Saying 'I Love You': What's the Best Way?

[Moonbear]

And she just kept saying that it wasn't me, it was her.

Classic let-down line when you're trying to spare the other's feelings as much as possible.

And she still wants to be friends...I don't know if I can do that.

From what you've written about your feelings, I don't think you can. It might suit her, but it's not right for you. You need time apart to get over your feelings, or you'll never move on. I've been there, and all it does is drag out the pain, and you keep thinking maybe you'll get another chance...you won't. Make it a clean split. If you bump into each other in 5 years, maybe you can be friends again (I've done that with an ex-boyfriend too and can be just friends because of the time completely apart...there are no romantic feelings now at all...I even helped him with suggestions of ways to propose to his current wife). But, it only works if you spend time apart first, otherwise your feelings will just linger and you'll never be able to move on until she's out of your life.

 

[Cyrus]

I love you

 

[Moonbear]

I love you

Is that for Pengwuino again? I swear, you two should just get a room.

 

[Cyrus]

In your dreams

 

[Moonbear]

In your dreams

You and Pengwuino? ...Nah, you'd both spend so much time trying to impress each other that you'd forget all about me. :shy:

 

[Pengwuino]

no no, i love moonbear more! Look at that cat, it's trying to shoot me, her one and only love :!) :!) :!)

 

[Astronuc]

First of all - nobody is perfect! Nobody!

yes that's what she said. She didn't say she just coldn't tust me, she said she couldn't trust anyone, including me.

THAT, however, is unnaceptable to me. she seemed so confident in it too. like she'd been thinking it for a while.

Well, maybe she is being totally honest. Maybe she's not ready for a long term or permanent relationship. It may very well be a 'classic let-down' as mentioned, then again maybe not. Maybe she had thought about it - or you caught her completely off-guard, and she panicked. People behave irrationally when confronted with uncertainty, fear, . . .

I looked back at the OP, and you mentioned dating for a few weeks now. Perhaps your "I love you" came too soon for her.

And she just kept saying that it wasn't me, it was her. and that she wasn't ready yet. she said she didn't expect me to wait for her (and that ofcourse means that she DOES want me to wait for her).

Well that is entirely possible - and it is her prerogative. But you don't have to wait.

and I said 'good, cause I'm not' Of course I'm not entirely sure I mean that.

Well, I wouldn't have put it that way, but I understand how you were feeling. With all due respect, you let your emotions take over there.

what if I'm not dating anyone at the time and she says she wants to start things up again? I don't know what to do

Well, it's time to think of what you are going to do in terms of meeting and possibly dating other women. You're not committed to her, nor in an exclusive relationship.

I'm thinking that I can't even consider it until she comes home for the summer...what if she's back at christmas though and says she's gotten things all straightened out. I can't believe anything she says anymore.

Did she lie to you? Perhaps her sin is omission, but then perhaps she hadn't dealt with her issues - yet. You both might be on different time tables.*

And she still wants to be friends...I don't know if I can do that. I want to, but what if she gets a new boyfriend. she say's that's not going to happen for a loooong time. but it could. she's so fickle, and easy for guys to manipulate.

That very well could be.

and I couldn't stand to see her be with anyone else, especially if I'm single at the time (most likely) but for now, i just can't decide if I should cut her out of my life or not. I don't want to, but it'll probably be the easiest thing to do.

Well, I can imagine that would make one feel uncomfortable. On the other hand, you need to decide if and how she will be part of your future. You could still be friends, or you could part ways - that's your call.

You have to decide what is right for you - and then live with the consequences.

*I see parallels between relationships with wave mechanics and the uncertainty principle.

Two people have to be in phase in order to constructively interact. The more in phase two people are, i.e. the more compatible, the more likely the relationship will work. There is however uncertainty in a relationship, and sometimes its not clear how in-phase two people are.

