Saying 'I Love You': What's the Best Way?

[FrogPad]

damn. i didn't get a chance to talk to her cause she' having her girlfriends over all night...she's going to tell them all how much of an idiot I made of myself. I know it. And they're all going to the beach tomorrow but I can't go cause of school
Everything's falling apart all of a sudden!

You have no idea what they are going to say. If you are going to imagine things, why don't you imagine positive things like, she is going to tell all her friends how awesome you are.

Just back off a little bit on the I love you thing. Stop making such a big deal about it, and worrying so much. You told her. She knows. When she is ready to hear it, you will know. Right now she might have some connection with "I love you" and being hurt... but really it's just a guess. I don't know this girl.

Just show her that you love her through actions. Drop the words for a bit. If she asks, then tell her that, yeah you do... and there is nothing she can do about it, or something lame like that. For now just chill out on it, and be cool to her, but instead of worrying about stuff like this... why don't you worry about where the next coolest place is that you can make out with her. Or the next trendiest place you can take her to dinner. Or how you are going to surprise her next. I mean if you have to worry, worry about something productive.

Girls like confidence.

 

[Pengwuino]

damn. i didn't get a chance to talk to her cause she' having her girlfriends over all night...she's going to tell them all how much of an idiot I made of myself. I know it. And they're all going to the beach tomorrow but I can't go cause of school
Everything's falling apart all of a sudden!

What are you, on drugs? If you really think she's going to do that, why are you with her? Dump her if you actually think she's going to do that.

 

[Astronuc]

damn. i didn't get a chance to talk to her cause she' having her girlfriends over all night...she's going to tell them all how much of an idiot I made of myself. I know it. And they're all going to the beach tomorrow but I can't go cause of school
Everything's falling apart all of a sudden!

Taking a line from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, "Don't Panic!"

As FrogPad mentioned you don't know what your gf will talk about - and No - you don't know it!

Relax!

You need to be comfortable with the fact the your gf can go out and have a good time with her girlfriends - just like you'd hang out with your friends.

When you see her again, ask how it went at the beach.

Pengwuino has a point - "If you really think she's going to do that, why are you with her?" On the other hand, I wouldn't go as far as dumping her, but Pengwuino's heart is in the right place.

In the initial stages of relationships, timing is fairly important. The problem is that one cannot know in advance as to the when.

 

[shmoe]

damn. i didn't get a chance to talk to her cause she' having her girlfriends over all night...she's going to tell them all how much of an idiot I made of myself. I know it. And they're all going to the beach tomorrow but I can't go cause of school
Everything's falling apart all of a sudden!

not only do you not what they're going to say, but there's nothing you can do about it, so why stress over things you can't control?

actually that's not true, you could cut school and show up at the beach dressed in a diaper, a curly blonde wig, wee-wings and a little cupid bow. They would be talking about something other than you saying "I love you".

 

[Astronuc]

actually that's not true, you could cut school and show up at the beach dressed in a diaper, a curly blonde wig, wee-wings and a little cupid bow. They would be talking about something other than you saying "I love you".

That's a beaut. That would certainly give the ladies something to talk about.

Good point - "there's nothing one can do about it" - so don't worry - be happy.

 

[Kurdt]

Also paranoia I would say is the greatest cause of relationship break down. You obviously like this girl but don't obsess about what she's doing all the time otherwise there maybe nothing to obsess over but memories.

 

[Physics is Phun]

her friends (my friends too) didn't think that it was a good idea for us to date in the first place. I hope they don't try and talk her into breaking up with me.
I just wish I could go see her, but I'm at school and have no car, and can't really spend much time on anything other than studying for the next 3 weeks!

maybe you're right though astro, it's probably not the end of the world. I just wish I could talk to her in person.

 

[Kurdt]

Yeah just enjoy it if you spend all the time worrying you'll miss all the good things. Take advice from those whove had to learn the hard way. I know its hard controlling your feelings especially when they're as strong as I imagine you're feeling now but it'll be worth it.

Good luck man anyway.

 

[Pengwuino]

Did you forget to punch her in the gut before saying it?

 

[Astronuc]

her friends (my friends too) didn't think that it was a good idea for us to date in the first place. I hope they don't try and talk her into breaking up with me.

That was a concern that some mutual friend had about my wife and me. We've been together for almost 26 years now this summer, and we've outlasted most of our friends relationships and marriages.

I just wish I could go see her, but I'm at school and have no car, and can't really spend much time on anything other than studying for the next 3 weeks!

maybe you're right though astro, it's probably not the end of the world. I just wish I could talk to her in person.

In the meantime, try writing down your feelings and what you would like to tell her. It would be a good way to sort out your thoughts. Or you could write a 'love letter', which is what I used to do.

Is there any chance she would call you? Since you're away at school, I would presume she knew you'd be away. I would presume you phone, IM, or email each other?

