Saying 'I Love You': What's the Best Way?

[Physics is Phun]

i don't want to start blaming her! what am I going to do? ask her why she didn't say it back?...I think I know the obvious answer...

 

[Moonbear]

If you love someone, you don't ask other people for help on how to fix your relationship with your girl. You ask her. Big secret, don't tell anyone.

That's how I can always tell when my friends have met "the one." You no longer hear every sordid detail of their relationship...it's not about bragging to friends, but about carign about each other. When they really love each other and have a good relationship, they settle things on their own because they can talk to each other about anything. It's one thing to need advice on how to meet someone, or how to ask someone out, because you don't know them yet and want suggestions of how to make a good first impression. But, once you're in a relationship, if you start needing to seek outside advice, there's something wrong with the relationship. Now, sometimes people realize something is wrong, and that's why they are asking for advice, trying to find out if others had similar experiences and were able to salvage things. But, if they react badly to you telling them "I love you" and then you're worrying about what they'll be saying to their friends in your absence, that's a pretty serious problem. It doesn't necessarily mean either is psycho or weird, just that they don't have a relationship. She could be one of those people who says they love you without meaning it, and freaked out when Phun said it because he actually means it, and that's not what she wants.

And, yeah, a woman saying, "I think we're going to fast, I want to slow down," quite often means, "I don't think I want to be with you as anything more than just friends, and I want to stop."

I only told one guy that I thought we were going too fast, and then came to the realization a few weeks later that it was because I wasn't physically attracted to him. Nice guy, I enjoyed being friends, and we had a lot of fun together, hence my agreement to date him, but in terms of a relationship, nothing was there. I now know, if it feels like it's going too fast, it's just wrong. When you really are strongly attracted to the other person, it doesn't feel too fast at all.

 

[Pengwuino]

i don't want to start blaming her! what am I going to do? ask her why she didn't say it back?...I think I know the obvious answer...

Let me get this straight... she has said she loved you before right?

And not in a "haha your so funny, i love you" and then ran through a field of daisies sense right?

If she did already tell you, yes you should ask why she didn't say it back. If she takes it as you blaming her for doing something, that's her problem. Theres a serious hole in the foundation of your little relationship there that you both should have an interest in fixing. And if she freaks out or gets mad that you care, she doesn't love you. Don't be the only one working to develop your relationship.

 

[Physics is Phun]

no, she didn't. not in an absolutely serious sense. not like I did.

 

[Moonbear]

I know, I love me too!

We can tell.

Okay, Phun, your story seems to be changing a bit. Think carefully about how she actually reacted. Did she just not return the words (no, "I love you too" back at you), or did she actually get upset or seem disturbed that you said it? Flustered is okay...if it came out of the blue and she was happy to hear it, she may have said something silly that came out sounding wrong. But, getting upset over it is not good. If she got upset over it, don't say anything. If anyone has to say something about it, it's her. If she didn't say anything in return, don't say anything. That just comes across obsessive or pushy. She doesn't HAVE to say "I love you too" every time you say "I love you," just like you don't have to say "I love you too" every time she says it. If she just got flustered and said something stupid that came out all wrong, don't say anything. She'll just be embarrassed if you remind her of her moment of foolishness.

If you're not completely sure how she reacted...maybe you were too nervous to read her reaction right...then just try saying it again. If she reacts better, then it could have just been bad timing. If she still flips out over it, then brace yourself for the break-up.

 

[Pengwuino]

no, she didn't. not in an absolutely serious sense. not like I did.

Are you sure she's your girlfriend? No but really... your in a relationship that will be a lot of work because you possibly went into it too quickly. If you two can't mutually say that you love each other, there's a distinct possibility that you jumped in too quickly.

 

[Cyrus]

You need a smart, funny, handsome, modest, humble, guy like me Moonbear .

 

[Moonbear]

You need a smart, funny, handsome, modest, humble, guy like me Moonbear .

I think you should stick to bribing the women with crabcakes.

