Saying 'I Love You': What's the Best Way?

[Kurdt]

I must say I am partial to gherkins but wrt the original post I must concur with the go with whatever you feel is best line as voiced by many people.

 

[rocketboy]

wow incredible how off-topic this has gotten.

 

[arildno]

wow incredible how off-topic this has gotten.

Don't you like pickles?

 

[Lisa!]

she asked, 'have you said I love you yet? it'll make her really happy'
.

see rule #1

 

[rocketboy]

Don't you like pickles?

lol, actually i don't. but hamburgers still taste good without them.edit: I'm guessing i completely missed a PF inside joke there?

 

[Pengwuino]

I hate pickles. I had an awesome cheeseburger last night though and they tried to dump some pickles on me and i was like "dream on sucka".

 

[Evo]

edit: I'm guessing i completely missed a PF inside joke there?

Yes, we've had several discussions about pickles. Also, I LOVE pickles and Arildno's mom makes her own pickles, from how Arildno describes them, I'm just dying to taste one.

Oh, and to stay on topic, "I love you rocketboy".

 

[Pengwuino]

Oh, and to stay on topic, "I love you rocketboy".

Cheating on me

 

[Evo]

I hate pickles. I had an awesome cheeseburger last night though and they tried to dump some pickles on me and i was like "dream on sucka".

Hardees puts SWEET pickles on their $6 burger. That's sacrilege. Not to mention gross, disgusting and WRONG.

 

[Evo]

Cheating on me

I'm polyamorous.

But I love you more.

 

[Lisa!]

But I love you more.

More than what? Penguins?

 

[rocketboy]

Yes, we've had several discussions about pickles. Also, I LOVE pickles and Arildno's mom makes her own pickles, from how Arildno describes them, I'm just dying to taste one.

Oh, and to stay on topic, "I love you rocketboy".

Wow, and it wasn't even an intimate moment...

PhysicsIsPhun I have found your teacher!

 

[Kalimaa23]

On a related note, I've noticed that the whole "I love you thing" is very strongly bound by cultural factors. It's seems to be a bigger deal in the US than in most of continental Europe. The question I have now for you people, is the following : how do you people feel about the phrase in a friendly (i.e. non-romantic) context?

I have a couple of good friends who happen to be of the female persuasion. From time to time I let them know that I love them, because I do as a friend, and they do the same. My impression is that this is a big nono in the Anglo-Saxon world. Is this correct?

 

[Astronuc]

On a related note, I've noticed that the whole "I love you thing" is very strongly bound by cultural factors. It's seems to be a bigger deal in the US than in most of continental Europe. The question I have now for you people, is the following : how do you people feel about the phrase in a friendly (i.e. non-romantic) context?

It's fine in the platonic or fraternal context.

I have a couple of good friends who happen to be of the female persuasion. From time to time I let them know that I love them, because I do as a friend, and they do the same. My impression is that this is a big nono in the Anglo-Saxon world. Is this correct?

Again it depends on the context. I say "I love you" to my wife, but that has a completely different meaning that if I use with a close friend or family member. I might just say "Love You" with a close friend or family member - and that simply indicates a great deal of affection in the context of that particular relationship.

I think there are many people in Anglo-Saxon culture, who do have problems with expressing affection, possibly due to a sense of fear or insecurity. I've seen parents who have had trouble showing affection to their children, which to me is strange.

 

[Evo]

On a related note, I've noticed that the whole "I love you thing" is very strongly bound by cultural factors. It's seems to be a bigger deal in the US than in most of continental Europe. The question I have now for you people, is the following : how do you people feel about the phrase in a friendly (i.e. non-romantic) context?

I have a couple of good friends who happen to be of the female persuasion. From time to time I let them know that I love them, because I do as a friend, and they do the same. My impression is that this is a big nono in the Anglo-Saxon world. Is this correct?

It is normal for me to tell a friend that I feel affection for (platonic) that I love them.

Here some people are afraid that if you tell someone that you love them, it's some form of life long obligation.

To me there is a difference between saying "I love you" (platonic) and I am in love with you" (romantic).

 

[Physics is Phun]

that was a good two pages about pickles
ANYWAYS
That was, quite possibly, the stupidest thing I've ever done.
I don't know what made me think it would be a good idea.
So i was dropping her off at her house. We kissed goodnight and then I told her...
now, about an hour earlier we were still at my house. we were making out in my basement and she stopped and told me she didn't want to take things fast, and she was scared that I was just going to hurt her like the last guy. I told her that's never going to happen, and that I'm not in any hurry to do anything anyways. I took her home.
So, for some reason I thought telling her would help in my showing that I cared about her and that I was serious and would never cheat on her.
BUT, I'm pretty sure she took that as a sign of me trying to speed things up, and right after we talked about taking things slowly.
I told her and she said "oh (insert name), you don't know that yet." and then kissed me again. I said I DID know that (which I do) and I've know her long enough to be sure. she said "thanks" and left.

you know what I hate? how for 7 months that we've been best friends together means apparently nothing because now we're in "a relationship". that really pisses me off. and how can she think I would ever cheat on her? I haven't even been with her for the last 7 months and I didn't want to be with anyone else!

