Collection of Lame Jokes

[nuuskur]

Took me a second. Cher / Chair

 

[dextercioby]

 

[nuuskur]

 

[docnet]

 

[berkeman]

And for the cutest thing you'll see all day... Baby Olympics!

 

[phinds]

Some of Lewis Grizzard's better ones:

Yankees don't understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different.

for example:

In the south there's a difference between 'Naked' and 'Nekkid.' 'Naked' means you don't have any clothes on. 'Nekkid' means you don't have any clothes on and you're up to somethin'.

There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.

And my personal favorite, because I identify so strongly with it:

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.

 

[phinds]

I don't know WHAT the hell is going on here, but I still found it hilarious.

 

[docnet]

 

[WWGD]

I ran into a dyslexic extraterrestrial: "Take me to your dealer". Or was it just an addict?

 

[jtbell]

Extraterrestrial mouse: "Take me to your Liederkranz!"

 

[gmax137]

Extraterrestrial mouse: "Take me to your Liederkranz!"

Oh thanks, now I have another cheese to look for, lol.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[WWGD]

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

 

[Orodruin]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 347413

$\mathrm{sheep\rightarrow oveja}$

(Translated sheep.)

 

[DrGreg]

$\mathrm{sheep\rightarrow oveja}$

(Translated sheep.)

$\mathrm{37\,sheep\rightarrow 40\,sheep}$

(Rounded-up sheep.)

 

[gmax137]

$\mathrm{Z Z Z Z z z z z z...\rightarrow counted\,sheep}$

 

[Ibix]

Sheep $\rightarrow$ dǝǝɥS

(Rotated sheep.)

 

[Ibix]

What do you get if you cross a lizard with a sheep?

Scaled sheep.

 

[BillTre]

D'Arcy Thompson (1860-1948) was famous for these kinds of distortions as a way to interpret animal forms:

 

[dwarde]

 

[Orodruin]

A sheep you buy for €1: Cheap sheep.

 

[WWGD]

Exhibit by Paul Serat has just opened, titled :
" Que Seurat, Seurat, whatever will be, will be".

 

[phinds]

 

[Borg]

Why can't Americans switch from pounds to kilograms?
Because there would be mass confusion.

 

[fresh_42]

Why can't Americans switch from pounds to kilograms?
Because there would be mass confusion.

The real problem starts when you try to follow baking recipes and have no idea how big their cups and teaspoons are.

 

[Borg]

What kind of vehicle has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.

 

[gmax137]

The real problem starts when you try to follow baking recipes and have no idea how big their cups and teaspoons are.

A teaspoon is eight dashes. A cup is 48 teaspoons (16 tablespoons). We learned all this in third grade.

 

[Borg]

I saw a new exhibit at the museum today.

 

[phinds]

A teaspoon is eight dashes. A cup is 48 teaspoons (16 tablespoons). We learned all this in third grade.

And then promptly forgot it.

 

[gmax137]

And then promptly forgot it.

I remember asking my 3rd grade teacher, "Miss McKinney, do we really need to know all this stuff?" She replied, "oh yes, in about 60 years some guy in Germany is going to ask you, on the tiny computer you hold in your hand..."

 

[fresh_42]

I remember asking my 3rd grade teacher, "Miss McKinney, do we really need to know all this stuff?" She replied, "oh yes, in about 60 years some guy in Germany is going to ask you, on the tiny computer you hold in your hand..."

 

[DaveC426913]

"Welcome, ladies, to class 1 of 'Upping your Sexy Game'. Let's start off with a few simple exercises. Give me your best 'Come hither' look. Good. Now bite your lip sexily."

: horror and alarm :

"Good, uh, good. Now let's try that again, but this time bite your lower lip."

 

[jack action]

A teaspoon is eight dashes. A cup is 48 teaspoons (16 tablespoons). We learned all this in third grade.

That is really helpful, except:

The unit of measurement varies by region: a United States liquid tablespoon is approximately 14.8 ml (0.50 US fl oz), a European, United Kingdom and Canadian tablespoon is exactly 15 ml (0.51 US fl oz), and an Australian tablespoon is 20 ml (0.68 US fl oz [ or 4 teaspoons ] ).

And then someone says: "But an imperial tablespoon is 17.758 ml ..."

You know ... third-grader stuff.

 

[fresh_42]

That is really helpful, except:

And then someone says: "But an imperial tablespoon is 17.758 ml ..."

You know ... third-grader stuff.

Someone gave me a link to a website that converts these things into grams and milliliters. I regularly fall into despair when I read these cups and spoons where it's all about exact measures. You cannot bake a pie with an approximate amount of flour or sugar. Too bad that I have no idea where I saved that link. Guess, I will further stick to ready-made mixes for my pancakes.