Collection of Lame Jokes

[gmax137]

You cannot bake a pie with an approximate amount of flour or sugar.

True, but the temperature and humidity in the kitchen, the size of the eggs, etc. all affect the "correct" proportions. And the specifics of your oven, your altitude, and so on affect how it bakes. So the recipes are approximate starting points only.

All that is not to say I disagree with the advantages of standardized units.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Orodruin]

True, but the temperature and humidity in the kitchen, the size of the eggs, etc. all affect the "correct" proportions. And the specifics of your oven, your altitude, and so on affect how it bakes. So the recipes are approximate starting points only.

All that is not to say I disagree with the advantages of standardized units.

 

[nsaspook]

A Spanish captain of a Navy ship in the 1800s was on Duty as they sailed a scout yells up to the Captain "I see 2 enemy ships on the horizon" The Captain yells out "Bring me my red shirt" his 1st mate asked "Why a red Shirt" The Captain responds "I wear a red Shirt because if I am wounded in battle the men won't see the blood and continue fighting" A week goes by and the Scout yells up to the Captain "I see 20 enemy ships on the horizon" The Captain looks around frantically and yells "BRING ME MY BROWN PANTS"

 

[nsaspook]

That is really helpful, except:

And then someone says: "But an imperial tablespoon is 17.758 ml ..."

You know ... third-grader stuff.

 

[nsaspook]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[davenn]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 347530

I read from a man, many years ago, who shot his computer. They arrested him but I understood him. Profanity isn't insanity, it is a necessity.

 

[fizzchem]

Magnetic hyperthermia by A. C. Fields

 

[berkeman]

 

[davenn]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[davenn]

 

[BillTre]

View attachment 347586

Convention time?
They need a Jurassic Park jeep!

 

[jtbell]

View attachment 340378

If a dog poops in the forest (or a vacant lot) where nobody can smell it, does it still stink?

A few months ago I showed you this sign when it was still new. It appears that since then, some dog has expressed an opinion about it.

 

[nsaspook]

 

[collinsmark]

View attachment 347518

 

[dwarde]

 

[nsaspook]

Soviet Joke:

Three men are sitting in a cell in (the KGB headquarters) Dzerzhinsky Square. The first asks the second why he has been imprisoned, who replies, "Because I criticized Karl Radek." The first man responds, "But I am here because I spoke out in favor of Radek!" They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him why he is in jail. He answers, "I'm Karl Radek."

 

[davenn]

Karl Radek

I had to google the name to find out who he was .... interesting history

 

[berkeman]

 

[berkeman]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[jack action]

 

[WWGD]

They've changed the recipe. Now Popeye's chicken is cooked in Olive oil.

 

[berkeman]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 347687

I think we can top it: "Umfahren ist das Gegenteil von umfahren!" (Um'fahren (driving around) is the opposite of 'umfahren (driving across)!)

 

[Orodruin]

I think we can top it: "Umfahren ist das Gegenteil von umfahren!" (Um'fahren (driving around) is the opposite of 'umfahren (driving across)!)

The so-called Majorana verb

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 347687

We drive in the Parkway.
We park in the Driveway.

 

[phinds]

We drive in the Parkway.
We park in the Driveway.

I'm getting old and there are SO many unanswered questions ... who let the dogs out ... where IS the beef ... why is "abbreviated" such a long word ... how do you get to Sesame Street ... how many lives does the coyote really have and why does he keep trying ... why doesn't Dora just use Google Maps ... why don't LED bulbs last as long as the package says ... why did all those pretty girls did not attack me when I used Hia Karate aftershave like what happened in the TV commercials ... why do people wrap brisket in foil and call it barbecue ... why are eggs packaged in flimsy paper/Styrofoam cartons while batteries are packaged in a plastic casing that even a pissed off Schwarzenegger couldn't open ... why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed ... why do we park in the driveway and drive on the parkway ... why do the early birds get the worm if good things come to he who waits ... why is lemonade made with artificial flavor while dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons ... why do paper towels always tell you what size they would be if they were some other size and why do they always tear anywhere BUT the perforation ... why do people hide cookies from their kids by putting them on top of the refrigerator yet leave household chemicals under the sink ... why do you have "to put your two cents in", but it's only " a penny for your thoughts" ... who gets the extra penny ... why do "The Alphabet Song" and "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune ... why did you just try to sing those two songs ... just what IS Victoria's big secret ... AND ... how come I look old and fat in the mirror when my self image is young and slim? The list goes on and on.

 

[berkeman]

 

[fresh_42]

The so-called Majorana verb

Almost. The emphasis is different. Similar to the question of whether neutrinos are Majorana.

 

[WWGD]

Almost. The emphasis is different. Similar to the question of whether neutrinos are Majorana.

What's with the military talk? Who's ana? Did she let the dogs out?

 

[berkeman]

Almost. The emphasis is different. Similar to the question of whether neutrinos are Majorana.

Rhut-rho...
(Runs and dives into the neutrino bomb shelter...)