 

[Moonbear]

Oh dear, this is already on page 6, and I haven't read past the first page. So, at risk of being completely redundant, because I have no idea what everyone has already suggested, or if the discussion is even on the same topic: if you mean it, say it anytime, anywhere, anyway that you want. It will always be received well and appreciated. If you don't mean it, don't say it, no matter how much you're pushed to do so. It shouldn't be a difficult decision or require any thought at all. Besides, if you really mean it, everyone around you probably already knows just from your actions alone. If the thought crosses your mind, just say it. It's one of the few things you can just blurt out any time it crosses your mind and nobody will object to you saying it (well, unless you're saying it to some other guy's girlfriend ).

 

[Evo]

Oh dear, this is already on page 6, and I haven't read past the first page. So, at risk of being completely redundant, because I have no idea what everyone has already suggested, or if the discussion is even on the same topic: if you mean it, say it anytime, anywhere, anyway that you want. It will always be received well and appreciated. If you don't mean it, don't say it, no matter how much you're pushed to do so. It shouldn't be a difficult decision or require any thought at all. Besides, if you really mean it, everyone around you probably already knows just from your actions alone. If the thought crosses your mind, just say it. It's one of the few things you can just blurt out any time it crosses your mind and nobody will object to you saying it (well, unless you're saying it to some other guy's girlfriend ).

He said it to her and she freaked out. Beter go back a few posts.

 

[Physics is Phun]

thanks for the encouragement astronuc.
yes, we talk on the phone every night, we only didn't last night cause she had her girls over. I'm now waiting for her to get home from beach/wherever after the beach.
you're right, i should right things down, or I'm bound to forget.

 

[Moonbear]

He said it to her and she freaked out. Beter go back a few posts.

Uh oh! I'll have to go back and read. Sound pretty weird for someone to freak out over that.

 

[Pengwuino]

Uh oh! I'll have to go back and read. Sound pretty weird for someone to freak out over that.

Yah, I am not sure whos the biggest ewirdo in this relationship

 

[Moonbear]

Okay, I'm confused as heck. I read back to the post where he told her he loves her, and I don't see how that's freaking out. She just said, "You don't mean that." (Or something similar) Now, I don't know what tone she used, but she could have simply been concerned she had pushed him to say it. The response, "Yes, I do," seemed appropriate. And the timing sure sounded right to me...reassuring her that you're not pushing for sex and love her either way.

If she really did freak out about it, you two are too young for her to have "baggage", so if she already is dragging in old issues from past relationships, and she can't just accept that you love her, then blech, keep looking. You should be able to tell the person you love that you love them without them getting upset about it.

 

[Pengwuino]

Yah what a stupid relationship. You make out, she tells you she loves you, and freaks out when you say it in return? Psycho.

It's only going to get worse

See what you women do to guys?

If you end up breaking up with this weirdo, tell your friends this and they'll laugh at her. What kind of weirdo did you get caught up with. Just act like you're better then her and act like she's a freak. It's a rather unfriendly thing to do but since you're so insecure, it's best to try to come out with everyone else thinking she was the weirdo/idiot instead of you.

 

[rocketboy]

Yah what a stupid relationship. You make out, she tells you she loves you, and freaks out when you say it in return? Psycho.

It's only going to get worse

See what you women do to guys?

If you end up breaking up with this weirdo, tell your friends this and they'll laugh at her. What kind of weirdo did you get caught up with. Just act like you're better then her and act like she's a freak. It's a rather unfriendly thing to do but since you're so insecure, it's best to try to come out with everyone else thinking she was the weirdo/idiot instead of you.

wow that was unnecessarily harsh.

i agree with the "see what you women do to guys?" part though.

 

[Pengwuino]

Well what's this girls problem? Poor guy, he's stuck with a psycho.

 

[FrogPad]

Yah what a stupid relationship. You make out, she tells you she loves you, and freaks out when you say it in return? Psycho.

It's only going to get worse

See what you women do to guys?

If you end up breaking up with this weirdo, tell your friends this and they'll laugh at her. What kind of weirdo did you get caught up with. Just act like you're better then her and act like she's a freak. It's a rather unfriendly thing to do but since you're so insecure, it's best to try to come out with everyone else thinking she was the weirdo/idiot instead of you.

It was very necessary, and very funny

 

[rocketboy]

Alright Phun, here's my advice and I suggest you take it because I've been in similar situations, and I think I've learned from my mistakes.

I always overreacted and over-thought things when really they weren't negative, and then they turned out that way because of it. Wait, that doesn't make much sense now that I re-read it.

What I'm trying to say is think positive. Be confident. Don't stress yourself out by thinking "what if..." and "she's probably doing this...". It will only put you down and make you even more worried/depressed. It will just keep building up, and you will get yourself deeper and deeper into your own assumptions until you begin to believe them to be true. I know this because that is what I did, and it ended badly because of it.

Give her space, don't worry about it, don't dwell on it, and MOST IMPORTANTLY DO NOT CREATE THE STORY BEFORE YOU KNOW IT FOR YOURSELF! In other words, don't convince yourself anything that you are assuming, because this is what I did, I convinced myself negative things (I won't get into it) and because of it the outcome was negative.

