Collection of Lame Jokes

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

 

[Frigus]

Me before exams:-
I will procrastinate tomorrow.

 

[jbriggs444]

[From the 80's]
A car has a flat tire and a DEC Field Service engineer is summoned to address the situation.

He swaps all four tires until he finds the one that's flat.

 

[jtbell]

This is what Jelly Belly does with jelly beans that don't meet their quality control standards:

 

[jtbell]

View attachment 277260​

I bet this also works with Dalmatians.

 

[phinds]

All the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another, until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally, it was his turn and he entered the office to find the Chairman and the other six directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table.

Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did.

The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked:

"Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Floyd?"

"Oh, no, sir, positively not...!" Ted replied.

"Are you absolutely sure...?" asked the chairman.

"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her...!"

"You'd swear to that...?"

"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Floyd, anytime, anywhere" insisted Ted.

"Good. Then YOU fire her."

 

[jack action]

My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend.

Honestly, I should've seen the signs.

 

[fresh_42]

"Look at my new girlfriend! Isn't she pretty?"
"Yeah, you're right! She isn't - pretty."

 

[davenn]

My friend’s Dad used to say “the sky’s the limit”.
Which is probably why he got fired from N.A.S.A

 

[256bits]

The wife of the blind man ran away with the pool boy.
He thought their marriage was great, but he just didn't see that one coming.

 

[DrGreg]

My friend’s Dad used to say “the sky’s the limit”.
Which is probably why he got fired from N.A.S.A

My friend’s Dad used to say “fight fire with fire”.
Which is probably why he got fired from being a firefighter.
Milton Jones

 

[mfb]

Which is probably why he got fired from being a firefighter.

And then they fired the person who fired the firefighter.

 

[DaveC426913]

The wife of the blind man ran away with the pool boy.
He thought their marriage was great, but he just didn't see that one coming.

I don't get it. I mean, unless he didn't see because he's blind isn't all there is to it.

 

[256bits]

I don't get it. I mean, unless he didn't see because he's blind isn't all there is to it.

It's a play on words. n'est pas?

 

[Klystron]

It's a play on words. n'est pas?

Reminds me of Basil Fawlty's (John Cleese) joke about responding to perceived criticism:

Regular Guy: "Isn't that a bit pretentious?"
Educated Guy: "Pretentious? Moi?".

 

[Keith_McClary]

How do you know whether someone has been to Harvard or Yale?

Spoiler

They will tell you.

 

[Vanadium 50]

Hey, my uncle went to Yale. His name was Yim Yackson.

 

[Ibix]

I went to Yale. The receptionist signed for the parcel and I went away again.

 

[mfb]

I went to Yale. Yale, Michigan.

There is a US village for almost everything.

 

[Borg]

I went to Yale. Yale, Michigan.

There is a US village for almost everything.

I went to Hell, Michigan once.

 

[gmax137]

I went to Hell, Michigan once.

How about Short Pump, VA? you can't make this stuff up.

 

[phinds]

 

[jack action]

I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn't show up.

That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.

 

[jack action]

I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

 

[jack action]

Yesterday my doctor gave 3 months to live ... I killed him ... Today the judge gave me 30 years.

 

[Frigus]

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

I'm going to work on being less condescending.

(Condescending means to talk down to people)

 

[phinds]

Pre-surgery, the doc offered to knock the patient out with either anesthetic gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether-oar situation.

My wife says I never listen to her. Or something like that.

I want to grow my own food but I can't find any bacon seeds.

Will glass coffins every be popular? Remains to be seen.

If you boil a funny bone, it becomes laughing stock. Now that's humerus.

 

[fresh_42]

You never tell if two fishermen meet or part, they always say "So long!"

 

[phinds]

 

[Wrichik Basu]

 

[jtbell]

I went to Hell, Michigan once.

I've been there multple times. When I was a grad student at nearby U of M, I belonged to the Ann Arbor Bicycle Touring Society, which sponsors an annual event named "One Helluva Ride."

There's a small lake nearby, with the dam visible from the road; and a tavern named the "Dam Site Inn."

 

[phinds]

I grew up with Bob Hope, Steve Jobs, and Johnny Cash. Now there's no jobs, no cash and no hope.

Please don't let anything happen to Kevin Bacon