-car site. Note the cat "model" names.

But they don't have a PeeMW.

 

[DrClaude]

A cat rescue modeled its web site after a used-car site. Note the cat "model" names.

View attachment 327094

But they don't have a PeeMW.

I like that they are all "in stock"!

 

[topsquark]

A cat rescue modeled its web site after a used-car site. Note the cat "model" names.

View attachment 327094

But they don't have a PeeMW.

Those are all good models. The engines purr like kittens!

-Dan

 

[dextercioby]

 

[BillTre]

Saw this today:

It reminded me of this, one of the best magic performances I know of:

 

[fresh_42]

 

[256bits]

Deadpan jokes:

I asked my girlfriend when her birthday was.
she said march first.
I walked round the room and asked her again.

My friend had his whole left side bitten off by a shark.
Now a bit grumpy, but he is all right.

A burglar kicked in his own door.
He was working from home.

Better when they tell it.

 

[Ibix]

I've just finished postgraduate study of the science of speed. I have been awarded an mphd.

 

[mfb]

In Europe you would have needed a m/s first.

 

[DrGreg]

I've just finished postgraduate study of the science of speed. I have been awarded an mphd.

Other PhDs are a thousand times better than an mPhD.

 

[DennisN]

I got this lovely story from a friend recently :

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“A young man went to bed, kissed his wife and fell asleep.
Suddenly he woke up and saw an elderly man in a white robe standing next to the bed.

- Who are you and what are you doing in my bedroom?

- I am Saint Peter and you are not in your bedroom, said the man.

- Huh!? Do you mean I'm dead? I am so young, said the man. Send me back to my wife at once!

- It is not that simple, said Saint Peter. You only have two chances to get back to Earth. The first is like a dog...

- Like a dog? the man exclaimed. No, it doesn't suit me. What is the other possibility?

- It is to come back as a hen, answered the Lord.

- Okay, let me be a hen! the man decided.

Said and done. The young man turned into a beautiful hen and found himself back on Earth, in a henhouse. Soon he felt a strange sensation in his behind.

- I'm going to explode, he thought. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Then a rooster came up to him.

- You must be the new hen that Saint Peter told about. How does your new life feel? he asked the hen.

- Pretty good, but I have such a strange feeling, as if I'm going to explode, answered the man.

- Yes, laughed the rooster, you must lay an egg!

- And how do I do it? I have never laid an egg!

- You crow twice and then you push as long as you can. So do all the other hens, explained the rooster.

The man crowed twice and pushed as hard as he could and an egg came out!

- It went well! I'll do it again, the man thought. He crowed again and pushed, and out came another egg.

And because it felt so good, he did it one more time. As he crowed, he suddenly heard a voice:

- Henry, wake up, goddamnit, you're pooping all over our bed!
"

 

[jtbell]

View attachment 327134

...over and over and over...

Groundhog Day II
The Groundhog Returns
Son of the Groundhog
Groundhog Redux
The Groundhog's Revenge
Yet Another Groundhog
...

 

[topsquark]

...over and over and over...

Groundhog Day II
The Groundhog Returns
Son of the Groundhog
Groundhog Redux
The Groundhog's Revenge
Yet Another Groundhog
...

You forgot:
The Groundhog Paradox
Groundhog vs. Kong
No Groundhog to Die
Lepregroundhog
A Groundhog on Elm Street
Hallowgroundhog
Irongroundhog
Groundhog: Revolutions
Star Wars: The Groundhog Strikes Back
Groundhograiser

and my personal favorite:
Don't Drive Angry

-Dan

 

[jtbell]

One more:

Déjà Groundhog All Over Again

 

[hmmm27]

One more:

Déjà Groundhog All Over Again

Deja vole.

 

[Swamp Thing]

No Country for Ground Hogs.

 

[phinds]

 

[DaveC426913]

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[256bits]

View attachment 327176

And what should he have said to not get him into trouble.
" You look so much slimmer and younger back then"
" You were so much beautiful back then"
...

"

 

[davenn]

 

[256bits]

What's the one about the snake that can't multiply?

Cuz it's an adder.

 

[jack action]

Why isn't there any mouse-flavored cat food?

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

 

[256bits]

She came out of the company meeting agitated and flustered.
After all the sensitivity training and all that, he still had the audacity to tell her " to quit acting like a flamingo!"

I told her "That's really bad. Put your foot down"