Collection of Lame Jokes

[Ibix]

In a similar vein, how dangerous is Richard Sharpe? Put it like this - he survived the Napoleonic wars while being played by Sean Bean.

 

[davenn]

In a similar vein, how dangerous is Richard Sharpe? Put it like this - he survived the Napoleonic wars while being played by Sean Bean.

not familiar with that one

 

[Ibix]

not familiar with that one

Sean Bean has something of a reputation for playing characters who get killed, even when he's not the bad guy - Ned Stark and Boromir are the famous ones, but a quick look through his IMDB page will find a lot more.

Sharpe is the eponymous hero a series of historical military fiction novels by Bernard Cornwell (fun and broadly accurate, if rather formulaic), made into a TV series staring Sean Bean. It's been observed that surviving the whole peninsula campaign requires an impressive degree of toughness or luck - doing it while being played by Sean Bean, doubly so.

 

[mjc123]

He played Odysseus in "Troy", who survived. (Went on to star in a whole new epic, in fact - Odysseus that is, not Bean.)

 

[Ibix]

He played Odysseus in "Troy", who survived. (Went on to star in a whole new epic, in fact - Odysseus that is, not Bean.)

Odysseus, like Sharpe, survived a war. And a twenty-odd year voyage home with most of the Olympian gods out to get him. Being played by Sean Bean was just one more challenge after all that...

 

[fresh_42]

Just read: Every German drinks a bathtub full of alcohol per year.

Great, and I still drink from bottles.

 

[jtbell]

Vermont town puts up speed signs that tell drivers if they are 'naughty' or 'nice' (cnn.com)

You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I'm telling you why: Santa Claus is watching you drive!

 

[DrGreg]

A joke based on a Christmas carol.

To appreciate this, you'll need to recognise the tune before you look at the punchline. Even if you don't read music, hopefully you can still work out the tune by looking at how the uppermost notes go up and down.

Spoiler: The punchline

Spoiler: I don't get it

The First Noel

 

[WWGD]

They are building a highway from the Bering Strait to the capital of Alaska. Did Juneau that?

 

[DaveC426913]

A joke based on a Christmas carol.

To appreciate this, you'll need to recognise the tune before you look at the punchline. Even if you don't read music, hopefully you can still work out the tune by looking at how the uppermost notes go up and down.

Ok, you got me.

 

[DaveC426913]

They are building a highway from the Bering Strait to the capital of Alaska. Did Juneau that?

I visited Juneau last year. Beautiful temperate rainforest.

There are no roads into Juneau. They have their own sense of humour about their sitch:

There are three - and only three - ways into Juneau: by airplane, by ship and by birth canal.

 

[davenn]

Did Juneau that?

I visited Juneau last year. Beautiful temperate rainforest.

I was there this last September, a nice place.
Spent $1000 on an Alaska gold nugget for the wife's anniversary pressie.

Nice, but the main port is totally there for the cruise ships and tourists, once you get out of there,
there is some wonderful scenery.

There are three - and only three - ways into Juneau: by airplane, by ship and by birth canal.

Yup
Ours was by cruise ship
Dave

 

[davenn]

I saw a sign in Home Depot in the plumbing isle that read, "Cast Iron Sinks".
I thought, "Any fool knows that!"

 

[davenn]

Just finished a very captivating book,
"Prison Security" by Barb Dwyer.Maybe this needs a spoiler ??

Spoiler: Prison Security

Barb Dwyer --- barbed wire

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

Seasonal Festivities

 

[WWGD]

Seasonal Festivities

View attachment 254524

Merry Christma-Hannu-Kwaanza-Dan.
I remember the yearly good holiday wishes email I used to get from my school;" Merry Christmas or whatever it is you celebrate". Heart warming.

 

[DaveC426913]

Merry Christmas or whatever it is you celebrate". Heart warming.

That's bigoted. It's quite celebratist.

Offensive to JWs, as it presumes one celebrates.

 

[DaveC426913]

I was there this last September, a nice place.

Missed you by just weeks! I was there in August. Via the MSC Volendam.

 

[WWGD]

Missed you by just weeks! I was there in August. Via the MSC Volendam.
View attachment 254553

I missed him by much more than that: never been there ;).

 

[jim mcnamara]

Back to lame jokes, definitely NOT gold lame. $^7$

One who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.One who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.One who eats many prunes gets good run for money.

 

[jim mcnamara]

$^7$ gold lame fabric

...since this is a lame joke thread

 

[jack action]

A QA engineer walks into a bar.

Orders a beer;

Orders 0 beers;

Orders 99999999999 beers;

Orders a lizard;

Orders -1 beers;

Orders a uivhjkjasr.

First real customer walks in and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flame, killing everyone.

 

[Mark44]

Where do you plant pastry chefs?

Spoiler

In Bakersfield*.

*California

 

[Mark44]

I dropped a copy of "A Christmas Carol" on my foot.

It hurt like the dickens...

 

[Mark44]

What do Attila the Hun and Kermit the Frog have in common?

They both have the same middle name.

 

[Mark44]

I told my wife I was going to sell our vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was collecting dust.

 

[Mark44]

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

Supplies!

 

[Mark44]

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick...

 

[davenn]

 

[jtbell]

What do Attila the Hun and Kermit the Frog have in common?

They both have the same middle name.

But not if one is short for, say, "Theodore" and the other for "Theodosius"...

 

[fresh_42]

But not if one is short for, say, "Theodore" and the other for "Theodosius"...

We need an expert in aristocracy.

• Attila The Hun - Mongolian aristocracy
• Eric The Red - Norwegian aristocracy
• Henry The Eighth - British aristocracy
• Ivan The Terrible - Russian aristocracy
• Kermit The Frog - American aristocracy

 

[Bystander]

What's red and bad for your teeth?

Have you been drinking?

 

[fresh_42]

Have you been drinking?

No, I always drive this way to avoid snipers.

 

[Mark44]

Have you been drinking?

As a matter of fact, no. My intent was to liven up this forum section with same actual, albeit lame, jokes.