Collection of Lame Jokes

[wrobel]

View attachment 271020

long ago as a schoolboy I was taught that "them" was not applied to inanimate objects. But further communicating with native English speakers I discovered that it is not true

 

[mfb]

What would your teacher write instead of "where are houses when you need them"?

 

[wrobel]

What would your teacher write instead of "where are houses when you need them"?

I do not know I can not conduct spiritualistic sessions

 

[mfb]

Well, you remember the teacher didn't want to use "them". Maybe you remember what the teacher used instead?

 

[phinds]

What would your teacher write instead of "where are houses when you need them"?

Where are houses when you need the damned things?

 

[fresh_42]

What would your teacher write instead of "where are houses when you need them"?

Where the houses when you need a roof over your head?

 

[Fervent Freyja]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 272309

And do not plant daisies!

 

[Fervent Freyja]

And do not plant daisies!

Why not? My favorite flower! Wild, free and simply beautiful!

 

[fresh_42]

Why not? My favorite flower! Wild, free and simply beautiful!

Yes, but if you plant them where you have hidden a body that shall not be found, then everybody can see that someone is pushing daisies there,

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[Keith_McClary]

(EDIT: Although, polar bears have appeared 3000 m high, in the middle of the Greenland Ice Sheet more than 300 km from the nearest coast.)

 

[WWGD]

 

[DaveC426913]

Q: What's Yoda's last name?

Spoiler: A:

Layheehoo

 

[WWGD]

 

[mfb]

Cargo space?

Musk: Hold my Falcon Heavy

(see my avatar)

 

[etotheipi]

 

[BillTre]

I recall a car guys episode (on NPR) where a Möbius fan belt was used on some German car.
Having twice as long side in contact with the pulleys was supposed to prolong its life.

 

[Jarvis323]

 

[etotheipi]

View attachment 272375

 

[phinds]

 

[jack action]

What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?

Spoiler: Answer

Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.

 

[gmax137]

Do you think ignorance, or apathy, is a bigger problem today?

Spoiler

I don't know, and I don't care.

 

[DrGreg]

Do you think ignorance, or apathy, is a bigger problem today?

Spoiler

I don't know, and I don't care.

Last week I thought procrastination was the problem, but I've been putting off saying so.

 

[jtbell]

How do you run a fowl of the law in Yellowstone National Park?

By cooking a chicken in one of the hot springs.

 

[Jarvis323]

I'm not sure if this goes here. Maybe it should go in the weird news compilation, but this has me laughing more than I have in years. I just bought a commemorative t-shirt.

 

[jtbell]

Staffer #1: "We need to hold a press conference. Where would be a good place for it?"

Staffer #2: "The Four Seasons [Hotel] would be nice." [raises voice] "Alexa, call Four Seasons for me!"

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[BillTre]

Staffer #1: "We need to hold a press conference. Where would be a good place for it?"

Staffer #2: "The Four Seasons [Hotel] would be nice." [raises voice] "Alexa, call Four Seasons for me!"

Interestingly, The Four Seasons Total Landscaping location had a crematorium on one side and a Fantasy Island adult store on the other.
Nice Setting!

 

[Greg Bernhardt]

Reminder that politics jokes are banned, thanks!

 

[phinds]

 

[Ibix]

Did you know bagels have star signs? They're all Tauruses.

 

[fresh_42]