Collection of Lame Jokes

[davenn]

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yummy :)

 

[fresh_42]

oops

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Reminds me of the standard question of a computer support department I once knew:
Client: "My laptop crashed."
Hotline: "How high?"

(... and they weren't joking, it was normally exactly what had happened.)

 

[Mark44]

my wife is always hassling me to get a hair cut

While you're there, might as well get them all cut...

 

[davenn]

While you're there, might as well get them all cut...

said to the boss " I would like to leave 30 mins early today for a hair cut"

He said " but it didn't all grow during work time"

I replied " I'm not getting it all cut off"

 

[Ibix]

While you're there, might as well get them all cut...

A teacher once told us he'd got a hair cut, to which one of my classmates chirped "Really Sir? Which one?" Amazingly, he survived saying it.

 

[Stavros Kiri]

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Seefood diet again! ...

 

[davenn]

 

[fresh_42]

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Ouch!

 

[davenn]

Ouch!

not sure how to respond to that ?
maybe ...

Spoiler: putin on the ritz

Puttin' On the Ritz

"Puttin' On the Ritz" is a song written by Irving Berlin. He wrote it in May 1927 and first published it on December 2, 1929.

 

[fresh_42]

not sure how to respond to that ?
maybe ...

Spoiler: putin on the ritz

Puttin' On the Ritz
View attachment 239838
"Puttin' On the Ritz" is a song written by Irving Berlin. He wrote it in May 1927 and first published it on December 2, 1929.

I know, that's why it hurts.

But as I once have been told: in this category "lame is everything".

 

[BillTre]

The Capitol Steps (a Washington DC based musical comedy group) also has a version of that song.

 

[Ibix]

Thanks for the earworm, guys...

 

[BillTre]

 

[strangerep]

A teacher once told us he'd got a hair cut, to which one of my classmates chirped "Really Sir? Which one?" Amazingly, he survived saying it.

An unpleasant mostly-bald elderly (curmudgeonly) university tutor arrived a bit late for one of my tutorials. He didn't apologize -- he just grunted that he'd been for a haircut. One of the other students said: "Really, sir? You got ripped off -- they didn't take the boogers out of your nose first."

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1,500!" she cried,"$1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1,500."

 

[fresh_42]

 

[jack action]

 

[nuuskur]

 

[Klystron]

Alternate captions:
"Not so funny now, are you Bugs Bunny! Nothing to say, hey?"

Fox news hires a new intern.

 

[jtbell]

"I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

In other words, it's an ex-duck.

 

[fresh_42]

"This parrot duck is dead!"
"No, it isn't."
"Yes, it is."
etc.

 

[davenn]

"This parrot duck is dead!"
"No, it isn't."
"Yes, it is."
etc.

"...if you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies by now"

 

[Stavros Kiri]

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If you're blue ... trying hard to look like Gary Cooper ...

 

[fresh_42]

 

[fresh_42]

"Excuse me, I'm looking for the station."

"I forgive you, go ahead and look for it."

I like to help.

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[scottdave]

Here is a pic that a friend shared with me, showing a student's attempt at answering a question concerning transformers. Either the student misunderstood, or was just trying to be funny.

Not sure about the lame joke part. It is funny though.

 

[nuuskur]

6 out of 7 dwarves aren’t Happy.

Very trivial stuff, wouldn't you say? :D

 

[fresh_42]

If police pulls me over and says "papers". Will I win if I answer "scissors"?

 

[mfb]

No, you need to show papers to avoid losing. That makes the police rock, I guess?

 

[Borg]

Saw this on a fellow sysadmin's profile today.

 

[fresh_42]

Saw this on a fellow sysadmin's profile today.

View attachment 240136

http://bofh.bjash.com/

 

[davenn]

Here is a pic that a friend shared with me, showing a student's attempt at answering a question concerning transformers. Either the student misunderstood, or was just trying to be funny.
View attachment 240127
Not sure about the lame joke part. It is funny though.

would have suited science jokes