Collection of Lame Jokes

[HeLiXe]

Hmmm... take some DA, place in blender, add freshly squeezed lime juice, cilantro, zest of lemon and lime, a bit of honey, and a pound of prussic acid. That's right about where I am with cooking that brand of Avocado... that, or fried.

Hooooly @#%^ LOLOLOLOL

 

[nismaratwork]

Hooooly @#%^ LOLOLOLOL

You don't like guacamole a la citrus/cyanide?! The trick is to use a variety of corn chips...

 

[DaveC426913]

Use camphor in a sentence.

We went to camphor a week.

 

[cobalt124]

Use camphor in a sentence.

We went to camphor a week.

Use judicious in a sentence.

Now hands that judicious feel as soft as your face, with mild green Fairy Liquid.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mMmQsHgpjw&feature=related

 

[DaveC426913]

Use judicious in a sentence.

Now hands that judicious feel as soft as your face, with mild green Fairy Liquid.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mMmQsHgpjw&feature=related

I was about to complain that I had no idea what you're talking about. Even the video didn't help - until the last ten seconds.

 

[HeLiXe]

You don't like guacamole a la citrus/cyanide?! The trick is to use a variety of corn chips...

lolol poor DA

 

[nismaratwork]

lolol poor DA

He'll live, but shame and publicly embarrassing yourself can take some time to cope with.

Camphor the burgers, stay for the pie.

 

[HeLiXe]

is that why he left? He better get over it and come back embarrassing myself is so much a part of my life I've lost my sense of shame...and some think that is a bad thing

 

[HeLiXe]

Use judicious in a sentence.

Now hands that judicious feel as soft as your face, with mild green Fairy Liquid.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mMmQsHgpjw&feature=related

 

[nismaratwork]

is that why he left? He better get over it and come back embarrassing myself is so much a part of my life I've lost my sense of shame...and some think that is a bad thing

Agreed, it's just a learning experience! You just have to be camphortable with yourself, and understand that mistaks and assumptions can bite you. Still, through judicous application of shame (and camphor) the lesson is learned, and we hope not repeated.


Camphor.

... mothballs.

Do moths have balls?

 

[HeLiXe]

You just have to be camphortable with yourself

Camphor.

... mothballs.

Do moths have balls?

OMG stop!

 

[jhae2.718]

Vector calculus joke; you should probably just move along:

Q: Why are theologians like Laplacians?

Spoiler

A: Because they're div grads!

 

[nismaratwork]

Vector calculus joke; you should probably just move along:

Q: Why are theologians like Laplacians?

Spoiler

A: Because they're div grads!

I had to google that, but it was worth it.

 

[jhae2.718]

"They picked an $\varepsilon$ so small that $\varepsilon^2$ was negative..."

 

[nismaratwork]

Nambla gives Nabla a bad name.

 

[jhae2.718]

Nambla gives Nabla a bad name.

I wish I hadn't googled that.

It's del, I tell you!

 

[nismaratwork]

I wish I hadn't googled that.

It's del, I tell you!

Nabla... he harp... flux...

So FAR from NAMBLA which yeah, you really don't want to google.

 

[IMP]

Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

A zombie reading this thread?

" Laaaaaammmmeeeee "

 

[HeLiXe]

Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?

 

[IMP]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.

Then, the still shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault today is my very first day driving a cab.

My last job, which I did for 25 years, was driving a hearse.

 

[Ivan92]

"A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want". Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked: "What is the matter ? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me ?"
The man said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool." "

" Three men — a mathematician, a biologist, and an engineer — are discussing their love lives. The mathematician starts off talking about how much he loves having a wife. She takes care of him. She always there for him. She's so constant, just everything he could want.
But the biologist disagrees. "What you really need is a mistress", he says. "My wife is boring, but my mistress always makes sure there's something new and exciting going on".
Those two argue back and forth for a little while until, finally, they ask the engineer to break the tie. Which is better, a wife, or a mistress ?
"I like having both", says the engineer. "That way, one of them always assumes I'm off spending time with the other one, and I can go into the office and get some work done". "

"Some engineers are trying to measure the height of a high pole. They try building a contraption by piling up unstable ladders, but after one of them gets hurt falling off of it, a technician comes, removes the pole, lays it on the ground and measures it. One of the engineers sneers at him: 'what an idiot, he didn't measure the height, he measured the length'..."