 

[Pengwuino]

You need a smart, funny, handsome, modest, humble, guy like me Moonbear .

Why am i always on your mind cyrus?

 

[Physics is Phun]

no, she didn't get upset. I already said what happened though.
she said "you don't mean that yet" in a sympathetic voice. kissed me. I said I really did, and I've know her long enough to be sure of it. kissed her back. and she said "thank you" and left.
As far as I can recall that's how it went. ofcourse, after I said it and the very next word I heard wasn't "I" then my mind pretty much started going about a million miles a minute.

 

[Cyrus]

I think you should stick to bribing the women with crabcakes.

Bribes!?

I offered that from the goodness of my heart, .....now, where is lisa! with my dinner!?

 

[Pengwuino]

no, she didn't get upset. I already said what happened though.
she said "you don't mean that yet" in a sympathetic voice. kissed me. I said I really did, and I've know her long enough to be sure of it. kissed her back. and she said "thank you" and left.
As far as I can recall that's how it went. ofcourse, after I said it and the very next word I heard wasn't "I" then my mind pretty much started going about a million miles a minute.

mmm in a relationship where there's no expectation of love. Not my type of relationship

 

[Physics is Phun]

well I don't get it. Let's not forget she's leaving in the fall, she knows it and I know it. I would think that for you to want to be with someone enough to have a long distance relationship, you would perhaps LOVE that person! i dunno. maybe ur right, i should just get the hell out while it's easy...I don't want to though, i want it to work. I mean, we have everything in common and get along so well. I've never met anyone like this, as a friend or potential partner. and I will have wasted so much time if things don't work out.

 

[Pengwuino]

Well, for one, how old are you?

And two, if you two don't love each other, you have no chance of maintaining a long-distance relationship.

 

[Moonbear]

Long-distance relationships have their way of sorting out the good from the bad on their own. If it's a good relationship, it'll survive the distance. If it's a bad one, you'll just drift away, or move on to someone else when apart.

 

[Physics is Phun]

well, we just talked on msn for a minute. she's not home so I couldn't talk her on the phone. We both said we wanted to talk about what happened the other night. not now though. I hate important coversations over msn.
Here I go again, thinking everything! what does SHE want to talk about? does she want to break-up?, say she's sorry? say she loves me?
AHHH This effictively means I'm not going to get much work done tomorrow.

 

[Cyrus]

Man, I thought rocketboy already started a thread about this kinda stuff. Why is GD becoming a Dating Advice Hotline?

............

Here comes 50k posts on 'don't think about it too much, don't do this, do that, no do this'...pft.

Live and Learn.

 

[Pengwuino]

Be quiet cyrus. Coca cola.

 

[FrogPad]

well I don't get it. Let's not forget she's leaving in the fall, she knows it and I know it. I would think that for you to want to be with someone enough to have a long distance relationship, you would perhaps LOVE that person! i dunno. maybe ur right, i should just get the hell out while it's easy...I don't want to though, i want it to work. I mean, we have everything in common and get along so well. I've never met anyone like this, as a friend or potential partner. and I will have wasted so much time if things don't work out.

Dude I didn't know she was leaving in the fall. You should have not said anything, and just let her say it. Now she is going to back off from you, because she will not want to hurt you when she leaves.

I'm guessing she does not want a long term relationship. If she did, she would have said I love you back without hesitation, and you wouldn't be where you are right now.

This sucks for you. I know you want to tell her you love her, because that's what you feel. And you really should be able to do this in a relationship. However younger relationships blow sometimes, and you have to deal with this ****.

So, all I'm going to say is good luck. Stay confident. Stop worrying. Just be yourself. You can get all the advice in the world, but really it will come down to you, and how you are going to handle it.

Keep us posted. It's at least interesting to live through your relationship for the time being.

I would recommend having the following mindset. You and others can disagree, but it's what I would do in your position. Just make the best of what you have right now. Stop thinking about her leaving in the fall. Stop worrying about stupid little things and just concentrate on the moment. And back off on the I love you thing, and just show her a great time while she's here... it'll be fun for the both of you. Let her hang out with her friends, because I mean, damn, she's going to miss them also.