Here's where the timing comes in. As time goes on and a relationship matures, a couple becomes more "in-phase" and there is less uncertainty. However, sometimes trying to prematurely progress the relationship where there is too much uncertainty for one or both members disrupts the relationship (loss of coherence) and the couple diverges (rather than converges).

Oh, well, it's just a theory. But it seems appropriate for PF.

 

[Cyrus]

First of all - nobody is perfect! Nobody!

I disagree, according to Moonbear, Evo, and Lisa!, I am the one and only perfect Vitruvian person for them.

 

[Moonbear]

I disagree, according to Moonbear, Evo, and Lisa!, I am the one and only perfect Vitruvian person for them.

At least we don't have to worry you lack self-confidence.

 

[Lisa!]

First of all - nobody is perfect! Nobody!

I disagree, according to Moonbear, Evo, and Lisa!, I am the one and only perfect Vitruvian person for them.

Nobody is perfect!
Cyrus is nobody.
Therefor cyrus is perfect!

 

[FrogPad]

Nobody is perfect!
Cyrus is nobody.
Therefor cyrus is perfect!

oh snap.

an elegant proof.

 

[Cyrus]

Nobody is perfect!
Cyrus is nobody.
Therefor cyrus is perfect!

Yeah, I am perfect, arent I? :!) :!)

 

[Moonbear]

Nobody is perfect!
Cyrus is nobody.
Therefor cyrus is perfect!

Beautiful!

Careful, Cyrus, when one's ego becomes over-inflated around here, the PF Sisterhood has a lovely assortment of giant pins to help pop it.

 

[Cyrus]

Beautiful!

Careful, Cyrus, when one's ego becomes over-inflated around here, the PF Sisterhood has a lovely assortment of giant pins to help pop it.

Ah, you like it kinky, I see Pins and whips and torture devices .

 

[Moonbear]

Ah, you like it kinky, I see Pins and whips and torture devices .

Oh, so you've already been inside the supersonic RV, huh?

 

[Cyrus]

<Gulp, I will boldly go where no man has gone before...>

 

[Moonbear]

<Gulp, I will boldly go where no man has gone before...>

Oh, we've had men in there before. Tom and Humanino and tribdog have each had their turn being handcuffed to...:shy: Nevermind.

 

[Cyrus]

May god have mercy on their souls.

 

[Physics is Phun]

well, apparently we're back to just being friends again...she called me just now cause she watched the rest of starwars (which we were watching together )to ask me "what's with the red guy"
so we were on the phone just now for over an hour talking about random things. and she brought up that she was hanging out with this old boyfriend of hers. they're really good friends right now. and nothing would happen between them. but I still got the sense that she was trying to get me jealous. (of course maybe that's because she DID ) but other than that we had a good conversation.
I just don't know if I can be with her in person yet, especially alone. i don't see how she can be so fine about this either. she must know that I'm hurt.
Should I tell her? or just keep playing it cool?

 

[nazzard]

[...] she watched the rest of starwars (which we were watching together )to ask me "what's with the red guy" [...]
Should I tell her? or just keep playing it cool?

Stop playing and tell her what's up with the red guy. I'm curious to know as well!

 

[Pengwuino]

well, apparently we're back to just being friends again...she called me just now cause she watched the rest of starwars (which we were watching together )to ask me "what's with the red guy"
so we were on the phone just now for over an hour talking about random things. and she brought up that she was hanging out with this old boyfriend of hers. they're really good friends right now. and nothing would happen between them. but I still got the sense that she was trying to get me jealous. (of course maybe that's because she DID ) but other than that we had a good conversation.
I just don't know if I can be with her in person yet, especially alone. i don't see how she can be so fine about this either. she must know that I'm hurt.
Should I tell her? or just keep playing it cool?

haha hanging out with her old boyfriend. What bull. She's trying to make you jeolous. Yah what a catch

 

[Astronuc]

Given the recent developments, I would imagine the young lady is perhaps trying to make you jealous (we really don't know because none of us know her, and even if we did, we can't read her mind). Telling you that she is hanging out with an old boyfriend is really unnecessary - except to possibly make one jealous.

