Collection of Lame Jokes

[BoulderHead]

Yes, it was excellent.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Father O'Leary visits the elderly Mrs Smith who is bedridden. He goes to her room, sits down, and begins nibble from a bowl of peanuts as he and the woman talk. After awhile he gets up to leave and he notices that he has eaten all of her peanuts. The good father feels terrible since Mrs Smith is rather poor. He apologizes and offers to bring her some more peanuts. She replies: "Oh no father don't bother. At my age it's all I can do to suck off the chocolate".

 

[BoulderHead]

Flaming Skull

What did the hooker with a glass eye tell her customers?

"I'll keep an eye out for you"

 

[Evo]

Father O'Leary visits the elderly Mrs Smith who is bedridden. He goes to her room, sits down, and begins nibble from a bowl of peanuts as he and the woman talk. After awhile he gets up to leave and he notices that he has eaten all of her peanuts. The good father feels terrible since Mrs Smith is rather poor. He apologizes and offers to bring her some more peanuts. She replies: "Oh no father don't bother. At my age it's all I can do to suck off the chocolate".

Ok, I will try to remember this as I fall asleep.

 

[Gokul43201]

Why did the elephants leave the circus?




They were tired of working for peanuts.

 

[Gokul43201]

A policeman stopped a man who was walking along with an alligator and ordered him to take it to the zoo at once. The next day the policeman saw the same man with the same alligator.

"I thought I told you to take that to the zoo," he said.

"I did," said the man, "and now I'm taking him to the movies."

 

[Ivan Seeking]

The latest study of electric vehicles shows that the single greatest hidden cost for all models is the really long extension cord.

 

[BobG]

A man sentenced to prison was put in a cell with an older convict who had been there for many years. One day, they were talking about their pasts, and the old man said, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." "What happened?" his new cellmate asked. "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing."

 

[ShawnD]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him ... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Two atoms are walking along and one of them says "Oh no! I think I lost an electron!". The other asks "Are you sure?". The atom replies "I'm positive!"

 

[i_wish_i_was_smart]

Q:whats long and sticky



A: a stick

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Speaking of long sticks, the javelin catching team is looking for new members.

 

[Moonbear]

Speaking of long sticks, the javelin catching team is looking for new members.

Ivan, your jokes aren't lame enough...I keep laughing at them. Or does that just make me lame?

 

[Moonbear]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
.
.
.
.
No idea(r) ... "No eye deer"

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
.
.
.
.
Still no idea(r)

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs that fell in a lake?
.
.
.
.
Bob

<<<<<groan>>>>>

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Or does that just make me lame?

No idear.


"Mrs. Felix: Why don't you do your homework?
Allen Felix: The Universe is expanding. Everything will fall apart, and we'll all die. What's the point?

Mrs. Felix: We live in Brooklyn. Brooklyn is not expanding! Go do your homework.
(from Annie Hall by Woody Allen)

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Have you ever noticed... anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac --- George Carlin

Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? - Gallagher

Cats of the future?
They will come pre-flattened to reduce road hazards.

Did you hear about the iron worker who walked into a bar?

 

[ShawnD]

Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway? - Gallagher

That dude told jokes? I thought all he did was smash stuff.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

That dude told jokes? I thought all he did was smash stuff.

He is a comedian and when at his best he was hilarious! The smashing business was just the finale to his show.

 

[Tsu]

Did you hear about the iron worker who walked into a bar?

Moonbear! Is THAT lame enough for you?

 

[Moonbear]

Moonbear! Is THAT lame enough for you?

Our lab decided today that a necessary trait for scientists is the ability to be easily amused. We all seem to laugh at each others lame jokes, which of course only encourages more lame jokes. It's a horrible cycle.

 

[BoulderHead]

Well drilling is a boring job.

 

[Gokul43201]

aaahhhhh ! I surrender...please no more...I'll tell you whatever you want to hear...here's the combination to my safe...

 

[Ivan Seeking]

No mercy!

What does an atheist say when she's having an orgasm?
"Darwin! Oh, Darwin!"

 

[Tsu]

Our lab decided today that a necessary trait for scientists is the ability to be easily amused. We all seem to laugh at each others lame jokes, which of course only encourages more lame jokes. It's a horrible cycle.

Just say 'NO'!

 

[BobG]

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs that fell in a lake?
.
.
.
.
Bob

<<<<<groan>>>>>

Hey! That's mean. (I said with a deer in the headlights look)

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Pessimist: Things are horrible. Everything is falling apart. Things can't get any worse.

Optimist: Yes they can.

 

[physicsuser]

What did a hand say to a face?


"Slap!"

 

[Gokul43201]

Pessimist: Things are horrible. Everything is falling apart. Things can't get any worse.

Optimist: Yes they can.

Bartlett, perhaps ?

 

[jimmy p]

Why don't sharks kill lawyers?



Professional courtesy

 

[Chrono]

"Could I have your number?"

It's not exactly a joke, but all the girls I ask that seem to laugh pretty hard.

 

[jimmy p]

"Could I have your number?"

It's not exactly a joke, but all the girls I ask that seem to laugh pretty hard.

That is a joke in itself... oh man... so true!

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Bartlett, perhaps ?

We've been getting caught up on old episodes.

...the Barlett pair.

 

[Gokul43201]

I watched that episode a little after I read the joke. Made me smile despite the car-bomb in the Gaza.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

"Could I have your number?"

It's not exactly a joke, but all the girls I ask that seem to laugh pretty hard.

Maybe it would help to introduce yourself as 6 of 9.

Babes love Star Trek

 

[Chrono]

That is a joke in itself... oh man... so true!

You get that, too, Jimmy? I swear, it never ceases to be funny to them.

 

[jimmy p]

You get that, too, Jimmy? I swear, it never ceases to be funny to them.

Maybe I should wear clothes when I ask them... I mean, yeah unless they don't have numbers. It sucks. Women suck. So do hoovers.

How can you tell if an elephant has been in your fridge?

Footprints in the butter.