Collection of Lame Jokes

[HeLiXe]

A general working on the Manhattan project had great faith in Enrico Fermi's work, but it looked as if the other scientists' theory about splitting the atom and causing a chain reaction using uranium rather than thorium was gaining favor. The general, despondent, thought that he would give Fermi one last chance. He wrote up a requisition for one more shipment of thorium and passed it on to his clerk. Just as he did so, he began to smile rather than pout. His clerk asked, "Why the sudden change in mood, sir?" The general replied, "That's because I just realized that I approved Fermi's last thorium."

lololz

 

[Lancelot59]

Like Chuck Norris jokes, only for Gauss:

This combines math and phallic jokes. Can't get much lamer:

If it's inappropriate feel free to pull that image.

 

[micromass]

The margins of Gauss' books are never too small.

 

[Lancelot59]

Here's another one I found:

 

[Isaacsname]

A zombie reading this thread?

" Laaaaaammmmeeeee "

A zombie podiatrist ?

Feeeeeeeeeeeeet

 

[jhae2.718]

This one's for you, Micro:

 

[HeLiXe]

This one is cute lol

 

[Lancelot59]

This one is cute lol

Is that a tangent in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

 

[micromass]

This one's for you, Micro:

Hahahahahaha! I'm going to put it on my next blog

 

[jhae2.718]

 

[Amazon]

these are pretty funny. I kinda wish I had found this forum sooner

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

I kinda wish I had found this forum sooner

Me too.

Welcome to PF!

 

[micromass]

these are pretty funny. I kinda wish I had found this forum sooner

Amazon, you're new! Let me properly initiate you:

*smacks Amazon with a giant trout*

 

[jhae2.718]

*smacks Amazon with a giant trout*

How do you choose the trout?

 

[Amazon]

Amazon, you're new! Let me properly initiate you:

*smacks Amazon with a giant trout*

My brother actually did that to me in real life before :P

 

[rootX]

Amazon, you're new! Let me properly initiate you:

*smacks Amazon with a giant trout*

How unkind of you, what if she wanted a salmon instead. .

 

[jhae2.718]

Perhaps the most polite objects in mathematics are deferential equations.

 

[HeLiXe]

Is that a tangent in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

WTH is wrong with you Lance lol crazy

 

[Lancelot59]

WTH is wrong with you Lance lol crazy

It's normal.

Another spiked math comic:

 

[HeLiXe]

It's normal.

Another spiked math comic:

-_- I've seriously done this before

 

[Lancelot59]

-_- I've seriously done this before

Who hasn't?

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

I was fired from my job at Tropicana because I couldn't concentrate.

 

[jtbell]

I thought of a marvelously lame joke while driving around this afternoon, but the margin of my brain was too small to contain it, so I forgot it before I could get home to post it.

 

[cobalt124]

What do you call a German barber?

Herr cut!

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

I'd like you all to check out the link below,

 

[jtbell]

I can't believe this joke isn't in the thread already...

A dairy cooperative contacted the local university's extension service asking for help on improving their milk production. The extension agent said, "Well, all our dairy experts are on vacation right now, but we can send you a theoretical physicist."

The cooperative decided that was better than nothing. So the physicist visited the cooperative and some of the members' farms and took notes, and then went off to consider the problem. In due course he arranged with the cooperative for a meeting to present his findings.

"To start off, we'll make some simplifying assumptions. First, let's assume a spherical cow of uniform density..."

http://dd-b.net/cgi-bin/picpage.pl/photography/gallery/Mike-Ford?pic=ddb 20060414 020-025;IPTC=yes

 

[jhae2.718]

   Physics Course List

* Do you scoff at artists who put the colors in the wrong order when
  painting a rainbow?
* Do you try to correct people who refer to the clouds above a
  boiling pot as steam instead of water vapor?
* Have you ever wanted to know why it is that 'hot air rises' and
  'cold air sinks', but the higher you go the colder the air gets?

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you are a
budding physicist (and you thought that only botanists were budding!).
We strongly recommend that you drop whatever else you are doing
(DROP/ADD forms are available at the Registrar's Office) and enroll as
a physics major. If you need any further convincing, just have a look
at all the wonderful courses we offer.

PHYS 100 Introduction to Physics
       A required course for students in all subject areas which
       require the ability to think (e.g. engineering, physics, math
       ...)
       Topics Include: energy, momentum, heat, electricity, magnetism,
       optics, gravity
       Prerequisites: Grade 12 Math and Physics

PHYS 110 Non-Calculus Physics
       The ideal course for students in non-scientific areas of
       science (biology, geology, psychology and other such stuff). If
       the only reason you would ever be dragged into a physics class
       is that your degree requirements call for it - this is the
       course for you.
       Topics Include: user-friendly, watered-down versions of all the
       good stuff covered in PHYS 100
       Prerequisites: Grade 3 Math, ability to distinguish between
       moving and parked cars

PHYS 123 Physics for Artsies
       This is admittedly a blatent attempt to increase enrollment in
       physics and simultaneously offer paid early retirement to some
       of our department members. But hey, what about 'Rocks for
       Jocks', or 'Computers for Clutzes'? Why are we expected to be
       the one department in the University that only offers quality
       courses? So if you need a science credit, and want to do as
       little work as possible to get it - remember 1-2-3. (Those who
       have already taken MATH 3.14159 Numbers, Fingers, and Stuff
       will have an advantage in remembering this.)
       Topics Include: which way is up? why tie your shoelaces? the
       difference between steam and ice (time and class intelligence
       permitting)
       Prerequisites: pulse rate greater than 10 beats per minute

