Collection of Lame Jokes

[jack action]

 

[phinds]

Jeez, people. You had ONE thing to do. Just ONE THING!

 

[The Fez]

Not all math jokes are funny... Just sum.

 

[fresh_42]

I will not participate in the lockdown. That's too stressful for me. I decided to stay at home.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[BillTre]

 

[fresh_42]

Dear IT Support,

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better.

A shareware beta-program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiance 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with Free*** Plus and Cleanhouse 2000.

Shortly after this upgrade however I then discovered that Wife1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip! These latter products have no helpfiles and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself.

Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processing that also drains my resources. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation.

When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've attempted to try Mistress 2001, but there could be problems: a friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2001 it tends to delete all my MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Please can you help me.
Joe

 

[davenn]

Dear IT Support,

hahaha an oldie but a goodie
Havent seen that one for many years
thanks for posting

 

[fresh_42]

hahaha an oldie but a goodie
Havent seen that one for many years
thanks for posting

Time to link BOFH again? Maybe too long and mainframe biased, but that one is cute:
http://pages.cs.wisc.edu/~ballard/bofh/bofhserver.pl (reload is the new enter button)

 

[davenn]

Time to link BOFH again?

havent seen that one before

 

[fresh_42]

havent seen that one before

http://bofh.bjash.com/

 

[Klystron]

http://bofh.bjash.com/

Ha! Now I realize why NASA had us software engineers also perform most VAX/VMS maintenance. Would not want BOFH-dude destroying critical systems. Funny, but what is a computer operator?

 

[fresh_42]

Ha! Now I realize why NASA had us software engineers also perform most VAX/VMS maintenance. Would not want BOFH-dude destroying critical systems. Funny, but what is a computer operator?

It's from the late '80s or early '90s. One has to imagine a mainframe at a university at a time when personal computers were big ugly boxes and laptops still to be invented.

 

[wrobel]

it is nothing once I had to write a lecture on the wall

 

[DaveC426913]

Dear IT Support,

OK, well, if we're going to dig deep for classics, one can't do much better than The Rejection Letter from Smithsonian's Curator of Antiquities...Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled “211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull.” We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents “conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago.” Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the “Malibu Barbie”. It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it’s modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the “skull” is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the “ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams” you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don’t have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it’s normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating’s notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation’s Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name “Australopithecus spiff-arino.” Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn’t really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation’s capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the “trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix” that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities

Credit:
https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/smithsonian-barbie/

 

[phinds]

This will be the 1st year in the last 10 years that I don't run the Boston Marathon due to Covid. Kind of disappointing. I mean the other 9 years I didn't run it because I really don't exercise much and I've never actually run in any kind of marathon so I doubt I could finish it in any reasonable time, but dammit, this year it's just not the same.

 

[BigDon]

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and try to strike out the rhino.

 

[Klystron]

Another fine morning dawns on the quarterdeck of the Nantucket whaler, Pequod:

Captain Ahab:
"Aye, Starbuck. What sayeth ye?"

Starbuck:
"G'mornin' Cap'n. Cook has brewed a fine mess of coffees, Sir. Which is thy pleasure?"

Captain Ahab:
"Pleasure, Starbuck? Pleasure? Thou prattle of pleasure while that pale devil still roams the oceans?

Bring me the still beating heart of the leviathan what took me leg; lo', these many years!

Bring me tears, Starbuck! Salty tears muddled with the cankerous red blood of the gargantuan men call 'Moby Dick'!

Bring me widows, Starbuck! Widows of the lost souls doomed by the snow white devil with the crooked jaw drooping below an evil eye. We shall melt their useless wedding bands with the heat of our collective passion and forge a weapon that shall drive our point deep within the heart of the beast!"

Starbuck:
"Aye, Cap'n. Decaf it is."

 

[jtbell]

Did you ever wonder what those German airship pilots ended up doing?

Perhaps not coincidentally, it was about a 20-mile drive from the Goodyear Airdock in Akron.

 

[jack action]

If you say "rise up lights" you sound like an Australian saying "razor blades".

 

[phinds]

 

[Ibix]

What kind of exercises do lazy people do?

Diddly squats.

 

[gmax137]

If you say "rise up lights" you sound like an Australian saying "razor blades".

flashback to "Strine"
https://www.physicsforums.com/threa...mispronounced-want-to-etc.989927/post-6353508

 

[jack action]

One evening, an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruits. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw that it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of its presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him: "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

 

[BillTre]

Dogs doing Frisbees weird:

 

[Keith_McClary]

 

[BigDon]

So for a number of years I had a very serious personal physician (not the joke yet) and due to several issues would see him regularly four times a year. And each time I saw him I would attempt to try to get him to "break character" by cracking a joke, which became a game after third visit. Despite his youth, (from my perspective), he was the head of the hospital and probably had a lot to be grim about. I lucked out in making his panel. After nearly twelve years I only saw him smile twice where you could see teeth.

(This joke is meant to be verbal, so bear with me please.)

What do you call the reconstructive surgery John Bobbit received after being emasculated by his wife?
An Addadictomy.

That was the only one I caught him on. (Plumber's jokes didn't seem to work at all.)

The only other time I saw him smile "out loud" was a nearly Spock-like reaction when I came out of a coma when I wasn't expected to. You know, the Ponfar episode. I woke up when the nurse touched my wrist to call time on me. For a moment the entire Universe seemed to be that nurse's fingers touching the inside of my forearm, then I came awake with a very deep, shuddering breath.

She went and got the doctor, who was right outside and at first he looked at me, then *looked* at me and his face did all those things Leonard Nemoy's did when he saw Kirk wasn't dead.

He recovered, addressed me formally by my surname and said, "Am I very glad to see you!"
With emphasis not usually applied to that statement.

 

[jtbell]

The Mars rover "Perseverance" has analyzed its first soil samples. They're suspiciously like caramel icing, with chunks of chocolate cookie.

The folks at Krispy Kreme tweeted, "We told you so!"

 

[BillTre]

 

[mfb]

Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?She wanted to see the Task Manager.

 

[jack action]

 

[gmax137]

View attachment 278312

Not quite sure what I'm looking at here?

 

[Keith_McClary]

Not quite sure what I'm looking at here?

what I'm looking at here?

A boot. Sole at bottom right.