Collection of Lame Jokes

[jtbell]

A guy walks into a ski lodge, accompanied by a pony on skis.

Desk clerk: "Uh, what's up with your friend?"
Guy: "Him? The cold made him a little hoarse. "

 

[Ibix]

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

 

[256bits]

Things you don't hear or say in Balloon World:
At the fast food joint - You want a pop with that?
At school - Today we are having a pop quiz.
Meeting you dad - Hi Pop!

 

[Ibix]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

In some frames of reference the road crossed the chicken.

(The Einstein Reverse - a distant relative of the "in Soviet Russia, chicken crosses you" gag).

 

[fresh_42]

A neutrino walked through a bar.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

I know a similar one:
Why the chicken didn't cross the road?!

Spoiler

Too many cars and because it's "chicken"! ...

 

[member 428835]

Who was harder to get long with: Euler or Lagrange?

Euler, Lagrange just went with the flow.

(made this joke up when studying for my quals)

 

[Stavros Kiri]

A neutrino walked through a bar.

So what!?
[if only it was just one ...]

 

[WWGD]

A neutrino walked through a bar.

And told himself: Let's split through the slit (Please pardon tech details, my Physics is pretty rudimentary. EDIT I know it is supposed to be electron, but you take whatever you can get.).

 

[WWGD]

Two pilots p1,p2 trying to land a plane.
P1: We're not going to make it, landingbstrip is too short.
P2: Yes, but it is so wide...

 

[fresh_42]

BBQ 1988: Where's the beer?
BBQ 2018: What's your WLAN password?

 

[fresh_42]

"Darling, I'm back! I bought grapes."
"Don't they sell this instant-wine anymore?"

 

[jtbell]

BBQ 2018: What's your WLAN password?

My response: What's your MAC address?

 

[jtbell]

Two guys are ice fishing, sitting at adjacent holes in the ice. Guy #1 isn't having much luck, but guy #2 is pulling in one fish after another.

Guy #1: OK, what's your secret?
Guy #2: Mmmp mmmr mmmrms mmmrm.
Guy #1: Eh what?
Guy #2: [Turns and spits.] Keep your worms warm.

 

[jbriggs444]

Guy is out ice fishing with his son. He opens a can of peas and begins laying them on the ice all around the hole. His son asks why?

"When a fish comes up to take a pea, we get him".

With apologies to Garrison Keilor

 

[Borg]

That reminds me of a really lame one.

Why did the beauty contestant put peas in a blender?

Spoiler

Because she wanted whirled peas.

 

[Ibix]

Peas were one of the few things my son would reliably eat when he was little. He was happily scoffing a plate of them the day he was a year and a half old, so I explained to a friend that it was his eighteen month birthday and we were out on the peas.

 

[YoungPhysicist]

Why copper sulfate is blue? that’s because there is water in it’s molecules.
but why is the heart blue? That’s because I am.

 

[WWGD]

Two teenagers comparing their dads.
Teen1 :My dad's a hero
Teen2: He's not a hero, he's a nut.
Teen1 He's a hero, he stormed the beach at Normandy.
Teen2: He's a nut, he did last week. Alone.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

The cat is outdated!
Schrodinger's phone:
View attachment 230144
You can't tell if the screen is intacted or not until you pick it up

I like the phone better. The cat never made sense anyway ... The phone does!

 

[YoungPhysicist]

How many pairs of animals are there on Moses’ ark?

None.’cause Moses has no ark.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

How many pairs of animals are there on Moses’ ark?

None.’cause Moses has no ark.

That's not true. Moses's ark is the ark of the 10 commandments:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ark_of_the_Covenant

Now, pairs of animals though? Nope

 

[jtbell]

It was soooo cold outside...

that hitchhikers held up photos of their thumbs.

 

[DrGreg]

It was soooo cold outside...

that hitchhikers held up photos of their thumbs.

 

[fresh_42]

It was soooo cold outside...

that hitchhikers held up photos of their thumbs.

I start to combine this joke with the fact that the Russians in a town I once visited used a different signal, the one we usually use for "Please slow down! Danger ahead." If it was linked to the average temperature?

 

[Ibix]

It was soooo cold outside...

that hitchhikers held up photos of their thumbs.

...and brass monkeys were searching for welding equipment?

 

[jtbell]

Why shouldn't you get into a fight with Neil deGrasse Tyson?

Because he kicked Pluto out of the solar system.

[full credit/blame goes to the writers for The Big Bang Theory. ]

https://popculture.com/tv-shows/201...neil-degrasse-tyson-welcomes-season-premiere/

 

[YoungPhysicist]

Why does the gecko fell from the ceiling?

Because it is clapping it’s hands when it heard a lame joke.

 

[DrGreg]

Do the people who maintain Big Ben work all round the clock?

Image credit: Phooto at English Wikipedia, CC BY-SA 3.0

 

[davenn]

View attachment 231170
Do the people who maintain Big Ben work all round the clock?
Image credit: Phooto at English Wikipedia, CC BY-SA 3.0

hahaha

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[Ibix]

Do the people who maintain Big Ben work all round the clock?

It's wound electrically these days, but it used to be a three-man job (two turning the crank, one getting a break) for about six hours once a fortnight. So, seriously, you're not far off...

 

[davenn]

 

[Ibix]

Schoolboy error. The correct solution is to put the Scotch to one side, get on the bike, fall off, pick up the Scotch and cycle home. Unless you've been drinking, how likely is it that you'll fall off your bike twice in one day?