Collection of Lame Jokes

[Jimmy Snyder]

They hit me with pepper spray and then mustard gas. Now I'm a seasoned veteran.

I drink brake fluid, but I'm not addicted. I can stop any time.

I went to the general store and said I wanted to buy something. They said I should be more specific.

 

[Drakkith]

I drink brake fluid, but I'm not addicted. I can stop any time.

Oh god...it burns...deep in my brain thing...

 

[Borg]

They hit me with pepper spray and then mustard gas. Now I'm a seasoned veteran.

Did you get fresh with the Spice Girls?

 

[collinsmark]

I drink brake fluid, but I'm not addicted. I can stop any time.

That reminds me of Skank and Gutterboy for some reason.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AaswLSmNxec

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4pE_0h7LUg

 

[jtbell]

Top Ten Reasons to play the Bassoon.

10. Some people consider it a phallic symbol
9. You can blow up a balloon by attaching it to the bell.
8. It makes a great kendo stick.
7. It can be used as a cattle prod.
6. The big end works great as a shop vac.
5. If you’ve lost your bong, you have it made.
4. If you cross an onion with a bassoon, you get music that brings tears to your eyes.
3. It works great as a crutch.
2. If you put the big end up against the wall, you can hear what the people in the other room are saying.
.
.
.
1. It looks awesome on the gun rack of your pickup.

 

[AlephZero]

Top Ten Reasons to play the Bassoon.

Ordinary bassoons are for wimps.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZygC1yff04

Warning: sometimes the hunt in packs. And beware of the the uncoiled "RPG lauucher" design on the right...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YM0uB7HRqGA

 

[jtbell]

At 35 minutes, Kalevi Aho's contrabassoon concerto is definitely no joke!

 

[HeLiXe]

They hit me with pepper spray and then mustard gas. Now I'm a seasoned veteran.

I drink brake fluid, but I'm not addicted. I can stop any time.

I went to the general store and said I wanted to buy something. They said I should be more specific.

aw man...these are all so great
well the veteran one maybe is a little...un-sacred

 

[lisab]

I'd hate to choke to death on a Life Saver.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I'd hate to choke to death on a Life Saver.

No kidding! Instead of struggling to get help, you'd just be lying there considering the irony.

 

[Ibix]

A couple of years ago, I was at home on my own when there was a knock at the door. I opened it, and there was the CEO of Apple. He just shoved past me, went into the kitchen, rooted through the cupboards until he found the Mr Sheen and walked out with both cans.

****ing Jobs, coming here and stealing all our polish.

 

[contrivance]

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

On a bumper sticker:

Support your local search and rescue. Get lost.

 

[dkotschessaa]

Q: What do you do when you see a spaceman?

A: Park in it.

(Filed under "definitely works better out loud, but not by much")

 

[Ivan Seeking]

There was a lady named Bright
Who could travel much faster than light
She set out one day in a Relative way
And was banned as a crackpot that night

 

[Borek]

She set out one day on a trip ashore
And was banned the night before

 

[mathsman1963]

There was a young man from Mauritius
Whose morals were very suspicious
He was found in flagrante
delicto with Auntie
So his future is far from auspicious.

Yes his future is far from auspicious
This immoral young man from Mauritius
But he has no regrets
For he found having sex
With Auntie was rather delicious.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Never hire a scientist as a 911 operator. If someone were to call and report a crime, the operator would inform the caller that the burden of proof lies with the person making the claim; that given nothing but anecdotal evidence for this claim, it would be illogical to assume that a crime has indeed taken place.

 

[Saxby]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because the North Korean long range missiles can't reach that far

 

[Ibix]

Three logicians walk into a bar. The barman says "Would you guys all like a drink?" The first logician says "I don't know". The second logician says "I don't know". The third logician says "Yes".

 

[Coolguy100]

Last night...

Last night I had my first date. It tasted great!

 

[Coolguy100]

Three logicians walk into a bar. The barman says "Would you guys all like a drink?" The first logician says "I don't know". The second logician says "I don't know". The third logician says "Yes".

I don't get it.

 

[lisab]

Last night I had my first date. It tasted great!

Coolguy, that made me crack up.

 

[lisab]

I don't get it.

If either of the first two did not want a drink, their answer would have been "No."

 

[Ibix]

A man walks into a dentist's office.

"Hello! I think I'm a moth!"

"Um... I don't think I can help you. I'm a dentist - I think you need to see a psychiatrist."

"I know."

"Then why did you come into my office?"

"Your light was on."

 

[xunxine]

If Stephen Hawking is a theoretical physicist, what is he is real life?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

My new signature came to mind the other day and struck me as funny.

But maybe it's just me...

 

[dkotschessaa]

What do you call a guy...

