Collection of Lame Jokes

[DrGreg]

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load.

Roget's customers are now lost for words.

 

[Ibix]

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyses,
dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded,
amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed

They're going to adapt Roget's Thesaurus for the big screen. It'll be called "Thesaurus: The Movie, Film, Picture, Flick".

(Always cite your sources: Milton Jones, I think)

 

[Ibix]

Related: one way to estimate a librarian or bookseller's experience level is to ask for a copy of Roger's Dinosaur and see if they start searching the children's fiction section or go directly to reference books.

 

[nuuskur]

View attachment 248496

It's fine as long as there is visual confirmation of the location of spider. This picture is testament to the fact that problems start once you no longer see the spider :D

 

[BillTre]

 

[Klystron]

[...]problems start once you no longer see the spider :D

The solution to this problem involves music accompanied by body language and signs:

"The inky-binky Spider crawled up the water spout." {Stand straight. Wave your fingers upright in the air to simulate climbing.}

"Down came the rain and washed the spider out" {Frown. Lower your arms and wiggle your fingers downward.}

"Out came the Sun and dried up all the rain." {Smile and lift your fingers in a circle.}

"And the inky-binky Spider climbed up the spout, again." {Stand tall. Wave your hands in the air, triumphant.}

Witness the Spider's dilemma. From YouTube.

 

[WWGD]

I don't know where my sister wants to go. I guess Alaska .

 

[DrGreg]

I don't know where my sister wants to go. I guess Alaska .

My sister went to the West Indies.
Jamaica?
No, she wanted to go.

(A very old joke, paraphrased)

 

[WWGD]

My sister went to the West Indies.
Jamaica?
No, she wanted to go.

(A very old joke, paraphrased)

Addition of jokes: I don't know where my sister wants to go. I guess Alaska. If she won't tell you, Jamaica.

 

[davenn]

ohhhh dear hahaha

 

[fresh_42]

ohhhh dear hahaha

View attachment 248550

Good price!

 

[davenn]

 

[jtbell]

Man #1: Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's...

<splat>

Man #2: (while #1 wipes off his eyeglasses) You were right the first time.

 

[davenn]

 

[jack action]

 

[fresh_42]

"Oh, oh, the dark forces are coming over me!"
"Have you spilled the coffee again?"

 

[fresh_42]

(https://www.ladenzeile.de/wohnaccessoires/dekoration/tuer/schilder/blech/)

 

[jack action]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[WWGD]

Nostradamus knew I was going to make this joke...

 

[Ibix]

What's a snake's favourite subject?

Hissstory.

 

[jack action]

Another password joke:

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

 

[fresh_42]

Yesterday I played chess against my little eight-year-old daughter. She was playing for the first time.
Of course I beat her.

But only because the lousy pita has won.

 

[Ibix]

Yesterday I played chess against my little eight-year-old daughter. She was playing for the first time.
Of course I beat her.

But only because the lousy pita has won.

I think that would work better as "won the game" rather than "has won". (YMMV on whether beating your child because she beat you at chess is funny, but the play on "beat" is clearer).

 

[fresh_42]

I think that would work better as "won the game" rather than "has won". (YMMV on whether beating your child because she beat you at chess is funny, but the play on "beat" is clearer).

I used Google translate, double checked. Mainly to get "kleine Pissnelke" translated, but this was in vain. Yeah, beating your child was an issue I had also trouble with. Finally I thought it is like ego-shooter video games: it only happened to electrons, not real persons. Of course I would have beaten her. On the board, of course.

 

[nuuskur]

I used Google translate, double checked. Mainly to get "kleine Pissnelke" translated, but this was in vain. Yeah, beating your child was an issue I had also trouble with. Finally I thought it is like ego-shooter video games: it only happened to electrons, not real persons. Of course I would have beaten her. On the board, of course.

That is like..waaay above my paygrade.

 

[Klystron]

I used Google translate, double checked. Mainly to get "kleine Pissnelke" translated, but this was in vain. Yeah, beating your child was an issue I had also trouble with. Finally I thought it is like ego-shooter video games: it only happened to electrons, not real persons. Of course I would have beaten her. On the board, of course.

In colloquial but archaic American English "little pissant" sounds close but the expression is pejorative and exclusively masculine; at least I have never heard the term "pissant" applied to a girl much less a woman since the insult implies an immature male.

Nelke translates literally as Carnation on my machine. So, my "sweet little flower" let me win?

 

[fresh_42]

In colloquial but archaic American English "little pissant" sounds close but the expression is pejorative and exclusively masculine; at least I have never heard the term "pissant" applied to a girl much less a woman since the insult implies an immature male.

Nelke translates literally as Carnation on my machine. So, my "sweet little flower" let me win?

Well, depends on how much sarcasm lies in the "sweet" part. Although carnation is true and which is why it is an insult for females, it is still an insult; the rest of the word does not need a translation. The flower only softens the insult a bit. However, I wouldn't use it and definitely not on strangers. But as the entire story, it's not real, so the words shall only transport the mood.

 

[Klystron]

With apologies to Joyce Kilmer

I think that I shall never see,​

A poem as lovely as your knee.​

A knee whose flesh lies softly prest,​

Against thy sweet and flowing breast.​

​

 

[fresh_42]

 

[strangerep]

But only because the lousy pita has won.

PITA? Pain In The A**e?

 

[fresh_42]

PITA? Pain In The A**e?

The closest I came with dictionaries to translate the insult in german slang.

 

[fresh_42]

Does anyone have the phone number of that witch from Snow White? I need some apples.