Collection of Lame Jokes

[BillTre]

 

[fresh_42]

Customer: What can you recommend, today?
Waiter: We have tongue on our menu. Very delicious!
Customer: Are you nuts? I don't eat what others had in their mouth! Bring me some ham and eggs.

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 274176

The alt text on this is hilarious: I believe in getting immunity the old-fashioned way: By letting a bat virus take control of my lungs and turn my face into a disgusting plague fountain while my immune system desperately Googles 'how to make spike protein antibodies'.

 

[davenn]

It’s crazy how beavers just see running water
and just think to themselves “well someone has to put a stop to this”.

 

[davenn]

 

[WWGD]

I think they were asking for the date...

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[Ibix]

It’s crazy how beavers just see running water
and just think to themselves “well someone has to put a stop to this”.

https://www.physicsforums.com/threads/for-animal-lovers.583729/post-6414870

 

[jack action]

I went on a website to help me loose weight and they asked me if I accept cookies ...

Are they kidding me?!

 

[jack action]

 

[Keith_McClary]

It’s crazy how beavers just see running water
and just think to themselves “well someone has to put a stop to this”.

Actually, it's the noise that bothers them. Sound really carries well under water. Because physics.

 

[mfb]

I think they were asking for the date...

I wouldn't date a smoke detector either.

 

[WWGD]

I wouldn't date a smoke detector either.

Why not? Don't batteries expire? Edit: Date is to know when to reolace batteries, as detectors are powered by batteries.

 

[mfb]

Why not?

They are just too passive. They never talk, never show any emotion or interact with you in other ways. Unless they are smoking hot, but then they scream like crazy.

 

[Keith_McClary]

Don't batteries expire? Edit: Date is to know when to reolace batteries, as detectors are powered by batteries.

The date is to replace the detector after 10 years. I can't find why 10 years exactly, it just seems to be a typical lifetime of electronics if high reliability is required. (I have lots of ancient electronics that still sort of work.)

 

[davenn]

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Vaccines for Covid 19 are being delivered tomorrow.

For those who desire heard immunity, an audio version of the vaccine can be downloaded.

 

[DrClaude]

They are just too passive. They never talk, never show any emotion or interact with you in other ways. Unless they are smoking hot, but then they scream like crazy.

Actually, I found out that they scream like crazy when you are smoking hot!

 

[fresh_42]

I am looking for a song on YouTube but cannot find it. Can you help me? It's from Sade and the title is "Group Operator".

 

[DrGreg]

I am looking for a song on YouTube but cannot find it. Can you help me? It's from Sade and the title is "Group Operator".

I thought it was "Infinitely Differentiable Operator"?

 

[gmax137]

View attachment 274252

Quack on a Rack?

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[davenn]

Quack on a Rack?

goose on a moose

but I like your alternative

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[WWGD]

I finally ran a few miles yesterday, beating my friend on a bet, and now I can barely stand and walk. The thrill of victory and the agony of de feet.

 

[Wrichik Basu]

 

[phinds]

What the engineering consultant said:
Well, considering the budget limitations you've put on this project, we'll have to forgo most of the fancy stuff, so it isn't going to be sexy at all. As for the schedule, we should be able to finish it in about 3 months but it will take another month of testing before it will be ready for the customer. And don't forget we have to meet with the customer reps by the first of next month to make sure we're all on the same page for the project specs, otherwise the schedule will probably slip if there are significant changes.

What the marketing guy heard:
This sexy new product will be ready by the first of next month.

 

[mfb]

Actually, I found out that they scream like crazy when you are smoking hot!

That's not limited to smoke detectors.

 

[Ibix]

Actually, I found out that they scream like crazy when you are smoking hot!

That's not limited to smoke detectors.

$\{\mathrm{smoke\ detectors}\}\cup\{\mathrm{Tom\ Jones}\}$

 

[WWGD]

I'm starting to fear my cat...

 

[WWGD]

Substitute teacher Freudian slip:

 

[Fervent Freyja]