Now I don't know what to do to make it better. we talked for a few minutes on msn this moring. I'm not bringing it up on msn, but i'll have to talk to her on the phone about it, cause I won't see her again for a couple weeks (i'm in school). She seemed fine this morning. there was an apparent lack of *hearts* being sent. (i would dare her to do that now!) I hope i haven't messed anything up. I just don't understand what she's afraid of though. I've never done anything to make her not trust me. and it hurts me that she would say that she's afraid I'm going to hurt her.

 

[Evo]

Sorry to hear about what happened, that's really weird because she seemed to be hinting at it pretty strongly. Sounds like she has some issues, just back off and wait things out.

 

[Physics is Phun]

yesterday on msn she actually said "I LOVE YOU" (capital letters) because i suggested we go to this restaurant that she really had a craving for at the time.
WTF! :!)

 

[Astronuc]

I told her and she said "oh (insert name), you don't know that yet." and then kissed me again. I said I DID know that (which I do) and I've know her long enough to be sure. she said "thanks" and left.

then

yesterday on msn she actually said "I LOVE YOU" (capital letters) because i suggested we go to this restaurant that she really had a craving for at the time.
WTF! :!)

She needed time to process what you were saying. You put yourself in an awkward position, but dropping her off and not giving yourself time to explain. On the other hand, once she heard "I LOVE YOU", then I don't think she would have been receptive to an explanation.

you know what I hate? how for 7 months that we've been best friends together means apparently nothing because now we're in "a relationship". that really pisses me off. and how can she think I would ever cheat on her?

History - hers - not yours.

I haven't even been with her for the last 7 months and I didn't want to be with anyone else!

Communication and Honesty the keys to meaningful, fulfilling and successful relationships. Of course, Communication and Honesty don't guarantee that a particular relationship will succeed, but without either, a relationship is guaranteed to fail.

 

[Physics is Phun]

then
She needed time to process what you were saying. You put yourself in an awkward position, but dropping her off and not giving yourself time to explain. On the other hand, once she heard "I LOVE YOU", then I don't think she would have been receptive to an explanation.
History - hers - not yours.
Communication and Honesty the keys to meaningful, fulfilling and successful relationships. Of course, Communication and Honesty don't guarantee that a particular relationship will succeed, but without either, a relationship is guaranteed to fail.

she said "I LOVE YOU" to me yesterday afternoon, before i told her last night...I'm not quite sure if you interpreted that right...i think so though. To be honest, I didn't think i'd need to have an explanation, i sure got that wrong.

how can she say it to me all the time, but be so unreceptive and surprised when I tell her? I'm just so confused.

 

[Astronuc]

how can she say it to me all the time, but be so unreceptive and surprised when I tell her?

She could have issues as Evo mentioned.

When she says it she knows what she means, even though you may not.

When you say, you know what you mean, but she doesn't - on the other hand, she may interpret the meaning differently.

I'm just so confused.

Yeah - most people seem to be about this subject.

Male-female relationships are not rocket science - rocket science is way more easy!

 

[Physics is Phun]

on the other hand, she may interpret the meaning differently.

apparently that's the case. either that or she can love me but I can't love her...or maybe it's the other way around. Either way that doesn't make much sense.

 

[MeJennifer]

for some reason I thought telling her would help in my showing that I cared about her and that I was serious and would never cheat on her.

Well perhaps that is the issue!

If you care for her and are serious, I assume that means that you intent to marry her sometime in the future, then just tell her that.

Caring for someone and loving someone are two entirely different things.
Loving someone has to do with your feelings not about your behavior towards her.

In my opinion love is not an argument for a relationship.

To me there is a difference between saying "I love you" (platonic) and I am in love with you" (romantic).

I second that.

In my opinion being "in love" is about the worst argument for a relationship.

Arguments for a relationship are trust, caring, compatibility, comittment, mutual interests etc.

Anyway that's just how I see it,

 

[Physics is Phun]

Arguments for a relationship are trust, caring, compatibility, comittment, mutual interests etc

Well we already have that from our friendship. And I wanted her to know that I also loved her.
Apparently that was a mistake.
I don't know what to do now. How do I fix it? can I take it back? I don't want to, but if that will make it better I will!

 

[rocketboy]

Male-female relationships are not rocket science - rocket science is way more easy!

THANK GOD!

 

[rocketboy]

Well we already have that from our friendship. And I wanted her to know that I also loved her.
Apparently that was a mistake.
I don't know what to do now. How do I fix it? can I take it back? I don't want to, but if that will make it better I will!

I don't think you want to take it back. That would basically say to her that you didn't mean it (I know you DID mean it, so you don't want to send her the message that you didn't).