 

[Physics is Phun]

well. NOW it's over. I know I already said that in a previous thread...
This is IT though.
Thanks for the help everyone.
frogpad's post above pretty much sums it up what happened, btw.

 

[FrogPad]

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!


What happened? !

Details bro. Details.

 

[Astronuc]

well. NOW it's over. I know I already said that in a previous thread...
This is IT though.
Thanks for the help everyone.
frogpad's post above pretty much sums it up what happened, btw.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I think FrogPad is probably correct -

I'm guessing she does not want a long term relationship. If she did, she would have said I love you back without hesitation, . . .

and I will have wasted so much time if things don't work out

You have not wasted time - you've learned something about yourself and relationships. It's one of those 'life experiences'.

Going back to something earlier about this girl is too young to have baggage - it is quite possible for 17 - 18 year old women to have baggage. I've known a few - and it can be mild or severe. When I was 16, there was a girl who wanted me to 'come and take her away'. She had a bad situation at home, which was about 1100 miles away. Well, that wasn't the basis of a relationship.

I dated another girl, who at times seemed distant. Her parent's marriage was falling apart, and they divorced shortly after we parted.

In college, I started dating a very nice woman, and then gradually over time found out about her past - she had two sisters - there were three different fathers - and none of the sisters knew their respective father. This woman had run away from home at 14. As much as I cared for this woman, I knew a long term relationship was virtually impossible. Besides, I found out after we began dating, that she was married (long story).

If a girl starts dating at 13 or 14, she could have 4 or 5 'boyfriends' by the time she's 18. So number 5 or 6 will have to deal with whatever issues are there.

Life is not simple. You live, you learn.

And to be fair, men can have similar baggage.

Physics is Phun - there is no need to go into detail, unless you really want to.

 

[Physics is Phun]

pretty much what frogpad said. She didn't want a long term relationship, boy she pulled the wool over my eyes. I'm such an IDIOT! It's so obvious that she was going to do this anyways, i don't know how I let myself get caught up in believing her. It happened twice, how could I be so stupid to believe her the second time. But now I have no one. she was my girlfriend and my best friend. She said she couldn't trust me. I don't know if that's happened to any of you before, but it feels terrible. I thought I knew her so much better than that. I was sorely mistaken.
of all the reasons for her to break up with me, this seems the most assinine.
She was absolutely perfect for me. If i couldn't even make it work with her, I have no hope with anyone else.

 

[Astronuc]

pretty much what frogpad said. She didn't want a long term relationship, boy she pulled the wool over my eyes. I'm such an IDIOT! It's so obvious that she was going to do this anyways, i don't know how I let myself get caught up in believing her. It happened twice, how could I be so stupid to believe her the second time. But now I have no one. she was my girlfriend and my best friend. She said she couldn't trust me. I don't know if that's happened to any of you before, but it feels terrible. I thought I knew her so much better than that. I was sorely mistaken.
of all the reasons for her to break up with me, this seems the most assinine.
She was absolutely perfect for me. If i couldn't even make it work with her, I have no hope with anyone else.

You're not an idiot!

It sounds as though this woman is unsure about herself. Did she explain, why she felt she couldn't trust you? Maybe, at the present time, she can't trust anyone.

As for

It happened twice, how could I be so stupid to believe her the second time.

possibly you did not want to believe it.

You're young, and you'll met other women, and likely one or more will be compatible.

But at the moment, it feels terrible.

 

[Pengwuino]

pretty much what frogpad said. She didn't want a long term relationship, boy she pulled the wool over my eyes. I'm such an IDIOT! It's so obvious that she was going to do this anyways, i don't know how I let myself get caught up in believing her. It happened twice, how could I be so stupid to believe her the second time. But now I have no one. she was my girlfriend and my best friend. She said she couldn't trust me. I don't know if that's happened to any of you before, but it feels terrible. I thought I knew her so much better than that. I was sorely mistaken.
of all the reasons for her to break up with me, this seems the most assinine.
She was absolutely perfect for me. If i couldn't even make it work with her, I have no hope with anyone else.

