Collection of Lame Jokes

[fresh_42]

 

[Keith_McClary]

View attachment 272511

and before taking selfies.

 

[davenn]

 

[nsaspook]

Lame, there are B batteries.

 

[phinds]

Lame, there are B batteries.

Not to any appreciable extent in the US. In GB they are sometimes used.

 

[phinds]

Besides which, B batteries are very difficult for stutterers to order.

Clerk: what do you want.
Customer: I w-want b-batteries p-please
Clerk: sure, what size?
Customer: b-batteries
Clerk: yes, I understand, but what SIZE?
.
.
.

 

[WWGD]

Lame, there are B batteries.

But why there no B 'R' batteries?

 

[WWGD]

Evidence of voting irregularities found:

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[nsaspook]

Besides which, B batteries are very difficult for stutterers to order.

Clerk: what do you want.
Customer: I w-want b-batteries p-please
Clerk: sure, what size?
Customer: b-batteries
Clerk: yes, I understand, but what SIZE?
.
.
.

 

[davenn]

Lame, there are B batteries.

Not to any appreciable extent in the US. In GB they are sometimes used.

Nor in Oz or NZ
I actually had to google B Battery to see what they looked like ... appears to be several variations

 

[phinds]

Nor in Oz or NZ
I actually had to google B Battery to see what they looked like ... appears to be several variations

For those who don't know, "OZ" is what we in The US call "AU" (Australia)

 

[fresh_42]

I found out ...

... but went back in again.

 

[sysprog]

Before I speak, I have something important to say. $-$ Groucho

 

[Stavros Kiri]

Before I speak, I have something important to say. $-$ Groucho

Would that be before or after uttering it?

 

[sysprog]

Would that be before or after uttering it?

It would be Groucho $-$ "Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."

 

[BillTre]

Also:
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog its too dark to read."

 

[Keith_McClary]

Inside of a dog its too dark to read.

You can get an endoscope camera with a light (so that homework excuse is no good anymore).

 

[mfb]

My dog ate my homework but luckily I have the endoscope!

Spoiler

Please return both after you graded my homework.

 

[WWGD]

Also:
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog its too dark to read."

I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. No idea why the elephant was in my pajamas.

 

[WWGD]

 

[BillTre]

For some reason, I often think of Groucho and Yogi Berra jokes as similar in some way:

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
Could have many meanings, but was given as actual directions. Choosing either of the forks in the road lead to the correct destination.

"It's like déjà vu all over again."
"You can observe a lot by just watching."
"Baseball is ninety percent mental and the other half is physical."
"If you don't know where you are going, you'll end up someplace else."
"The future ain't what it used to be."

 

[Ibix]

"The future ain't what it used to be."

Nostalgia's not as good as it was either.

 

[BillTre]

 

[sysprog]

For some reason, I often think of Groucho and Yogi Berra jokes as similar in some way:

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
Could have many meanings, but was given as actual directions. Choosing either of the forks in the road lead to the correct destination.

"It's like déjà vu all over again."
"You can observe a lot by just watching."
"Baseball is ninety percent mental and the other half is physical."
"If you don't know where you are going, you'll end up someplace else."
"The future ain't what it used to be."

A favorite from Berra: It's too co-incidental to be a co-incidence.

 

[BillTre]

A favorite from Berra: It's too co-incidental to be a co-incidence.

That's a good one.
I hadn't heard of it!

 

[WWGD]

Nostalgia's not as good as it was either.

That restaurant is too crowded, no one goes there anymore.

 

[WWGD]

I don't know if this is by Berra, but I just remembered it:

Guy driving gets stopped by a cop.
Cop: " Don't you know this is a one-way street?"
Guy: " I am only going one way".

 

[phinds]

I don't know if this is by Berra, but I just remembered it:

Guy driving gets stopped by a cop.
Cop: " Don't you know this is a one-way street?"
Guy: " I am only going one way".

That's almost as bad as this from Stephen Wright:
Cop: "You know the speed limit here is 40 miles per hour?"
Guy: "Well, I wasn't going to be out that long."

 

[jtbell]

I just found out that today is National Pickle Day. I guess this means they're a rilly big dill.

 

[jtbell]

It would be Groucho "Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."

From Duck Soup:

Mrs. Teasdale (Margaret Dumont): The eyes of the world are upon you. Notables from every country are gathered here in your honor. This is a gala day for you.

Rufus T. Firefly (Groucho): Well, a gal a day is enough for me. I don't think I could handle any more.

 

[davenn]

 

[phinds]

That reminds me of a friend of mine who was given a book on prognostication. Now he, like me, does not believe in aliens, ghosts, Nostradamus, etc, so he figured it would be a waste of time and was going to toss it but since it was given to him by a friend he figured he had to at least crack it so he could tell his buddy that he had started it.

He said it was an amazing experience. After have scanned just 3 pages of this book on prognostication, which he does not believe in, he said that he was able to make a 100% guaranteed prognostication of his own, which was ...

Spoiler: the prognosticaion:

I'm not going to finish this book.

 

[Ibix]

Arms for your chair are chairs for your arms.