Sorry for my horrible explanation I'm extremely tired right now (long day) and aren't really able to put clear sentences together.

Remember: THINK POSITIVE!

 

[Pengwuino]

That's a load, don't think positive, think clearly. It's better to walk away from a shaky relationship then fully convince yourself that it's all in your head. This happens with girls more often but it happens to guys as well: you'll be dealing with a screwball (or someone whos cheating on you, lying, etc etc) but you'll focus solely on a couple of positive things, put her on a pedastel, and ignore every wrong thing she does. You'll excuse yourself by saying things like "well... maybe I am over-reacting" or "well... maybe she's having a bad day" or "well... its ok because she's still *insert one of the few good features*". Unfortunately, as these excuses pile up, instead of realizing "whoa, there have been a looooooot of bad days...", you'll most likely make it a permanent thought process and continually excuse it.

Just confront her about it. Hell if this is a relationship, you're suppose to be able to talk to each other and she's suppose to care about how you feel. If she doesn't, give it up, run. She's either psychotic or you both are too young to be dating.

 

[Moonbear]

In other words, don't convince yourself anything that you are assuming, because this is what I did, I convinced myself negative things (I won't get into it) and because of it the outcome was negative.

Or maybe you thought those negative things because your gut knew what your heart didn't want to believe, and there was nothing you could have done to prevent a bad ending. It's not worth beating yourself up about it after-the-fact either.

But, either way, yeah, it's really not worth stressing out over these things. Either she really is a wacko, and he's best off just forgetting about her, or he's completely misinterpreting things. Either way, not obsessing about her reaction to his words is the only sane tactic.

I'm still trying to figure out who sold everyone on the myth that good relationships need a lot of work. You can't neglect them, that's for sure, but they shouldn't feel like a chore. If it seems like it's just too much effort to please your partner, then it's time to find a new partner.

 

[Pengwuino]

No I am sorry, if a girl tells you she loves you and then freaks out when you say it in return... you have a problem on your hands. If she was really concerned and had 'baggage', she wouldn't say it first. For one, you have problems if you think the "right response" to you saying "i love you to someone" is anything else then "i love you too".

And yes, he is insecure if he's scared his "girlfriend" is going to run to her friends and laugh at him about how much of an "idiot" he is.

 

[Moonbear]

How much past should someone their age have? He's not 35 or 45 and dating divorced women who have been in abusive relationships. If she's already hanging onto past issues from ex-boyfriends at their age, she needs to not be in any relationship at all until she gets her head screwed on straight.

 

[Cyrus]

I love you.

 

[Moonbear]

I love you.

Aww...I love you too.

 

[Pengwuino]

I'm still trying to figure out who sold everyone on the myth that good relationships need a lot of work. You can't neglect them, that's for sure, but they shouldn't feel like a chore. If it seems like it's just too much effort to please your partner, then it's time to find a new partner.

Yah I am sorry, the only reason people make it hard is because they think its some sort of game. Someone has to win, it's a competition, there are set rules on how things are done. Then it self-perpetuates. You make it a competition with your girlfriend, you have a friend who has his first girl and you go tell him "ok you got to win by making her feel bad" (although its not normally said in those exact words, more along the lines of 'don't call her yet, let her call you if she wants to talk').

If you love someone, you don't ask other people for help on how to fix your relationship with your girl. You ask her. Big secret, don't tell anyone.

 

[Pengwuino]

Aww...I love you too.

He was obviously talking to me

Im not gay cyrus, go away.

 

[Physics is Phun]

wow, so much advice.
I don't think I'm going to dump her because she didn't say it back, that seems a bit extreme.
I'm planning on telling her that, I'm sorry if I upset you by telling you, it wasn't the right time, I just don't want you to feel that you have to be afraid of me or worry about me ever hurting you. we've been good friends for a long time now, and being in a relationship isn't going to change that.

I should probably say something about taking thing at her pace too, i reckon.

 

[Pengwuino]

I'd also like to add that my whole philosophy works when you've known the girl more then 6 months and instead of jumping into the relationship, it comes naturally. Just had to add that incase this wasn't the case here.

 

[Cyrus]

Aww...I love you too.

I know, I love me too!

 

[Cyrus]

He was obviously talking to me

Im not gay cyrus, go away.

Did somebody hear a noise? Shrug, I guess it was just the wind...

 

[Pengwuino]

wow, so much advice.
I don't think I'm going to dump her because she didn't say it back, that seems a bit extreme.
I'm planning on telling her that, I'm sorry if I upset you by telling you, it wasn't the right time, I just don't want you to feel that you have to be afraid of me or worry about me ever hurting you. we've been good friends for a long time now, and being in a relationship isn't going to change that.

Don't do that. That's insane. Ask her why she freaked out first and foremost. Remember, SHE did the unconventional thing, not you. She should have FULLY expected you to say that in return. Don't come off like a jerk though, just politely ask. You CARE about her, so ask her why because you want to know, not because you demand to know.

 

[Pengwuino]

Did somebody hear a noise? Shrug, I guess it was just the wind...

Coca cola...