Collection of Lame Jokes

[jtbell]

British cuisine

In my student days long ago, while I was traveling around Germany, I bought an English translation of "Asterix in Britain" to amuse myself with on the train. I remember a scene involving the Romans who were trying to capture Asterix and Obelix:

Commander: "If you don't find those blasted Gauls and bring them to me, I'll have you boiled alive and served to the lions! With mint sauce!"

Legionnaire #1 (gulping): "How horrible!"

Legionnaire #2: "Yes, poor creatures!"

 

[DrGreg]

PRINCE2 is the project management methodology formerly known as PRINCE.

 

[fresh_42]

PRINCE2 is the project management methodology formerly known as PRINCE.

That's only because they had to change their anthem on the pressure from their customers from Purple Rain to Urgent.

 

[nuuskur]

I think this is appropriate, enough :)

 

[Psinter]

What do you call a group of anxious workers?

A nervous system.

 

[mfb]

Why does no one like the Orion belt?It is a big waist of space!Not a good joke. Only 3 stars.

 

[fresh_42]

Why does no one like the Orion belt?

Because of the trouble that comes along with it:

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Because of the trouble that comes along with it:

No trouble. We do it all the time ...

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[jtbell]

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar graph...

 

[DrClaude]

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar graph...

View attachment 224282

Are these real actual (*) numbers? Because they appear to cling to stereotypes...

(*): Edited before some smartypants mathematician chimes in.

 

[Ibix]

Are these real actual (*) numbers?

It probably depends on the country and time period for which the data was sourced, as well as factors such as sample bias and subtleties around what gets included in compensation (for example a lot of churches provide housing; I don't know if the same is true of synagogues). In other words, they're complex numbers.

(*): Edited before some smartypants mathematician chimes in.

Sorry.

 

[mfb]

In other words, they're complex numbers.

Imaginary salary is the salary you claim you get in addition to the actual salary.
The larger your phase is the more you exaggerate.

 

[jtbell]

Are these real actual (*) numbers?

They're actual numbers: the first hits in Google searches for "average compensation priest", etc. I didn't try to check them for consistency. I simply wanted something to construct a bar graph from. I did ponder for a few seconds why priests came out lowest and figured many or most of them might receive free housing as part of their position.

 

[davenn]

 

[Stavros Kiri]

View attachment 224364

Try McD's

 

[256bits]

View attachment 224364

That reminded me of this news item.
It's no joke, or maybe a joke.
In any case it is lame.
http://www.foxnews.com/world/2018/0...animal-rescue-group-is-eaten-weeks-later.html

 

[Mark44]

Are these real actual (*) numbers?

It's actually quite complex

 

[fresh_42]

 

[jtbell]

Have you heard about the forthcoming reboot for streaming video that adapts the classic "Lone Ranger" series to modern technology? It'll be called "Drone Ranger." Instead of Rossini's "William Tell" Overture, the theme music will be Rimsky-Korsakov's "Flight of the Bumblebee."

 

[Ibix]

It'll be called "Drone Ranger." Instead of Rossini's "William Tell" Overture, the theme music will be Rimsky-Korsakov's "Flight of the Bumblebee."

I'd have thought something on the bagpipes was more appropriate.

 

[jtbell]

I think "Flight of the Bumblebee" has been arranged for just about everything!

 

[fresh_42]

I think "Flight of the Bumblebee" has been arranged for just about everything!

Only above $20\,\text{Hz}$!

 

[jtbell]

Of course, in this new version, Tonto becomes a robot. "What do you mean we, meatbag?"

 

[Ibix]

What do you call a man with a car on his head?

Jack.

 

[256bits]

What do you call a man with a car on his head?

Jack.

Those jones.
What do you call a man on a skyscraper?
Hi.

 

[stevendaryl]

A woman was at a graveside, mourning her recently deceased husband, when a man came up and cleared his throat. "May I say a word?" he asked. She nodded. "Plethora" he said. She nodded and replied: "Thanks. That means a lot."

 

[fresh_42]

What do you call a tall man who lives in clock tower?
Big Ben.

 

[DrGreg]

What do you call a gorilla wearing ear plugs?
Anything you like; he can't hear you.

 

[fresh_42]

What do you call a gorilla wearing ear plugs?
Anything you like; he can't hear you.

What do you call a Bonobo who spits on you?
Natalie. Her name was Natalie.

Spoiler

I've overdone the plaudits for her baby so that she finally thought I want to have it.

 

[fresh_42]

I was so proud of my solution.
Too bad it didn't stick to the problem.

 

[DrGreg]

I was so proud of my solution.
Too bad it didn't stick to the problem.

Is it true that, in school chemistry lessons, if you can't achieve a solution you will get a suspension?

 

[mfb]

In addition, you can get kicked out for creating a solution.

 

[jtbell]

I once kicked myself out of high school chemistry lab for making a solution of (part of) my pants in nitric acid while I was still wearing them (not for long ). A teacher had to drive me home so I could get a fresh pair of pants.