Collection of Lame Jokes

[Ivan Seeking]

Oh yes, and this is another good one

A group of older gentlemen are playing cards. Carl is cleaning everyone's clock so badly that finally the other players demand to know what's going on. Carl starts laughing and explains that he's been taking a memory course and it has really helped his card game. "What is the name of the course", asked one player, "I'd like to take it".

Carl thinks for a moment and then asks, "Does anyone remember the rings that we got in high school?". "Do you mean the graduation ring?", asked one player. "Yeah, that's what I'm talking about", said Carl. "Now, do you remember the stone used in the ring?". "That was a ruby", asserts another player. "Yes, that was it!", exclaimed Carl. Then he turns and yells into the kitchen where his wife is working:" Hey Ruby, what is the name of that memory course we are taking?".

 

[turbo]

I liked it better the first time.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I liked it better the first time.

Still, obviously you are old enough to not only get, but also to appreciate the pun.

 

[HeLiXe]

lolz

 

[EnumaElish]

What did mother buffalo say to his son as she was leaving?

"Bye, son..."

 

[EnumaElish]

Hehe... [and, "welcome"]

 

[hunterddog]

shintzel walkes into a bar, mounge says Y the long face, get it cause u got a long face

 

[DJsTeLF]

They violate causality!

What's the strangest thing about tacheons?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

The trouble with Asian news is that you can watch the news, but a half-hour later you want to watch it again.
- The Daily Show

 

[Hestia]

Beer doesn't make you fat. It makes you lean... On everything around you.

 

[HeLiXe]

^^Ya that is definitely a groaner!

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Someone called a travel agent and asked "How long does it take to get from New York to Tokyo?" The travel agent said "just a moment" and went to look it up. But the caller said thank you and hung up.

 

[HeLiXe]

lololol

 

[Ivan Seeking]

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF:

1. You refine heroin for a living, but have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your rearend with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean".

5. You think vests come in two styles -- bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

 

[OmCheeto]

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF:

...

Bwah. Hahahaha!

I stole your list, and have started the new viral email.

Thank you, and give Tsu a smooch for me.

 

[Goofguy]

A group of older gentlemen are playing cards. Carl is cleaning everyone's clock so badly that finally the other players demand to know what's going on. Carl starts laughing and explains that he's been taking a memory course and it has really helped his card game. "What is the name of the course", asked one player, "I'd like to take it".

Carl thinks for a moment and then asks, "Does anyone remember the rings that we got in high school?". "Do you mean the graduation ring?", asked one player. "Yeah, that's what I'm talking about", said Carl. "Now, do you remember the stone used in the ring?". "That was a ruby", asserts another player. "Yes, that was it!", exclaimed Carl. Then he turns and yells into the kitchen where his wife is working:" Hey Ruby, what is the name of that memory course we are taking?".

I don't get it... can someone explain

 

[EnumaElish]

I don't get it... can someone explain

His wife's name is "Ruby."

 

[Ivan Seeking]

And he had to use his memory technique in order to remember his wife's name.

I should have credited the Taliban jokes to Jeff Foxworthy; received via viral email.

 

[Galteeth]

Still, obviously you are old enough to not only get, but also to appreciate the pun.

I didn't get it.

 

[ivanbalvan]

A guy walks into a doctors office, with a huge purple head.
The doctor asks him
-What happened to you?
the guy replied
-Oh I messed up doctor, i really messed up!
then the doctor asked him
-What happened tell me, how did you get this giant purple head.
So the guy tell him
-Well I was on this island and I found a lamp with a genie inside, and he said he would grant me 3 wishes.. but i messed up soo bad doc, man did I mess up..
The doctor was very confused and asked him I don't understand how you got the giant purple head...
So the guy began to explain
-Well you see doc, the genie said I had 3 wishes, so my first wish was to have a suit case full of money
The doctor had the confused look on this head
-I still don't understand how you got the giant purple head...
The guy kept telling his story.
-Well my second wish was to go back home to my family, but i messed up doc.. oh did I ever mess up!
Then the doctor said well what was your 3rd wish?
the guy told him
-thats where I messed up doc..., I wished for a giant purple head...

 

[zzzilch]

Why is Superman's costume so tight?
Because his costume says S

Why is Batman's costume so tight?
Because Superman bought it for him

Why is Spiderman's costume so tight?
Because buy 2, free 1. (Superman gave Spiderman the extra.)

One day, Batman and Superman had a race. Superman won. How come?
Because when Batman begins, Superman returns.

 

[brother time]

Do you want to hear a carpenter joke?

Well I'm still working on it.

When do cannibals leave the table?

When every ones eaten

 

[Lancelot59]

A guy walks into a bar, walks up to a woman and says "How do you like your eggs? Scrambled or fertilized?"

 

[ectrhoi]

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... ba dum chhhhh!

 

[HeLiXe]

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... ba dum chhhhh!

OMG that one got me!

 

[Lancelot59]

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff... ba dum chhhhh!

Ditto. That was pretty good.

 

[Borg]

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher. Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Chip & Dip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"

Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

 

[HeLiXe]

amazing how everyone knew what dog crap tastes like

 

[Lancelot59]

amazing how everyone knew what dog crap tastes like

I wonder if feces are a delicacy somewhere in the world...

 

[HeLiXe]

lololololol...STOP! I'm eating

 

[Lancelot59]

lololololol...STOP! I'm eating

Nom nom nom? Or Mon Mon Mon?

 

[HeLiXe]

LOLOL
http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2008/6/3/heymon128570287966392236.jpg

 

[Lancelot59]

I meant mon mon mon as in vomiting because you said you were eating...

But that dog was hilarious.

 

[HeLiXe]

Yeah I knew what you meant, but it reminded me of "hey mon" hence the dog there.

and really I was eating and totally about to barf !

 

[Lancelot59]

But I do wonder if people actually do eat feces...