Psycho.

Theres some real conflicting ideas in your friendship or perception of your friendship with her and thus, your relationship. She says she couldn't trust you but you two were together? And best friends? And "I don't want a long-term relationship" is another word for "im using you". I am sorry, she's an idiot but maybe you are too for not having a good understanding of the relationships you have with people.

But she's the bigger idiot.

 

[Lisa!]

Bribes!?

I offered that from the goodness of my heart, .....now, where is lisa! with my dinner!?

:!)
hmmm...I wanted to make fried penguin for you but I'm still wondering whether you're worthy enough to kill a penguin because of you or not!

You have not wasted time - you've learned something about yourself and relationships. It's one of those 'life experiences'.

I'n just hopeful that he wouldn't be 1 of those people who want to get experiences whole their lives without taking lessons from them!

 

[FrogPad]

She didn't want a long term relationship, boy she pulled the wool over my eyes.

cliché time: "love is blind"

I'm such an IDIOT! It's so obvious that she was going to do this anyways, i don't know how I let myself get caught up in believing her.

cliché time: "love is blind"

I'm such an IDIOT! It's so obvious that she was going to do this anyways, i don't know how I let myself get caught up in believing her.

You are an idiot only for believing you did something wrong.

She said she couldn't trust me. I don't know if that's happened to any of you before, but it feels terrible.

My guess... She said this because you didn't do a damn thing wrong! I mean she can't break it off by saying, "ahh yeah, physics is fun, you are a great person, and this is a fantastic relationship"

A lot of younger girls think that they want the perfect relationship. A relationship that has the potential to lead to marriage. Then they get it... and they are like... woah! backup here. I'm going to be with this person for the rest of my life?! I'm only XXX years old!

Sorry man. It sucks, but as Astronuc put it...

Life is not simple. You live, you learn.

Also put succiently,

But she's the bigger idiot.

I would disagree with Pengwuino in regards to his implication that you are an idiot as well, if it were not for your statement:

She was absolutely perfect for me.

She was NOT perfect for you. Don't twist reality to make it more beneficial to your wants. In the end it likes to unwind, and show you what you've been screwing with.

If she was perfect for you:
You would be happy, not in the sense that you are happy 30% of the time and it's amazing (better than anything before), but 70% of the time you worry. Do the numbers, in the end you are just tormenting yourself.If you want to be friends, this is what I would do:

Don't call her for awhile. Hang out with your friends. Make plans every day. In a week she'll probably start missing you again. She'll probably call you and just say hardly anything, she'll ask you how you are doing, and crap like that... but in this conversation she won't have anything to say.

She'll think she crushed you.

Well during this conversation, act very confident and NOT-CRUSHED. Don't say how you miss her. Tell her things are going very well, but you are sorry that you have to be somewhere (know where it is, don't just make something up (ACTUALLY HAVE PLANS! you can fib on the time a bit)). Tell her you will call her tomorrow. Then call her later that day (like 4 hours later) and ask her if she would like to do XXX with you. Maybe it's a movie, maybe it's a party... I have no idea what you guys do.

If she says no, she doesn't feel like it would be a good idea... be like. Ok. No problem... well hey, I just thought I would throw the invite out there, but I have XXX to do, and let her go. KEEP YOURSELF BUSY. I don't care if you are meeting people to study. I don't care if you have a television show you really want to watch. Just something each day.

If she says yes, then meet up with her under the following impression (this part is important).
THAT IT IS OVER.

Get it through your head, that you are done, and convince yourself you don't want to be back with her. Remember she crushed you ok? If you can't honestly do this, then do not have lunch or whatever with her. If you can (now don't lie). You have a perfect opportunity to tell her, that you love her and want to be back with her.

