Collection of Lame Jokes

[davenn]

I am living a (slightly distorted) episode of Monty Python!??

naa, Fawlty Towers was another British comedy set as described by klystron

there weren't too many episodes in the series, but were quite funny

 

[Borg]

Basil Fawlty (John Cleese), owner of Fawlty Towers hotel

I always wondered where that reference came from.

 

[fresh_42]

Hey, guys, I'm glad you didn't mention the war.

 

[Ibix]

Hey, guys, I'm glad you didn't mention the war.

I did once, but I think I got away with it.

 

[jtbell]

A guy in an expensive business suit, eating a bag of chips, passes a pigeon on the street.

Pigeon: Nice suit.
Guy (surprised): Thank you.
Pigeon: Be a shame if something happened to it... leave those chips here.

 

[davenn]

 

[Klystron]

What do you get when you teach a bird of prey to talk?

A yaptor.

 

[jtbell]

What do you call a Himalayan beast of burden that can't sleep?

An insomniyak.

 

[Ibix]

Why do yaks go crazy in large numbers?

They're many-yaks

 

[fresh_42]

Why is the Dead Sea dead?

It had a severe depression!

 

[jtbell]

What do you call a yak that can't stop talking?

A yakety yak.

HEY! I LOVE Tibet! And those Himalayas! Wow! You just got to BE there, you know what I'm sayin'? UNbelievable! Sunrise! Sunrise in the Himalayas! That's something, I got to tell ya! And sunSET! Stand BACK! INCREDIBLE! Sunset may be even better than sunrise! Sunrise! Sunset! Middle of the day! ANY time's a great time in the Himmies! I call 'em the Himmies...

 

[Klystron]

What do we call the Shakespearean beast of burden?

A yaktor.

 

[Ibix]

What's a Himalayan beast of burden's favourite tune?

Yakety Sax.

Imagine the Benny Hill Show with yaks...

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Borg]

For everyone freezing in the U.S. right now.

 

[davenn]

 

[DrClaude]

For everyone freezing in the U.S. right now.

Units !

 

[fresh_42]

Units !

$°De$

 

[zuz]

Three horses are talking. First horse; "I won my last 5 races." Second horse; "So what. I won my last 10 races." Third horse; "Big deal. I won my last 20 races." There's a dog sitting in the corner listening. He chimes in "Well I've never lost a race in my life. Over 100 races." The horses all look at each other in stunned disbelief. Finally one turns to the others and says"Holy cow. A talking dog!"

 

[jtbell]

Janet's mom had four kids. She named the first one April, the second one May, and the third one June. What did she name the fourth one?

 

[zuz]

Janet

 

[Mark44]

When I was a young man, I worked in a circus as a human cannonball. After a month or so, the boss let me go, saying, "We're looking for someone of higher caliber."

 

[DrGreg]

...the boss let me go...

So you were fired?

 

[Stavros Kiri]

When I was a young man, I worked in a circus as a human cannonball. After a month or so, the boss let me go, saying, "We're looking for someone of higher caliber."

Been said before

 

[DaveC426913]

Been said before

Tough room.

 

[Mark44]

So you were fired?

Not after they let me go ...

Been said before

Thought it might have been, but wasn't sure.

Later, I wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but I missed my chance.

 

[256bits]

I have noticed, especially this winter that pretty much everyone has renounced their religion and have joined the brotherhood of monks.
You see, monks get to wear hoodies.

 

[Craftek_Ana]

Three logicians walk into a bar.
The barman asks: "Three beers?"
The first logician says "I don't know".
The second logician says "I don't know".
The third logician says "Yes".

 

[AlexCaledin]

Two Hamlets walked into a bar. The barman asked, "Two beer or not two beer?"

 

[nuuskur]

Right, could always go for three or more

 

[Ibix]

International Society of Procrastinators - Working Tomorrow For A Better Today!

 

[DrGreg]

International Society of Procrastinators

I was going to join as a member, but I never got round to it.

 

[Ibix]

I was going to join as a member, but I never got round to it.

You should follow their advertising slogan - "Join tomorrow!"

 

[Klystron]

International Society of Procrastinators - Working Tomorrow For A Better Today!

I was going to join as a member, but I never got round to it.

You should follow their advertising slogan - "Join tomorrow!"

Never do today what can be put off until tomorrow;
Since tomorrow is another day.

"Delay, obfuscate, and delay some more. If people needed this law, it would already be on the books." -- Proceedings from Parliament of Procrastination.

 

[fresh_42]

International Society of Procrastinators - Working Tomorrow For A Better Today!

I recently found my to-do-list of 2015. What shall I say? Still accurate!