Collection of Lame Jokes

[dkotschessaa]

The tachyon leaves. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." A tachyon walks into a bar.

Interesting side note. My nephew (13 years old, very bright) was home sick from school today. He actually doesn't like being home from school. I texted him this joke and told him his homework today was to explain it. So I got him googling and such and eventually he figured it out. Made for an interesting exchange of messages and he did learn something. :)

 

[jtbell]

Boss: How did you happen to lose that guy you were tailing?

Detective: Well, we were in that neighborhood where all the airline offices are, and he just walked around a corner and disappeared into Finnair.

 

[FlexGunship]

Boss: How did you happen to lose that guy you were tailing?

Detective: Well, we were in that neighborhood where all the airline offices are, and he just walked around a corner and disappeared into Finnair.

 

[nismaratwork]

No... more... puns... *death rattle*

 

[FlexGunship]

No... more... puns... *death rattle*

 

[nismaratwork]

Hmmmm... I think I might try that sometime.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

I went to my favorite watering hole and ordered a shot and a beer. The bartender Jake says to me "Jimmy, you've put on a lot of weight, you don't look good at all." "I know" say I, "I would do anything to look better, but I can't diet, in fact, I eat more and more these days. You would too if you had my worries." Jake is a kindly bartender who will pretend to be interested in anyone's problems if it will help to sell alcohol. "What worries you?". I explained that my daughter wants to marry a Catholic boy. "I'm sorry to hear it" says Jake, "It's tough for a Jewish father, but you aren't very religious, do you really care that much?" "No", I reply, "the problem is the constant bickering. My daughter insists on having a Jewish ceremony and the boy wants a Catholic one. Where am I going to find anyone who can do both?". Says Jake "Cheer up, I'm sure there's some solution to your problem." "Don't make me laugh Jake, because that would be the funniest thing in the world." Just then a priest, a rabbi, and a girdle salesman walked into the bar.

 

[FlexGunship]

I went to my favorite watering hole and ordered a shot and a beer. The bartender Jake says to me "Jimmy, you've put on a lot of weight, you don't look good at all." "I know" say I, "I would do anything to look better, but I can't diet, in fact, I eat more and more these days. You would too if you had my worries." Jake is a kindly bartender who will pretend to be interested in anyone's problems if it will help to sell alcohol. "What worries you?". I explained that my daughter wants to marry a Catholic boy. "I'm sorry to hear it" says Jake, "It's tough for a Jewish father, but you aren't very religious, do you really care that much?" "No", I reply, "the problem is the constant bickering. My daughter insists on having a Jewish ceremony and the boy wants a Catholic one. Where am I going to find anyone who can do both?". Says Jake "Cheer up, I'm sure there's some solution to your problem." "Don't make me laugh Jake, because that would be the funniest thing in the world." Just then a priest, a rabbi, and a girdle salesman walked into the bar.

Niiiiice...

Guy walks into the bar, and says: "Bartender, get me 7 shots of Glenlivet." The bartender starts to pour the shots, and the guy starts drinking them almost as fast as he can pour!

The bartender is pouring the fourth shot when he says: "Geeze, buddy, you sure are drinking quickly." And the guy says: "You would too, if you had what I had!"

The bartender is intrigued, and pours the last shot just as the guy finishes it. Bartender says: "Well, what have you got?"

Guy says: "Uh, like, three bucks."

 

[BobG]

I went to my favorite watering hole and ordered a shot and a beer. The bartender Jake says to me "Jimmy, you've put on a lot of weight, you don't look good at all." "I know" say I, "I would do anything to look better, but I can't diet, in fact, I eat more and more these days. You would too if you had my worries." Jake is a kindly bartender who will pretend to be interested in anyone's problems if it will help to sell alcohol. "What worries you?". I explained that my daughter wants to marry a Catholic boy. "I'm sorry to hear it" says Jake, "It's tough for a Jewish father, but you aren't very religious, do you really care that much?" "No", I reply, "the problem is the constant bickering. My daughter insists on having a Jewish ceremony and the boy wants a Catholic one. Where am I going to find anyone who can do both?". Says Jake "Cheer up, I'm sure there's some solution to your problem." "Don't make me laugh Jake, because that would be the funniest thing in the world." Just then a priest, a rabbi, and a girdle salesman walked into the bar.