I think communication is very important, and in hindsight I think it was what my last relationship lacked and why it didn't work out in the end. I think you need to make sure she knows how you feel and vice-versa. It sounds to me (correct me if I'm wrong) that you two feel comfortable talking to each other about mature topics, having done so in the past. Rather than trying to take back what you have said, try to explain to her what you meant, explain to her how you feel.

What do you think Astronuc?

(PS: in addition to "Engineering Guru" Astronuc should definitely have a "Relationship Guru" banner!)

 

[Physics is Phun]

PS: in addition to "Engineering Guru" Astronuc should definitely have a "Relationship Guru" banner

agreed
yeah, i guess the worst thing would be to ignore it and not say anything. i'll talk to her tonight.

 

[MeJennifer]

Well we already have that from our friendship. And I wanted her to know that I also loved her.
Apparently that was a mistake.
I don't know what to do now. How do I fix it? can I take it back? I don't want to, but if that will make it better I will!

Well what are you plans with this lady?
Do you think you could marry her in some future time or do want to have a temporary relationship with her?
And the same question ought to be asked to her!

What do both of you want from this relationship?

 

[Astronuc]

Caring for someone and loving someone are two entirely different things.

I would disagree with this statement. Of course, love can be used euphemistically to mean "being in love".

Loving someone has to do with your feelings . . .

Well relationships have a lot to do with feelings. Being human is all about FEELINGS!

(PS: in addition to "Engineering Guru" Astronuc should definitely have a "Relationship Guru" banner!)

Thank you the compliment, but let's not go overboard.

I know what works and has worked for me, and I have observed and studied many people, male and female, and their relationships.

See entry #14 in my journal.

 

[Astronuc]

I think communication is very important, and in hindsight I think it was what my last relationship lacked and why it didn't work out in the end. I think you need to make sure she knows how you feel and vice-versa. It sounds to me (correct me if I'm wrong) that you two feel comfortable talking to each other about mature topics, having done so in the past. Rather than trying to take back what you have said, try to explain to her what you meant, explain to her how you feel.

What do you think Astronuc?

I'd agree with rocketboy's assessment. We can make him a relationship-Guru in training.

Seriously - communication is important in a relationship. One should not try to 'guess' what is in the other's mind, and one should not leave the other to guess what is one's mind.

Each partner in a relationship needs to be sure how the other feels, and just as importantly one needs to be sure how oneself feels.

Everyone has needs and wants, and ideally in a relationship between two intimate partners, there is give and take. Each tries to reciprocally meet the other's wants and needs.

And as rocketboy mentioned, "rather than trying to take back what you have said, try to explain to her what you meant, explain to her how you feel."

 

[MeJennifer]

I would disagree with this statement. Of course, love can be used euphemistically to mean "being in love".

Then feel free to demonstrate what is similar between loving someone and caring for someone.
Love is a feeling not a behavior, caring is a behavior and not a feeling.

For instance one can make a promise to care for someone for the rest of his life, but to promise to love someone is simply impossible, one cannot control one's feelings. To say you love someone because that is what you promised is simply being disingenuous.

I fail to see the relevance with bringing up "being in love" here.

 

[Astronuc]

For instance one can make a promise to care for someone for the rest of his life, but to promise to love someone is simply impossible, one cannot control one's feelings.

To promise to love someone in not impossible in my case - that's just the way I am. I will always love my parents, my siblings, my wife, my kids, my grandparents (when they were alive - and now I have fond memories), many friends, the animals who live with me, . . . . I don't stop loving or caring about someone.

In my case, when I say "I love you", that is a declaration in which lies a commitment - and in my case a permanent commitment of care and concern, amongst other things.

BTW - I do have a fair amount of control over my feelings.

To say you love someone because that is what you promised is simply being disingenuous.

Yes, to make an empty promise is being disingenuous.

I fail to see the relevance with bringing up "being in love" here.

Because some folks use "loving someone" and "being in love with someone" interchangeably - hence the confusion for a lot of folks.

 

[MeJennifer]

To promise to love someone in not impossible in my case - that's just the way I am. I will always love my parents, my siblings, my wife, my kids, my grandparents (when they were alive - and now I have fond memories), many friends, the animals who live with me, . . . . I don't stop loving or caring about someone.

In my case, when I say "I love you", that is a declaration in which lies a commitment - and in my case a permanent commitment of care and concern, amongst other things.

BTW - I do have a fair amount of control over my feelings.

Well I think you live in a dreamworld.

Yes, to make an empty promise is being disingenuous.

Making a promise that you really have no control over is disingenuous.

One can at most suppress one's feelings but to create a feeling that is not there in the first place is simply tricking yourself.

Anyway we are digressing, feel free to open a new topic on this if you like.

 

[Astronuc]

Well I think you live in a dreamworld.

Nope. Same reality as you and everyone else.

I've just been around a long time.

 

[Physics is Phun]

damn. i didn't get a chance to talk to her cause she' having her girlfriends over all night...she's going to tell them all how much of an idiot I made of myself. I know it. And they're all going to the beach tomorrow but I can't go cause of school
Everything's falling apart all of a sudden!