Q: What do you call a guy who is all feet?
A: Archie

Q: What do you call a man who lives in a back street?
A: Ali

Q: What’s the name of a Scottish dentist?
A: Phil McCavity

Q: What do you call a guy in debt?
A: Owen

Q: What do you call a guy who puts his right hand into the mouth of a giant white shark?
A: Lefty

Q: What do you call a guy who everyone hangs pictures on?
A: Wally

Q: What do you call a guy who’s been attacked by a lion?
A: Claude

Q: What do you call a guy who can’t light firecrackers?
A: Dudley

Q: What do you call a guy who is the most adventurous?
A: Darin

Q: What do you call a guy who likes all kinds of cars?
A: Otto

Q: What do you call a guy who breaks dishes?
A: Chip

Q: What do you call a guy who cleans fireplaces for a living?
A: Cole

Q: What do you call a guy who is not crazy?
A: Norm

Q: What do you call a guy who honks his car horn all the time?
A: Blaire

Q: What do you call a guy who breaks into houses?
A: Jimmy

Q: What do you call a guy in a meat grinder with no arms and no legs?
A: Chuck


Q: What do you call a guy who likes meat, potatoes, and vegetables?
A: Stu

Q: What do you call a guy who’s been hung up on the wall by his belt?
A: Art
Q: What do you call his arms and legs?
A: Pieces of Art

Q: What do you call a guy water skiing with no arms and no legs?
A: Skip


Q: What do you call a guy who gets walked all over?
A: Matt

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who can’t say “Ah”?
A: Noah

Q: What do you call a guy who is all feet?
A: Archie

Q: What do you call a man who lives in a back street?
A: Ali

Q: What’s the name of a Scottish dentist?
A: Phil McCavity

Q: What do you call a man with a government subsidy?
A: Grant

Q: What do you call a French man in sandals?
A: Philippe Philoppe

Q: What do you call a guy who smells like fish?
A: Poor sole

Q: What do you call a guy in debt?
A: Owen

Q: What do you call a guy who makes joe-ks all the time?
A: Josh

Q: What do you call a guy who puts his right hand into the mouth of a giant white shark?
A: Lefty

Q: What do you call a guy on a picnic with six rabbits up his bumper?
A: Warren

Q: What do you call a guy who eats mustard all the time?
A: Frank

Q: What do you call a guy who hits a baseball over the fence?
A: Homer

Q: What do you call a guy who is a lookout for the Coast Guard?
A: Seymour

Q: What do you call a guy who smells like a cow?
A: Barney

Q: What do you call a guy who everyone hangs pictures on?
A: Wally

Q: What do you call a guy who’s been attacked by a lion?
A: Claude

Q: What do you call a guy who can’t light firecrackers?
A: Dudley

Q: What do you call a guy who is the most adventurous?
A: Darin

Q: What do you call a guy who likes all kinds of cars?
A: Otto

Q: What do you call a guy who likes to read road maps?
A: Miles

Q: What do you call a guy who likes to change oil in cars?
A: Derek

Q: What do you call a guy who likes to wear all types of hats?
A: Cap

Q: What do you call a guy who ties ribbons for a living?
A: Beau

Q: What do you call a guy who plants rice?
A: Paddy

Q: What do you call a guy who is accident prone?
A: Rex

Q: What do you call a guy who repairs wheels?
A: Axel

Q: What do you call a guy who loads trucks?
A: Van

Q: What do you call a guy who breaks dishes?
A: Chip

Q: What do you call a guy who cleans fireplaces for a living?
A: Cole

Q: What do you call a guy who is not crazy?
A: Norm

Q: What do you call a guy who likes to read books?
A: Red

Q: What do you call a guy who pretends to be blind and needs money?
A: Con

Q: What do you call a guy who does well in the stock market?
A: Rich

Q: What do you call a guy who like to ring doorbells?
A: Buzz

Q: What do you call a guy who grows vegetables?
A: Herb

Q: What do you call a guy who honks his car horn all the time?
A: Blaire

Q: What do you call a guy who breaks into houses?
A: Jimmy

Q: What do you call a guy who has a bullet-proof skull?
A: Helmut

Q: What do you call a guy who works at the police station front desk?
A: Booker

Q: What do you call a guy who fell ten floors from a building and landed on his head?
A: Spike

Q: What do you call a guy in a flower pot with no arms and no legs?
A: Pete

Q: What do you call a guy who delivers the mail?
A: Bill

Q: What do you call a guy in a meat grinder with no arms and no legs?
A: Chuck

Q: What do you call a guy who likes meat, potatoes, and vegetables?
A: Stu

Q: What do you call a guy who’s been hung up on the wall by his belt?
A: Art
Q: What do you call his arms and legs?
A: Pieces of Art