KIDDING!

Don't say that. Just tell her, look, let's just be friends. You are leaving in X month's. We were friends before, so we can be that way.

She might start seeing someone else during this short time. Could you handle that? If you say no. Then don't do anything I just said. Your best bet is just to get close with your other friends right now. You are in prime condition to meet someone else. Trust me. Just try talking to other girls right now... it will be amazing how receptive they are during this time.

 

[shmoe]

She said she couldn't trust me.

That stinks, but it doesn't sound like she has any rational reason for this so I wouldn't take it personally (yes I know how that sounds). It looks like she's just swinging that baggage around and you got hit.

She was absolutely perfect for me. If i couldn't even make it work with her, I have no hope with anyone else.

Balony. If a girl doesn't want a long term relationship and you do, she's not in any way perfect for you. It doesn't matter how compatable in other ways you are, you can't force someone to fall in love with you, even if you do dress up in a cupid outfit (maybe especially if you dress up in a cupid outfit).

This is no indication on how you will fair with other girls. Chalk it up to experience and reflect on what you've learned about yourself and relationships. Focus on your schoolwork and other stuff after wallowing in self pity for as short amount of time as possible, you'll feel better with time.

 

[Smurf]

Physics is Phun. This is something that I had to learn the hard way, but it's really quite simple: There are plenty of other fish in the sea. I know it's really hard on your first few break ups, but you have to realize that you will always find people who you connect well with and who would seem "perfect for you" at the time.

 

[Pengwuino]

Whats with you people learning the hard way. Some common sense goes a long way with relationships if you could believe it.

Oh hi smurf.

 

[Astronuc]

Some common sense goes a long way with relationships . . . .

Bravo, Pengwuino - this is something with which I can agree. There's hope for you afterall.

 

[Physics is Phun]

It sounds as though this woman is unsure about herself. Did she explain, why she felt she couldn't trust you? Maybe, at the present time, she can't trust anyone.

yes that's what she said. She didn't say she just coldn't tust me, she said she couldn't trust anyone, including me.
THAT, however, is unnaceptable to me. she seemed so confident in it too. like she'd been thinking it for a while.
And she just kept saying that it wasn't me, it was her. and that she wasn't ready yet. she said she didn't expect me to wait for her (and that ofcourse means that she DOES want me to wait for her). and I said 'good, cause I'm not' Of course I'm not entirely sure I mean that. what if I'm not dating anyone at the time and she says she wants to start things up again? I don't know what to do
I'm thinking that I can't even consider it until she comes home for the summer...what if she's back at christmas though and says she's gotten things all straightened out. I can't believe anything she says anymore.
And she still wants to be friends...I don't know if I can do that. I want to, but what if she gets a new boyfriend. she say's that's not going to happen for a loooong time. but it could. she's so fickle, and easy for guys to manipulate. and I couldn't stand to see her be with anyone else, especially if I'm single at the time (most likely)
but for now, i just can't decide if I should cut her out of my life or not. I don't want to, but it'll probably be the easiest thing to do.

 

[Pengwuino]

man she played you...

 

[Moonbear]

She was absolutely perfect for me. If i couldn't even make it work with her, I have no hope with anyone else.

Nonsense! Everyone has to get dumped a few times to learn what to avoid in relationships, and it always sucks, and it always hurts (unless they just beat you to it and you both wanted out). When you find the young lady who is right for you, everything will just click. She wasn't absolutely perfect for you, or you'd both still be together. It's really that simple. You feared communicating with her, worried about what she thought about you when you weren't around, and couldn't even tell her you love her without worrying over it. That's not perfect, that's miserable. Now, enjoy the rest of your summer doing stuff with the guys, and when school starts up again in the fall, you'll be free to start dating again. This was your first relationship, right? Sometimes those work out, but usually they don't. Consider it practice for when the right one comes along.

 

[Pengwuino]

Yah, you have a really crappy idea of what the "perfect" girl is unless you're being superficial.