Collection of Lame Jokes

[Steve4Physics]

Patient: I have terrible wind doctor. It’s very uncomfortable. Fortunately it is odourless. And when I break-wind it is silent. In fact it’s happening now.

Doctor: Try this [writes prescription].

One week later…

Patient: That medicine for my wind was terrible doctor. I still have wind but now it smells absolutely dreadful.

Doctor: Ah, good. That’s your sense of smell sorted. Let’s see what we can do about the deafness.

 

[David Lewis]

A Piranha can devour a small child in 30 seconds!

Anyways, I lost my job at SeaWorld today...

 

[David Lewis]

An inebriated gentleman runs up to a policeman: “Officer, you got to help me. Somebody stole my car!”

“OK, sir, where did you have your car last?”

(Holding up ignition key) “Right here on the end of this key!”

“Alright,” smiled the cop, “Let’s go down to the station and report it. And before we go, please zip up your zipper.”

The drunk looks down and says, “Oh, my God. Somebody stole my girlfriend too.”

 

[David Lewis]

Running low on cash, I went into Mini Mart and said, "I'd like $5 on pump number one."
The clerk said, "Where are you going? Pump number two?"

 

[WWGD]

Vin Diesel or as I call him "biofuel" seems to have a look a like living in Thailand

View attachment 300634https://mothership.sg/2022/02/vin-diesel-lookalike-thailand/
I can't wait to see the "2 Fast & 2 Jinping - drifting in Beijing" edition

I hear there's a website that will help you find your doppelganger(s) if you input your pic.

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[nsaspook]

On the Russian front in Ukraine.


Raking the forests is next.

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

 

[artis]

Just watched a Ukrainian interview with a captured Russian officer of the lowest rank, 25 year old.
Among other things he says his column before crossing the border on 25th of February was at the border. It was getting dark outside. Some from the top of the column launched a drone for areal reconnaissance. Since the column was long some soldiers from the back didn't have their radios on. They saw some flickering lights in the sky and heard sound and shot down the drone after it had operated for roughly 10 minutes.

The Ukrainian interviewer starts to laugh mildly, another man in the back exclaims "glory to the second best army in the world!"

 

[artis]

This just in: Europe has updated it's Scandinavian map

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[nsaspook]

How bad are things today with food shortages and another Bitcoin crash?

Terrorists are now demanding that the ransoms of kidnapped Americans be paid in canned goods.

 

[David Lewis]

Daughter: “Mom, I gave birth to triplets. Isn’t that exciting? You know triplets are conceived only once in every 2 million times.”

Mother: “My heavens, Deborah, when did you have time to do housework?”

 

[WWGD]

 

[David Lewis]

If you get an email with the subject line "KNOCK KNOCK", don't open it.

It's a Jehovah's Witness working from home.

 

[fresh_42]

If you get an email with the subject line "KNOCK KNOCK", don't open it.

It's a Jehovah's Witness working from home.

I don't understand why they don't stop their marketing campaign. If I understood it correctly, then they can only offer a few thousand places in heaven. Not that I only haven't any chance, I also don't understand why they look for competition.

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

The more it changes, the more it remains the same:

 

[fresh_42]

There are 2 big problems in life:
1.) Coffee gets cold.
2.) Beer does not.

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[strangerep]

The more it changes, the more it remains the same:View attachment 301540

That bottom picture needs some lyrics...

"Oh baby I lurve... you... so.
Baby I need... you... now!
I CAN'T GO ON!"

 

[DennisN]

I don't understand why they don't stop their marketing campaign.

Because they work for a guy who needs money.

 

[DennisN]

 

[David Lewis]

The week I got my puppy, I caught a stomach bug
and stayed home from work one day. That afternoon,
my girlfriend called to check up on me.

"I'm OK," I said. "But guess who pooped in the dining room."

My girlfriend's response: "Who?"

 

[WWGD]

The week I got my puppy, I caught a stomach bug
and stayed home from work one day. That afternoon,
my girlfriend called to check up on me.

"I'm OK," I said. "But guess who pooped in the dining room."

My girlfriend's response: "Who?"

Your fault for letting the dog out. Who(you) let the dog out?

 

[DennisN]

These puns are so bad, I'm going to Haydn myself.

 

[jtbell]

How bad is inflation?

It's soooo bad that...

America's favorite TV game show is going to rename itself from "The Price Is Right" to "The Price Is WHAT?!"

 

[jtbell]

View attachment 301539

Hmmm... and some people say birds aren't real. Maybe those drones aren't just surveilling people, they're spraying viruses. And maybe they're operated not by the US government, but by Klingons.

 

[DrGreg]

America's favorite TV game show is going to rename itself from "The Price Is Right" to "The Price Is WHAT?!"

Or "The Price Was Right at the Time of Recording".

 

[fresh_42]

Hmmm... and some people say birds aren't real. Maybe those drones aren't just surveilling people, they're spraying viruses. And maybe they're operated not by the US government, but by Klingons.

They only operate birds of prey. And there is one confirmed sighting in the Golden Gate Park.