I just don't know if I can be with her in person yet, especially alone. i don't see how she can be so fine about this either. she must know that I'm hurt.

Should I tell her? or just keep playing it cool?

Or do both. Tell her you were hurt and disappointed, and play it cool.

As for oneself - it's going to hurt as long as one allows it to hurt.

 

[Pengwuino]

How can you say to someone "i was hurt and disappointed" and think that's acting cool?

 

[Physics is Phun]

Given the recent developments, I would imagine the young lady is perhaps trying to make you jealous (we really don't know because none of us know her, and even if we did, we can't read her mind). Telling you that she is hanging out with an old boyfriend is really unnecessary - except to possibly make one jealous.

well the thing is, she didn't just start hanging out with him. she always has been. i know him fairly well too. And it wasn't made clear, but she either watched the starwars movie with him or just borrowed the movies from him. Either way it seems like unecessary information. I'm having a hard time believing she's doing it on purpose though. I'm probably just getting jealous over nothing.

 

[nazzard]

[...] I'm probably just getting jealous over nothing.

Most likely. And:

"The worst kind, Of diseased mind, Is one filled with jealousy"

As a general note: don't try to analyse everything. Take it as a given fact. I'm sure you will learn to respect her decision, no matter if you think it was fair or not.

 

[Pengwuino]

She was trying to make you jeolous. You don't have to be a genius see that one.

 

[Moonbear]

well the thing is, she didn't just start hanging out with him. she always has been. i know him fairly well too. And it wasn't made clear, but she either watched the starwars movie with him or just borrowed the movies from him. Either way it seems like unecessary information. I'm having a hard time believing she's doing it on purpose though. I'm probably just getting jealous over nothing.

Regardless of whether she's doing it on purpose to make you jealous (which is pretty mean and hurtful), or if there's nothing to it and your jealousy is completely unfounded, one thing is very clear. You are not going to be able to stay friends with her without torturing yourself.

If she calls you again like that, just tell her that while you wish things had worked out differently, if she's serious about still being friends, the best thing she can do for you, as a friend, is to not talk to you, because you need time apart to work things out for yourself before you can be just friends again.

You really fell hard this time, because you were just starting to realize you love her just as she was about to dump you. Break-ups don't get much harder than that, so you're going to need time to get your own act back together. If you try to be friends now without any time apart, it's not going to work. You'll just end up hurt worse or dragging it out forever. And, in your mind, you'll never really be friends this way, you'll be ex-boyfriend and girlfriend, or maybe always hoping to be current boyfriend and girlfriend. It doesn't work out for being friends. I've been there, and all it did was prolong the breaking up process and the hurt feelings. Two of my ex-boyfriends are very good friends of mine now, but it took a long time of not talking to them before we were able to be "just" friends. My advice, based on that, is don't attempt to rekindle your friendship with her until after you've managed to move on and start dating again (and not too soon after...no quicker way to sabotage a new relationship than to suddenly start hanging around with an ex-girlfriend...you see how it hurts you to know she's hanging around with an ex-boyfriend, and it's very possible the problems she had with your relationship is that she's not over the last guy herself).

 

[FrogPad]

Regardless of whether she's doing it on purpose to make you jealous (which is pretty mean and hurtful), or if there's nothing to it and your jealousy is completely unfounded, one thing is very clear. You are not going to be able to stay friends with her without torturing yourself.

If she calls you again like that, just tell her that while you wish things had worked out differently, if she's serious about still being friends, the best thing she can do for you, as a friend, is to not talk to you, because you need time apart to work things out for yourself before you can be just friends

Beautiful advice. You would be wise to take it.



...and dude, stop talking to her for hours

You guys aren't dating.

 

[Astronuc]

How can you say to someone "i was hurt and disappointed" and think that's acting cool?

