Collection of Lame Jokes

[Char. Limit]

A repeat but worth it:

A Letter to the Men's Help Line:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night I hid in the shed behind the boat. About midnight she came home and got out of someone's car while buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

Don't worry, it can be welded.

 

[jtbell]

What does a snail say while riding a turtle?

"Whee!"

 

[dkotschessaa]

What does a snail say while riding a turtle?

"Whee!"

I love those kinda jokes.

 

[Lancelot59]

I moustache you a question. But I'll shave it for later.

 

[HeLiXe]

The difference between women and men, explained

OMG this was soooo good!

 

[Lancelot59]

I came across this earlier today:

[PLAIN]http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/demotivational-posters-seems-legit7.jpg

 

[BobG]

I came across this earlier today:

The funniest thing about that is the time I spent trying to figure out whether that was first base, second base, or third base. I had to look at it for a bit before I realized it was a mattress. It made a lot more sense, then.

 

[dkotschessaa]

The funniest thing about that is the time I spent trying to figure out whether that was first base, second base, or third base. I had to look at it for a bit before I realized it was a mattress. It made a lot more sense, then.

Well we used to call that a home run I believe...

 

[Lancelot59]

Well we used to call that a home run I believe...

Correct, although the definitions have changed a little. See Urban Dictionary.

 

[claire-maree]

what do you call a sick crocidile?
an illigator

 

[claire-maree]

I came across this earlier today:

[PLAIN]http://verydemotivational.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/demotivational-posters-seems-legit7.jpg[/QUOTE]

that is crazy

 

[claire-maree]

why do gorillias have big nostrils?

because they have big fingers.

 

[IMP]

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a great personality."

 

[IMP]

A woman, three months pregnant, falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakens and asks the nearest doctor about the fate of her baby.

"You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine," says the doctor. "Luckily, your brother named them for you."

"Oh no, not by brother! He's an idiot! What did he call the girl?"

"Denise," the doctor replies.

Thinking that isn't so bad, she asks, "And what did he call the boy?"

The doctor answers, "Denephew."

 

[Adyssa]

Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert for weeks. At death's door, they see a tree in the distance. As they get nearer, they see that it's draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon: smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving nearly-raw juicy bacon, all sorts of bacon.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first Mexican, "ees a bacon tree! We're saved!"

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree. As he gets to within five feet, he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.

His friend drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe! Pepe! Que pasa hombre?"

With his last breath Pepe calls out:
"Ugh, run, amigo, run, ees not a bacon tree... ... ees a ham bush!"

 

[Ivan Seeking]

My mother called me last week and was saying that with dad gone now, she needs a new purpose. With the understanding that this sort of smart*** response strikes at the core of her sense of humor, I sent her this. She loved it.

[PLAIN]http://blackberryavenuegiftshoppe.com/38996.jpg

 

[DaveC426913]

OK...

Two years ago, my hallowe'en costume consisted of a business suit - not one I wore, but one I carried on a hanger. The pants had the "legs" split and then re-sewn together into a single fat "fuselage". The jacket had a vertical slit in the back with a large hole between the shoulder blades.

When anyone asked me about my costume, I would look at it, shrug and say...

"I know it's not much. But it suits my porpoise."

 

[OmCheeto]

With the understanding that this sort of smart*** response strikes at the core of her sense of humor, I sent her this. She loved it.

Ditto the time I asked a friend what she wanted for Christmas, and told me she wanted "World Peace".

Oooookkkkkayyyyyy...

 

[gatztopher]

<deadpan>Get ready, we're about to arrive at the Ha family reunion.</deadpan>

Did you hear about Porky Pig's Spanish, philosophical cousin, Porque?

I was at the department store, thinking about shoplifting a sweater. My logic was why swipe the card again, when I could swipe the cardigan.

I'm so good at martial arts, I can punch with my foot. *kicks*

 

[McLaren Rulez]

Who's in for a game of rape?

No? That's the spirit!

 

[DaveC426913]

Who's in for a game of rape?

No? That's the spirit!

This is funny how?

 

[Isaacsname]

What's the worst thing a sadist can do to a masochist ?

..pretend to enjoy it...

 

[DaveC426913]

What's the worst thing a sadist can do to a masochist ?

..pretend to enjoy it...

Uhh. Corrected:


What's the worst thing a masochist can do to a sadist ?

..pretend to enjoy it...

 

[Isaacsname]

Uhh. Corrected:


What's the worst thing a masochist can do to a sadist ?

..pretend to enjoy it...

Yes, but the masochist derives pleasure from thinking about the sadist getting off.

...wait...

Ok, forget it.

Did you hear about the leper who was playing poker ?

He threw his hand in.

 

[IMP]

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire post. The man is still looking at his thumb.

 

[Isaacsname]

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire post. The man is still looking at his thumb.

I guess shortening my fingers won't help ?

 

[Char. Limit]

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than a man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire post. The man is still looking at his thumb.

...my god, that big huh?

*has huge thumbs*

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Which joint of the thumb do you use as a reference?

 

[WhoWee]

Which joint of the thumb do you use as a reference?

My thumb's been numb for about a week - NOW - I'm worried about it.

 

[Char. Limit]

Which joint of the thumb do you use as a reference?

I was going all the way from nail-tip to the second joint. Which I checked, and it's accurate... well, kinda. A little on the small side.

 

[IMP]

I was going all the way from nail-tip to the second joint. Which I checked, and it's accurate... well, kinda. A little on the small side.

Good idea, think I am going to grow out my thumb nail. Will measure in a month or two...

 

[Ken Natton]

I must give all due credit here to Eddie Izzard from whom this gem is stolen. I trust that this is sufficiently obscure a location to repeat it not to undermine his opportunity to continue to use it in his live show.


It is clear that Jesus was actually God’s seventh son….

1. A-sus
2. B-sus
3. C-sus
4. D-sus
5. E-sus
6. F-sus
7. G-sus

 

[QuarkCharmer]

Consult a physician for thumbs-ups lasting more than 4 hours...

 

[Jayshardzz]

im new... hope u guys lik tis

What the difference between a fly and a mosquito?


A: mosquito cn fly but fly cannt mosquito...

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

The meanings of film ratings.

G - The hero gets the girl.
R - The bad guy gets the girl.
X - Everybody gets the girl.