Collection of Lame Jokes

[jtbell]

What does Reese Witherspoon also eat with?

Her knife and fork.

 

[fresh_42]

What does Reese Witherspoon also eat with?

Her knife and fork.

And how did she used to call her babies?

Feed Withaspoon.

 

[WWGD]

Anthony Lake and Joan Rivers are related to Roger Waters.

 

[fresh_42]

Anthony Lake and Joan Rivers are related to Roger Waters.

And no to forget Avery Brooks. This gives the word off-spring the right perspective.

 

[WWGD]

And no to forget Avery Brooks. This gives the word off-spring the right perspective.

https://www.tripadvisor.com/Restaurant_Review-g504115-d4309606-Reviews-The_Babbling_Brook-Bridgwater_Somerset_England.html

Put a few of these together into babbling brooks.

 

[jtbell]

Did you hear about the mime who wrote an autobiography using only silent letters?

 

[mfb]

Ghoti
Pronounce "gh" as in night
Pronounce o as in people
Pronounce t as in gourmet
Pronounce i as in business
All silent.

Alternative pronunciation: like "fish"

 

[davenn]

and these people ( and I use that description broadly) breed and vote

 

[davenn]

the list is endless for what this could apply to

camera gear
telescopes
car restoration parts
ham radio gear @berkeman

etc etc

Dave

 

[fresh_42]

I first wanted to post this in the Science Jokes forum, but it is definitely too lame.

Q: How long does a football match last, if the referees are physicists?
A: Maximal one play. Then they know the momentum of the ball.

 

[davenn]

My new dentist called me back to make another mould of my teeth.
Needless to say he made a terrible first impression!...

 

[davenn]

1. "OLD" IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both

2. !" OLD" IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

3. "OLD" IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

4. "OLD" IS WHEN... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

5. "OLD" IS WHEN... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

6. "OLD" IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

7. "OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fibre today.

8. "OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

9. "OLD" IS WHEN... An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee

 

[jtbell]

Did you hear about the restaurant that experimented with using robots to deliver food to their patrons' tables?

They had to stop doing it because their servers kept crashing.

 

[rootone]

Werner Heisenberg gets stopped by traffic cops.
They say: 'Sir, do you know what speed you were going?'
He replies: 'No, but I do know where I was at the time.'

 

[Ibix]

How do cows get to work?

On a cowmooter train.

 

[jtbell]

How do cows get to work?

On a cowmooter train.

Like this underground one in Austria:

Dorfbahn Serfaus

 

[fresh_42]

Q: And how do you decide whether a patient belongs into psychiatry?
A: We fill a bath tub with water, give him a spoon, a cup and a bucket and tell him to empty the tub.
Q: I understand. A normal guy would chose the bucket, because this is faster.
A: No, a normal guy would pull the plug. Do you wish a room with a balcony?

 

[Mark44]

Fixed it for ya...

Q: And how do you decide whether a patient belongs into psychiatry?
A: We fill a bath tube with water, give him a spoon, a cup and a bucket and tell him to empty the tube.
Q: I understand. A normal guy would chose the bucket, because this is faster.
A: No, a normal guy would pull the plug. Do you wish a room with a balcony?

 

[fresh_42]

Fixed it for ya...

Whatever was wrong, thanks!

 

[davenn]

Whatever was wrong, thanks!

bath tub, not tube

 

[fresh_42]

bath tub, not tube

Thanks. Laziness always comes to a cost: I thought for a moment whether I should look it up but decided not to.

 

[davenn]

so, so often ...

 

[davenn]

Went out today to buy some marker pens.

That was the highlight of my day.

 

[davenn]

A big shot Lawyer had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. No, I'm sorry," the n...urse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing...
After about 20 minutes, the man's Doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed... "Not with a Daffodil."

 

[davenn]

I took my wife to a French restaurant. The waiter for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare please."
Jokingly, he said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started!..

 

[davenn]

I met my wife at a singles bar.
Funny thing is, I thought she was at home looking after the kids!...

 

[davenn]

last one for the day ...

There's a programme on tonight about echoes.

It's a repeat.maybe

 

[stoomart]

Why did the fish cross the road?

For the halibut.

 

[fresh_42]

Went out today to buy some marker pens.

That was the highlight of my day.

I remember a student who had written on his office door:
"The only positive in my life was the test!"
(... and he didn't refer to an exam.)

 

[jtbell]

Why did the fish cross the road?

For the halibut.

 

[fresh_42]

What an embarrassing performance it must have been as we gave up the oceans ...

 

[256bits]

Near the end, one at the top of the frame is making a valiant effort.

 

[Mark44]

(In reference to the video of a salmon crossing a road:)

What an embarrassing performance it must have been as we gave up the oceans ...

?
I don't know what you're saying. Assuming that you don't understand about the life cycle of anadromous fish, salmon hatch in freshwater streams, and most migrate out to the sea where they live for several years. Toward the end of their lives, they return to the exact stream where they hatched, to spawn a new generation of salmon, repeating the cycle.

In my first teaching job I was at a small high school on the Olympic Peninsula in Wash. state. The Olympic Peninsula is known for its prodigious rainfall, especially on the west and southwest sides, up to 175 inches per year. During one especially rainy period, I remember hearing one of the bus drivers remark that she way salmon swimming across the road she was driving along, just like what is shown in the video.

 

[Mark44]

Near the end, one at the top of the frame is making a valiant effort.

I saw one going the wrong way -- downstream. He must have not gotten the memo...

 

[Mark44]

A fish walks into a cafe. The waitress asks, "What'll you have?"

The fish replies, "Water!"

Garfield cartoon, 9/14/17