Source: http://www.gdargaud.net/Humor/Engineer.html

I love this site! Haha!

 

[HeLiXe]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.

Then, the still shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle the driver so badly.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault today is my very first day driving a cab.

My last job, which I did for 25 years, was driving a hearse.

good one

 

[HeLiXe]

"A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want". Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked: "What is the matter ? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me ?"
The man said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

the mistress one was funny too lol

 

[drizzle]

cool talking frog

 

[jtbell]

This is an oldie...

A Irishman walked into an employment agency in New York, and someone interviewed him to set up his file.

"Where did you live before coming to the States?"

"Belfast."

"Oh wow, I hear things are really tough over there right now."

"Oh, it's not too bad for most people."

"That's good to hear. What was your last job in Belfast?"

"Tail gunner on a bread truck."

 

[jhae2.718]

Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:
1.) 532.35 cm³ gluten
2.) 4.9 cm³ NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm³ refined halite
4.) 236.6 cm³ partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm³ crystalline C12H22O11
6.) 177.45 cm³ unrefined C12H22O11
7.) 4.9 cm³ methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9.) 473.2 cm³ theobroma cacao
10.) 236.6 cm³ de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the raction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
Great Engineering Quote

Engineers aren't boring people, we just get excited over boring things.
--Anon. Blind Golfers

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude.

Priest: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow today, aren't they?

George: Oh yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our clubhouse last year, so we let them play here anytime free of charge.

SILENCE.

Priest: That's so sad, I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there is anything we can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?3 Metal Spheres

The Board of Trustees of a nearby University, decides to test the Professors, to see if they really know their stuff. First they take a Math Prof. and put him in a room. Now, the room contains a table and three metal spheres about the size of softballs. They tell him to do whatever he want with the balls and the table in one hour. After an hour, he comes out and the Trustees look in and the balls are arranged in a triangle at the center of the table. Next, they give the same test to a Physics Prof. After an hour, they look in, and the balls are stacked one on top of the other in the center of the table. Finally, they give the test to an Engineering Prof. After an hour, they look in and one of the balls is broken, one is missing, and he's carrying the third out in his lunchbox.

http://www.inflection-point.com/jokes/98.htm

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

lol = lots of love


I'm sorry about how a motorcycle ran over your foot. lol.

 

[HeLiXe]

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?

These engineer jokes are WAAAY better than attorney jokes lol

 

[Ivan92]

"There are four engineers traveling in a car; a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and a computer engineer. The car breaks down. "Sounds to me as if the pistons have seized. We'll have to strip down the engine before we can get the car working again", says the mechanical engineer. "Well", says the chemical engineer, "it sounded to me as if the fuel might be contaminated. I think we should clear out the fuel system." "I thought it might be an grounding problem", says the electrical engineer, "or maybe a faulty plug lead." They all turn to the computer engineer who has said nothing and say: "Well, what do you think?" "Ummm - perhaps if we all get out of the car and get back in again?" "

Ha!

http://www.engineeringhumor.com/jokes.html

 

[HeLiXe]

 

[AlephZero]

An engineer, a biologist and a mathematician are on holiday together. They are sitting in the main sqaure of a little town having a beer and looking at a strange building on the other side of the square which seems to be empty.

After a while two people go into the building. Then a few minutes later three people come out.

The engineer says "This is really bugging me. What could have possibly caused a 50% error in one of those measurements of the number of people?"

The biologist says "I think we have discovered a new species that reproduces very quickly".

The mathematician says "I don't understand why there is a problem. There are now minus one people inside the building. If somebody else goes in, it will be empty again."

 

[jhae2.718]

http://www.math.utah.edu/~cherk/mathjokes.html

 

[micromass]

A general working on the Manhattan project had great faith in Enrico Fermi's work, but it looked as if the other scientists' theory about splitting the atom and causing a chain reaction using uranium rather than thorium was gaining favor. The general, despondent, thought that he would give Fermi one last chance. He wrote up a requisition for one more shipment of thorium and passed it on to his clerk. Just as he did so, he began to smile rather than pout. His clerk asked, "Why the sudden change in mood, sir?" The general replied, "That's because I just realized that I approved Fermi's last thorium."

 

[HeLiXe]

The mathematician says "I don't understand why there is a problem. There are now minus one people inside the building. If somebody else goes in, it will be empty again."