That's not what I said. PiP can tell her that he is disappointed about the way things worked out, and the he needs some distance along the lines of what Moonbear mentioned.

she didn't just start hanging out with him. she always has been.

Well, hanging out with him again? She was hanging with the other guy, while you were dating?

I was looking back at the OP and the night of when it all blew up.

PiP and this young lady were only dating 2 weeks after being friens for 6-7 months. In the OP, the reference is to 'girlfriend', which usually infers some exclusive relationship. I am sure we are missing a lot of details (which are not really for public disclosure), but it maybe that the young lady is not ready for an exclusive relationship. She sounds like she enjoyed the companionship, but beyond that, she may not be ready for a serious relationship.

Beautiful advice. You would be wise to take it.

I second Moonbear's advice - she gets a Nobel Prize here.

 

[Physics is Phun]

PiP and this young lady were only dating 2 weeks after being friens for 6-7 months. In the OP, the reference is to 'girlfriend', which usually infers some exclusive relationship. I am sure we are missing a lot of details (which are not really for public disclosure), but it maybe that the young lady is not ready for an exclusive relationship. She sounds like she enjoyed the companionship, but beyond that, she may not be ready for a serious relationship.

that's exactly right. except to point out that she does want to be in a relationship. but just isn't ready for it yet. it was my fault for not being able to see it. i mean. her friend just died. i should've know anything she said wasn't going to last.
and she did hang out with her ex while she was dating me. it's not like she still likes him. he's my friend now too. we all go swimming at his place sometimes. But it seemed a bit unecessary to bring up that she was in his room. she was talking about the starwars movies and she says 'i haven't been in his room for a while, i forgot how much starwars stuff he had'
like wtf, i don't need to know that

 

[Pengwuino]

Why aren't my gut-punching tactics getting through to you Physics is phun.

 

[Pyrrhus]

You know what, Relationships should be enjoyed as when you go on vacations. It's a pleasant surprise at the beginning and when it ends, you don't want to leave, but you understand that it's over. Luckily, you have enough pleasant memories .

 

[Pengwuino]

You know what, Relationships should be enjoyed as when you go on vacations. It's a pleasant surprise at the beginning and when it ends, you don't want to leave, but you understand that it's over. Luckily, you have enough pleasant memories .

Unless you get stuck in a traffic jam on I5 going to someplace more hospitible to humans, end up paying tourist rates for a soda, and die.

 

[Lisa!]

I love you, people!
Now could you please tell me what you say to someone when you are very angry at him/her and you are not willing to see him again?(other than that f word and get the hell out of here.

 

[Astronuc]

that's exactly right. except to point out that she does want to be in a relationship. but just isn't ready for it yet.

"she does want to be in a relationship" - with whom? That seems to be a key point here.

It sounds like she was dating you because she enjoyed the companionship, but it was not an exclusive relationship, because she is still spending time with the other young man.

The conflict here is that you would be quite happy to have an exclusive relationship, but she is not ready for that, and when she is ready, will you be the one? There is no guarantee here.

How much uncertainty can you tolerate?

it was my fault for not being able to see it. i mean. her friend just died. i should've know anything she said wasn't going to last.

You didn't see it because you lack experience - that happens to everyone at different times in life. It sounds like she needs time to figure out where she is. Both of you are young. You've got 3-4 years of university ahead, then perhaps grad school, then a professional career, which could take either of you who knows where.

and she did hang out with her ex while she was dating me. it's not like she still likes him. he's my friend now too. we all go swimming at his place sometimes. But it seemed a bit unecessary to bring up that she was in his room. she was talking about the starwars movies and she says 'i haven't been in his room for a while, i forgot how much starwars stuff he had

Seriously consider Moonbear's advice.

But you could ask the young lady - why she is telling you all the details. Is this her way of being open and honest? What is the purpose of telling you that she is spending time with another guy?

Is this young lady sensitive to your feelings?

Are you sure you are both compatible?

I know these are hard questions - I've had to ask them myself a long time ago.


I told you rocket science is easier.