You're a god! A minor god, maybe, but you're still a god!

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

A minor god

What do I have to DO!

 

[nismaratwork]

I went to my favorite watering hole and ordered a shot and a beer. The bartender Jake says to me "Jimmy, you've put on a lot of weight, you don't look good at all." "I know" say I, "I would do anything to look better, but I can't diet, in fact, I eat more and more these days. You would too if you had my worries." Jake is a kindly bartender who will pretend to be interested in anyone's problems if it will help to sell alcohol. "What worries you?". I explained that my daughter wants to marry a Catholic boy. "I'm sorry to hear it" says Jake, "It's tough for a Jewish father, but you aren't very religious, do you really care that much?" "No", I reply, "the problem is the constant bickering. My daughter insists on having a Jewish ceremony and the boy wants a Catholic one. Where am I going to find anyone who can do both?". Says Jake "Cheer up, I'm sure there's some solution to your problem." "Don't make me laugh Jake, because that would be the funniest thing in the world." Just then a priest, a rabbi, and a girdle salesman walked into the bar.

Needs trimming, but I like where you're going with this.

 

[nismaratwork]

What do I have to DO!

That's the line in a movie that causes the evil spirit to whisper, "kiiiiilllll for meeeeeee..."

I'd go for a sandwich though, and if you like I'll start calling you Prophet Snyder.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Needs trimming.

It has as many words as I require, no more and no less. Which ones did you have in mind?

 

[nismaratwork]

It has as many words as I require, no more and no less. Which ones did you have in mind?

"Tuba"
"Aquifer"
"Quietly"
"Heme"

 

[dkotschessaa]

A photon walks into a bar. "Go away," says the bartender, "we don't serve light beer."

 

[dkotschessaa]

A computer walks into a bar with 1024 megabytes telling bad jokes. "What are you doing?" the bartender demands. "These jokes are awful!" "Sorry," says the computer, "but it's the only gig I've got."

 

[EnumaElish]

Gravity walks into a coffeehouse. "Go away," says the barista, "we don't serve weak coffee here."

 

[Borek]

Two bats hang from the branch. "I don't want to get old" says one. "Why?" "I am afraid of urinary incontinence."

 

[Kevin_Axion]

What do you do with dead chemists?


Barium.

 

[EnumaElish]

Danny was born to fish people -- that's how they described themselves to outsiders, often from behind a wan smile. His father, his uncles, his cousins and his nephews were fishermen. They joked to each other (too readily and too often, Danny would say) about growing scales, fins, and gills on their backs. Danny was different; he liked to step on, be on, and live on dry land. Where they lived, not being a fisherman meant choosing between moving away and getting hired by the other local employer, the prison system. Danny also liked Molly's laughter. You see, they had practically grown up together, he and Molly, and it didn't matter to him that most everybody thought she was a little crazy. Not lock-her-up crazy, you understand, but in this loud-speaking, hand-n-arm-waving, they'll-hear-what-I've-got-to-say way of crazy. And that was part of why Danny liked Molly; her laughter was the other part. In fact, when he heard her laughter he felt (as much as he did not, and would not admit it to no-one, and admitted barely to himself) as if the land, the sea, and the sky joined together and took on a purpose that they had long-forgotten. And Molly didn't look like or sound like she was going to move anywhere anytime soon. That's the long and the short of why Danny stayed and became a prison-bus driver. One day, he was driving the empty bus when he saw Molly riding her bicycle along the road. He caught with her, then slowed down. She stopped; he stopped. He opened the passenger door and called to her: "Hey Molly, want to ride in my bus?" Molly smiled and said: "Men driving shiny, sporty cars asked me to ride with them, and I turned them down -- most of them, anyway. What makes you think that I'd get off my bike and get on your old bus?" Danny was silent for a second or two; then, "Come on," he said, "people rob, steal, and kill to get on this bus!" And that's when she laughed.