PHYS 150 Introduction to Astronomy
       The ideal course for those who wish to study physics without
       having to actually study physics. This is traditionally the
       course of choice for those who think a physics minor would look
       good on their c.v., but who have no interest or ability in the
       subject.
       Topics Include: which end of the telescope is for looking in?
       Prerequisites: A pledge never to ask the professor his 'sign'

PHYS 200 Modern Physics
       Learn about all the theories and critical experiments of the
       last century, without being burdened with the mathematics that
       would permit you to do something with this knowledge.
       Topics Include: the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle (perhaps)
       Prerequisites: readiness to accept that everything we taught
       you in PHYS 100 is only a classical approximation

PHYS 201 E&M #1
       We couldn't teach you Electromagnetism properly in PHYS 100
       because you had not yet taken any vector calculus. Even though
       you still have not taken any class in vector calculus, we
       consider that anybody who has opted to major in physics should
       be able to absorb the entire content of MATH 201 in the first
       week of the term.
       Topics Include: Maxwell's equations
       Prerequisites: PHYS 205, MATH 100

PHYS 205 Optics
       Using your knowledge of electromagnetic fields (which you will
       acquire next term in PHYS 201) we introduce the subject of
       light - what is it and how does it behave?
       Topics Include: did you know that nearsighted people have eyes
       that are too strong, not too weak?
       Prerequisites: PHYS 201

PHYS 207 Mechanics
       No, this is not a course in car maintainance!
       Topics Include: trajectories, oscillations, Hilbert space
       Prerequisites: PHYS 100

PHYS 300 S&M (Sadistical Mechanics)
       Have you ever wondered what the laws of statistics and quantum
       mechanics say would happen if you were to put
       1,000,000,000,000,000 gas molecules into a container? Take this
       class and find out!
       Topics Include: the Grand Ole Canonical Partition Function
       Prerequisites: PHYS 100, MATH 523

PHYS 312 QM (Quantum Mechanics)
       This is what we wanted to teach you in PHYS 200, but weren't
       able to because you had only had five calculus courses so far.
       Topics Include: is your cat really alive?
       Prerequisites: PHYS 200

PHYS 400 E&M #2
       Having weeded out all but the most highly intelligent students
       with PHYS 201, we are now able to get into the real meat of the
       subject of Electromagnetic waves and fields.
       Topics Include: optics, relativity, gauge transforms
       Prerequisites: PHYS 201, every math course you can get

PHYS 456 Advanced Physics for Artsies
       We are presently the only Physics Department in the world to
       offer an advanced physics course especially geared for
       humanities students. Our consistent offering of this course is
       evidence of our belief that Physics is indeed a subject for
       everyone. In fact, Dr. M.C. Skewaired (who has been teaching
       this class for the last 14 years) has often said in defense of
       the funding for the course 'if I ever get any students, they
       will love this class'.
       Topics Include: which way is down?
       Prerequisites: PHYS 123

http://www.xs4all.nl/~jcdverha/scijokes/2_6.html

 

[HeLiXe]

I was fired from my job at Tropicana because I couldn't concentrate.

 

[HeLiXe]

Who hasn't?

Whew! Thanks for making me feel normal once again.

 

[IMP]

There was a man who entered a local newspaper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

[Lancelot59]

I can't believe this joke isn't in the thread already...

A dairy cooperative contacted the local university's extension service asking for help on improving their milk production. The extension agent said, "Well, all our dairy experts are on vacation right now, but we can send you a theoretical physicist."

The cooperative decided that was better than nothing. So the physicist visited the cooperative and some of the members' farms and took notes, and then went off to consider the problem. In due course he arranged with the cooperative for a meeting to present his findings.

"To start off, we'll make some simplifying assumptions. First, let's assume a spherical cow of uniform density..."

http://dd-b.net/cgi-bin/picpage.pl/photography/gallery/Mike-Ford?pic=ddb 20060414 020-025;IPTC=yes

That joke also would've worked for a mathematician. Unless they actually wrote a density function for the cow...

Whew! Thanks for making me feel normal once again.

You're welcome.

 

[jhae2.718]

...

Wait, to me that sounds suspiciously like you're implying that cows aren't perfectly spherical, aren't uniformly dense, and aren't in a vacuum...something is up here, I can tell it.

 

[AlephZero]

That joke also would've worked for a mathematician.

Nope. The mathematician didn't know what a cow was, but he did know about fields.

We think the cow is somewhere in a field with an uncountably infinite number of dimensions right now, but the mathematician is still figuring out how to use the axiom of choice to find it again.

 

[Borg]

Nope. The mathematician didn't know what a cow was, but he did know about fields.

We think the cow is somewhere in a field with an uncountably infinite number of dimensions right now, but the mathematician is still figuring out how to use the axiom of choice to find it again.

Just look for the cow pi.

 

[HeLiXe]

Wait, to me that sounds suspiciously like you're implying that cows aren't perfectly spherical, aren't uniformly dense, and aren't in a vacuum...something is up here, I can tell it.

lol:P