Collection of Lame Jokes

[Swamp Thing]

**Actually, this is a Sign hanging on a door

As an aside, I recently saw someone suggest that the collective noun for a group of pedants should be "an actually." As in, "an actually of pedants has already commented on the post."

A brace of pedants:

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeand...-alexa-shouts-butcher-what-is-brace-pheasants

 

[Orodruin]

Rock-paper-scissors-spock-lizard

If anything it should be
Rock-spock-paper-lizard-scissors
Each option is defeated by the next two.

 

[nsaspook]

View attachment 343105

 

[davenn]

 

[nsaspook]

 

[jack action]

My wife just said that if I don't get off my computer and help with the dishes shes gonna slam my head on the keyboard but I think shes jokinhwnnriowenjauhuhyfewbh48943983wbedjhhfws7hg873243nbiu2q378hgfdbuifqbqwuiehguh-asdhnjqweiorijndaklajhb

 

[jack action]

 

[Ibix]

My wife just said that if I don't get off my computer and help with the dishes shes gonna slam my head on the keyboard but I think shes jokinhwnnriowenjauhuhyfewbh48943983wbedjhhfws7hg873243nbiu2q378hgfdbuifqbqwuiehguh-asdhnjqweiorijndaklajhb

It's a good keyboard to resist that kind of a beating and still keep sending keypresses, though.

 

[jtbell]

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

A referee called a fowl.

 

[WWGD]

It seems Dr Jack Kevorkian, aka Dr Death, was an accomplished pianist. He even put out a record: " Jack Kevorkian: Unplugged".

 

[dextercioby]

 

[Orodruin]

View attachment 343227

Oh deer …

 

[phinds]

The other night, I was invited out to the Arena to watch playoff hockey with the guys. Told the wife that I would be home by midnight: “I promise!” Well, the team won, and the pretty lights caught my attention - as well as a few bachelorettes, and it seemed the honky-tonks were calling my name. The hours passed, and the Virgin Islands rum went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times.

Quickly, realizing my wife (a lovely missus, by the way) would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos= MIDNIGHT! ... nailed it!)

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I said proudly, “MIDNIGHT”…. she didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked her why, she said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh crap”. It cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

 

[nsaspook]

 

[Orodruin]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 343293

We used to be able to lift 5000 times our own weight too (how do you think Stonehenge got built?), but it's been downhill since the Romans got here.

 

[JT Smith]

Nowadays it's more like this:

 

[berkeman]

 

[BillTre]

 

[davenn]

 

[BillTre]

 

[Borg]

 

[jtbell]

True story:

More than 30 years ago, we were looking to fill a vacancy in my department. Our pile of applications included one from a guy named Ding, and one from a guy named Dong.

Our chairman said, "Too bad we can't hire both of them. Then we would have Ding, Dong and Bell."

 

[berkeman]

a guy named Ding, and one from a guy named Dong.

I had a TA in undergrad with one of those last names. His first name was Luong. (true story)

 

[Orodruin]

True story:

More than 30 years ago, we were looking to fill a vacancy in my department. Our pile of applications included one from a guy named Ding, and one from a guy named Dong.

Our chairman said, "Too bad we can't hire both of them. Then we would have Ding, Dong and Bell."

Sounds better than Wang, which is a pretty common name ...

 

[BillTre]

 

[DennisN]

(I've never thought about this odd thing, but it's true (at least in Sweden), we measure screens in inches for some reason .)

 

[Borg]

How dung beetles celebrate Christmas.

 

[jtbell]

Sounds better than Wang, which is a pretty common name ...

One of the other grad students in my research group in grad school was actually named Wang!

 

[DennisN]

I've probably posted this link before, but I couldn't resist when you talked about Asian names...

I'm not sure about the quality of this restaurant in Indonesia...

Edit:

And a screenshot from Google Maps :

 

[topsquark]

One of the other grad students in my research group in grad school was actually named Wang!

I may have posted this before: I once had a Dutch boss named "Dale E. Werk."

-Dan

 

[jbriggs444]

I may have posted this before: I once had a Dutch boss named "Dale E. Werk."

I am sure this has been posted at least once previously.

Niklaus Wirth (creator of Pascal and structured programming maven) was reputedly asked how his name should be pronounced. Pausing a moment he replied "That depends. If you want to call me by name, it is Viert. If you want to call me by value, it is Worth.

 

[davenn]

Actually, when I was a kid .... it was still a manual phone exchange system
the operator in the phone exchange was like ......

not the one from my childhood town that Dad took me to ( Mosgiel, NZ), in the late 1960's
but representitive of it
And in 1976, I got a job with the local branch of the NZPO that also did all the telephone stuff.
By then Mosgiel and surrounds were now automatic exchange.
Going into the mid 1980's and I was still with NZPO ( NZ Post Office) and was part of the reequipping the tourist town of Queenstown with a digital telephone exchange - upgrading from a manual exchange like above.

 

[nsaspook]

Rule, never give your loaded weapon to a Naval officer, give it to the Marine E1 (lowest enlisted) instead.
Navy once again demonstrating the vital roll of the U.S. Marine's Keeping small arms away from Navy Brass.

 

[berkeman]

"Boy, that sure is a little biddy ship out there!"...