 

[Lancelot59]

What do you do with dead chemists?


Barium.

HA! I like that one.

 

[Kevin_Axion]

What do you do with dead chemists?

Helium (It's endless, so many elements sound like verbs).

 

[jtbell]

Years and years ago, when I was in high school, our chemistry teacher gave us a quiz based on element puns like this. They must be all over the web now.

Well-driller's chant: boron

Prometheum anything, but give her Arpége.

 

[Lacy33]

Proof that Men Remember

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his Cocoa , 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring

and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.'

 

[drizzle]

OMG

 

[IMP]

Blondes With Hammers...

Carol and Donna, were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”

Carol explained, “When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.”

Donna got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!”

 

[Lancelot59]

Proof that Men Remember

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his Cocoa , 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring

and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out today.'

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

 

[klimatos]

A young assistant zookeeper at the San Diego Zoo was given his first opportunity to run his own park. It was a small city-owned park in the Midwest; and, quite frankly, did not have much to offer.

Its chief claim to fame was a large, elderly, and extremely tame lion named Leo. During the daytime hours, Leo was given the run of the park. His favorite activity was to stretch full-length across a sunny patch on one of the parks many walks and take naps. Both staff and visitors were accustomed to either walk around him or (if their legs were long enough) step over him. Young boys, of course, would try to leap over him—not always successfully. Leo was unfazed. He would simply raise his majestic head, give the offender a long penetrating look, and then lower his head and continue with his nap.

Like all such zoos, this one was visited by dozens of school groups during the school year. One day our young director got an agitated call from one of the teachers who was heading such a group. She said that she and her class had been watching the porpoises in the porpoise tank; and were shocked to see that the animals were having sex right out in the open. Something had to be done, she said, and NOW!

Having never encountered this problem before, our young director immediately put in a call to his mentor back at the San Diego Zoo. “What should I do?” he pleaded. “Well,” said the mentor, “porpoises usually engage in excessive sex only when they’re bored. What do you have in the tank with them? Sea lions? Sea otters?” “Nothing yet,“ said our young friend, “but I have plans as soon as the budget allows.”

“Do you have any sea birds?” asked his mentor. “Oh, yes!” said our young friend. “We have all kinds of gulls, terns and boobies over in the aviary.” “Okay,” says the mentor “put some of those in with the porpoises. That should do the trick for the time being.”

With heartfelt thanks, our young friend hung up the phone and immediately hurried over to the aviary, stepping over Leo who was stretched out in a sunny spot immediately in front of the entrance to the Aviary. Gathering about a dozen gulls in a couple of transport cages, he started over toward the porpoise tank, stepping over Leo once more.

No sooner had he done so, then two FBI agents leaped out of the nearby bushes and put him under arrest. “What for?” he cried. “Violation of the Mann Act!” the senior agent replied. “You were caught red-handed!” I don’t understand!”, the young director pleaded.

Crowed the senior agent, “Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immoral porpoises!

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Here's a lame one.

People are too paranoid these days. I would like to live in a world where a chicken's motives for travel aren't questioned.

 

[Max™]

Why did the lame chicken cross the road?

The road was a secant of the circle followed by the bird as it hobbled around.

 

[Barrett1]

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
Lollllllllllllllllllllllllz :D

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Is this really coffee? It tastes like mud.
No sir, that would be the tea. The coffee tastes like turpentine.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

This one's been done more than once. So let me redo it.

Anti-atom 1: I lost a positron!
Anti-atom 2: Are sure?
Anti-atom 3: I'm negative!

 

[nismaratwork]

"Lincoln Lincoln I've been thinkin'
What the hell have you been drinkin'?
Is it whisky? Is it Wine?
Oh my god it's turpentine!"

A variation I've heard:

"Lincoln Lincoln I've been thinking:
If the world were made of glass;
Everybody in creation'd
fall and slide upon their Lincoln Lincoln... (repeat)"

 

[nismaratwork]

I don't know if this has been posted or not... possibly by me!

"Tommy was a chemist, but he isn't any more. For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4."