Collection of Lame Jokes

[256bits]

Back to cooking. yes. And music.

One should need to know the difference between an onion and a banjo ( to become a great chef )

No one cries when you cut up a banjo.

 

[jack action]

If you drop a soap on the floor, is the floor clean or the soap dirty?

 

[DrClaude]

If you drop a soap on the floor, is the floor clean or the soap dirty?

https://dilbert.com/strip/1995-11-24

 

[Stavros Kiri]

View attachment 239454

"How much is it?"
"Installed or not?"

 

[Stavros Kiri]

If you drop a soap on the floor, is the floor clean or the soap dirty?

None. Just the floor slippery! ...

 

[davenn]

I studied a lot for my blood test. I got A+

 

[Ibix]

I studied a lot for my blood test. I got A+

I got O.

 

[davenn]

I got O.

awwww

 

[Mark44]

If you drop a soap on the floor, is the floor clean or the soap dirty?

Yes

 

[Mark44]

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna 1, Anna 2...

(I don't think it's particular to Spongebob, by the way. That's just the first link I found.)

Lawrence Welk was a bandleader who had a TV show here in the US for years from the 50s all the way into the 80s. He was very famous for always starting the band off with "And a 1 and a 2 ..."

 

[Mark44]

When I see names of couples in bark, I do not think "oh sweet," but "weird, whoever takes a knife to a date ..."

I do, for one. Victorinox. Handy for carving a pair of sets of initials in a tree, or removing a cork from a bottle of wine. It can even open a can or tighten a screw.

 

[fresh_42]

I got O.

Why are you sad? That's the only job in which you make more money if you're a complete null!

 

[fresh_42]

I do, for one. Victorinox. Handy for carving a pair of sets of initials in a tree, or removing a cork from a bottle of wine. It can even open a can or tighten a screw.

I see. Rule #9 – Never go anywhere without a knife.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

I got O.

But there's no actual F. Thus a test that no one fails!

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

This made me laugh ... "The Incredibles" movie is on TV at the moment and I just realized the similarities between
Edna Mode from The Incredibles

image courtesy of Walt Disney Pictures

And Hettie from " NCIS LA

image courtesy of
www.cbs.comThe hair, the face, the glasses and the short staturethat is incredible ! Dave

 

[256bits]

I do, for one. Victorinox. Handy for carving a pair of sets of initials in a tree, or removing a cork from a bottle of wine. It can even open a can or tighten a screw.

The jackknife was a staple possession for kids way back when.
A typical unit.

But not this

 

[DrClaude]

or tighten a screw.

In case your date has a screw loose?

 

[jack action]

• Step 1: Buy a 3D printer
• Step 2: Print a 3D printer
• Step 3: Return a 3D printer

 

[jack action]

If you are driving a Tesla and it gets stolen, is it now called an Edison?

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

Is this stuff really funny or am I just in a good mood and find everything funny today?

 

[Mark44]

If you are driving a Tesla and it gets stolen, is it now called an Edison?

I bought some pastries at a nearby European bakery today, but when I got home, I noticed they were stollen.

 

[Klystron]

I do, for one. Victorinox. Handy for carving a pair of sets of initials in a tree, or removing a cork from a bottle of wine. It can even open a can or tighten a screw.

I see. Rule #9 – Never go anywhere without a knife.

Quoting my revered great-grandmother when she gave me my first pocket knife, "A gentleman always carries a knife.".

 

[Ibix]

The jackknife was a staple possession for kids way back when.
A typical unit.

View attachment 239533But not this
View attachment 239534

How about this?

 

[Ibix]

In case your date has a screw loose?

According to the (now sadly defunct) webcomic Wasted Talent, you know you are dating an engineer when the answer to "is that a screwdriver in your pocket or...?" is "actually, it is a screwdriver".

 

[Ibix]

• Step 1: Buy a 3D printer
• Step 2: Print a 3D printer
• Step 3: Return a 3D printer

This is the plot of a sci-fi short story from years ago. I want to say Asimov, but I'm not sure. Parties unknown leave what amounts to a Star Trek replicator on the steps of a university. Yes there is more than one lying around. Yes you can duplicate one with another. The economists have a rather busy day rewriting their entire discipline...

 

[davenn]

 

[256bits]

How about this?

That's new for me.

 

[jtbell]

Seen on a sign in front of a barber shop today:

Get a trim today, or there'll be hell toupée.

 

[davenn]

I noticed they were stollen.

stollen ... I had to look that up

Stollen is a fruit bread of nuts, spices, and dried or candied fruit, coated with powdered sugar or icing sugar.
It is a traditional German bread eaten during the Christmas season, when it is called Weihnachtsstollen or Christstollen.

 

[davenn]

Seen on a sign in front of a barber shop today: Get a trim today, or there'll be hell toupée.

hahaha

my wife is always hassling me to get a hair cut ... I tell her when there is so little left, I treasure it all

 

[fresh_42]

 

[davenn]

oops