Q: What do you call a guy water skiing with no arms and no legs?
A: Skip

Q: What do you call a guy who bows down before the king?
A: Neil

Q: What do you call a guy who gets walked all over?
A: Matt

Q: What do you call a guy who falls asleep on your front porch?
A: Matt

Q: What do you call a guy who likes to hike a lot?
A: Walker

Q: What do you call a guy who is very sarcastic?
A: Kurt

Q: What do you call a guy who has been struck by lightning?
A: Rod

Q: What do you call two guys on your wall with no arms and no legs?
A: Kurt and Rod

Q: What do you call a non-swimmer who falls in the river?
A: Bob

Q: What do you call a guy who’s been dropped into the middle of the ocean?
A: Bob

Q: What do you call a guy whose head is shaped like a flower?
A: Bud

Q: What do you call a guy who makes diamond rings?
A: Jules

Q: What do you call a guy who votes things down all the time?
A: Vito

Q: What do you call a guy who makes loudspeakers?
A: Mike

Q: What do you call a guy who’s been mauled by a tiger?
A: Gord

Q: What do you call a guy who was out all night on the grass?
A: Dewey

Q: What do you call a guy who is a cattle thief?
A: Russell

Q: What do you call a guy in a pile of leaves with no arms and no legs?
A: Russell

Q: What do you call a guy who likes to see sunrises?
A: Don

Q: What do you call a guy with mucus in his throat?
A: Fleming

Q: What do you call a guy that hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A: Drummer

Q: What do you call a guy with a lighthouse on his head?
A: Cliff, as in: “Hi, my name’s Cliff - drop over some time!”

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs and covered in fur?
A: Harry

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who can’t say “Ah”?
A: Noah

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who brings home the most bacon?
A: Mohammed

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs, and is no hunchback?
A: Humphrey.

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a wall?
A: Stud

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs tightly packed into a box?
A: Phil

Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who uses all the space in his box?
A: Max

Q: What do you call a guy who recently lost a lot of weight?
A: Les

Q: What do you call a guy who makes the most money?
A: Bore-is

Q: What do you call a guy who loves cats?
A: Bartholo-meow

Q: What do you call a guy who grows in a garden?
A: Bud

Q: What do you call a guy who has pet sheep?
A: D-ewe-y

Q: What do you call a guy who loves pickles?
A: Dill-on

Q: What do you call an Indian who doesn’t laugh much?
A: Minnehaha


Q: What do you someone who studies hives?
A: A B-student

Q: What do you call someone whose name was once Lee?
A: Formerly

 

[PhysicsDad]

Why was Heisenberg's wife never happy?

When he had the position right, he didn't have the momentum!

(American Dad)

 

[lisab]

Hunger strikers eschew their food.

 

[Borg]

Hunger strikers eschew their food.

Gesundheit.

 

[jtbell]

Who here has an insufferable inner adolescent? I know I do !

If you have one, it will love this site.

http://maps.geotastic.org/rude/

It doesn't mention this place, which my wife and I passed on I-40 in Arkansas during our just-completed road trip out west:

 

[DennisN]

I just read an old post in this thread about Gizoogle which translates normal language into "hoodspeak". Very funny.

So I feeded the PF guidelines into it : (warning, if you have an aversion to foul language, don't click the link)

Rap Guidelines

Generally, up in tha forums our phat a**es do not allow tha following:

• Rap of theories dat step tha f*** up only on underground wizzy cribs, self-published books, etc.
• Challenges ta mainstream theories (relativity, tha Big Bang, etc.) dat go beyond current professionizzle rap
• Attempts ta promote or resuscitate theories dat done been discredited or superseded (e.g. Lorentz ether theory); dis do not exclude rap of dem theories up in a purely oldschool context
• Personal theories or speculations dat go beyond or counter ta generally-accepted science
• Mixin science n' religion, e.g. rockin religious doctrines up in support of scientistical arguments or vice versa.

Links ta wizzy cribs dat fall up in tha categories listed above is ghon be removed.

Physics Forums is not intended as a alternatizzle ta tha usual professionizzle venues fo' rap n' review of freshly smoked up ideas, e.g. underground contacts, conferences, n' peer review before publication. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy bi***h. If you gotz a freshly smoked up theory or idea, dis aint tha place ta look fo' feedback on it or help up in p****n dat s**t.

 

[Maurice7510]

two atoms walk are walking and one says "oh my god, i think i lost an electron!" to which the other replies "really? are you positive?

argon walks into a bar and the bartender tells him to leave. argon doesn't react.

a neutron walks into a bar and says "barkeep, how much for a scotch?". the bartender replies "for you, no charge"

what's brown and rhymes with snoop? dr dre

 

[OmCheeto]

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