Collection of Lame Jokes

[rootX]

A screwdriver walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Did you know we have a drink named after you?" The screwdriver answers, "You have a drink named Steve?"

My favorite drink!

 

[Buckethead]

There was a doctor who always went to the bar across the street to get his unusal, an almond daquari. One day the bartenter was out of almonds and thinking the doc wouldn't noticed whipped up a daquari made with hickory sticks. The doc was not easily fooled and upon asking if his drink was an almond daquari found the bartender responding apologetically "No, it a hickory daquari doc"

 

[QuarkCharmer]

What do chemists like?

Spoiler

Alkynes of things!

 

[novop]

So a guy walks into a quantum cafe and asks for a coffee with half a sugar in it...

 

[cobalt124]

A funeral procession drives slowly down a steep hill. Suddenly there is total brake failure on the hearse and it speeds out of control down the hill. The quick thinking eldest son of the deceased jumps out of his car, runs into a nearby chemists, runs up to to the counter and says "Quick, have you got something to stop me coffin!"

 

[jtbell]

From New Yorker magazine:

“We’ve agreed to count it as both a wave and a particle for tax purposes.”

 

[QuarkCharmer]

I thought of a particularly lame joke today and I wanted to share it with you all. At least it's an original one as far as I know.

What do physicists drink for any duration of time?

Spoiler

Δt, get it?

 

[micromass]

I thought of a particularly lame joke today and I wanted to share it with you all. At least it's an original one as far as I know.

What do physicists drink for any duration of time?

Spoiler

Δt, get it?

LOLOLOLOL

What does a physicist have when he broke up with his girlfriend for a while??

Delta ex

 

[QuarkCharmer]

LOLOLOLOL

What does a physicist have when he broke up with his girlfriend for a while??

Delta ex

http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2009/3/11/128812761190384562.jpg

 

[QuarkCharmer]

LOLOLOLOL

What does a physicist have when he broke up with his girlfriend for a while??

Delta ex

Oh wait I have a better one:

When do they get back together?

When $Δx=x_{0}$, of course.

(Read "naught", but if you like the other way of saying it read on)
Did you know that a physicist worked on the first Mortal Kombat game as the lead character developer?

Originally there was only one character, $_{0}$.

 

[jtbell]

I swear, I saw this on TV just a few minutes ago, on NBC's Today show: a duck drinking ale in a pub in England.

How does he pay for it, I wonder? They must put it on his bill.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

I've developed an equation that describes all extraterrestrial life. ET = 4n.

So you're eating foreign food.

 

[jobyts]

In a factory: A man standing on the floor and looking aimlessly.
CEO of that factory came and asked his salary... Man replied $2000 sir...
CEO took out his wallet & gave $6000 and told him "I pay people here to work and not to waste time... This is ur 3 months salary. Now get out of here. Dont come back".
That guy left.
CEO asked workers "who was that guy?"
Workers replied "courier boy sir"

Moral: Don't try to be strategic moron in every situation!

 

[HeLiXe]

So you're eating foreign food.

 

[Isaacsname]

Powers of ten parody, adults only, this means you should get out now..

I'm too dense to figure out embedding videos, deal with it.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeSC75qBDXI&feature=player_embedded#!

 

[YummyFur]

Doctor: so when did you first realize you had diarrhoea.
Patient: when I took off my bicycle clips.

 

[jtbell]

After living in the jungle for several years, Lord Greystoke was finally captured by a tribe of cannibals who killed him and cut him up for stew. The tribe's head musician saved the stomach, tanned it, and used it for a drum head. He composed a song to celebrate his new instrument: "The Tarzan's Tripes Forever."

 

[QuarkCharmer]

Powers of ten parody, adults only, this means you should get out now..

I'm too dense to figure out embedding videos, deal with it.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeSC75qBDXI&feature=player_embedded#!

That's crude but funny. We just watched the original video in a class not too long ago. I never knew that the nearest star was called Burning Hot Glow Ball.

 

[Drakkith]

Powers of ten parody, adults only, this means you should get out now..

I'm too dense to figure out embedding videos, deal with it.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VeSC75qBDXI&feature=player_embedded#!

Omg...so wrong...but so funny!

 

[HeLiXe]

I miss the mathematician jokes

 

[QuarkCharmer]

I miss the mathematician jokes

What do you call the ratio of a pigs length to the square root of the sum of it's height squared and length squared?

$$\frac{Pig_{length}}{\sqrt(Pig_{length}^{2}+Pig_{height}^{2})}$$ =

Spoiler

coswine

 

[micromass]

I miss the mathematician jokes

Enjoy:


How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?

None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
None. The answer is intuitively obvious.​

How many numerical analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

3.9967 (after six iterations).​

How many mathematical logicians does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They can't do it, but they can easily prove that itcan be done.
​

How many classical geometers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You can't do it with a straight edge and a compass.​

How many analysts does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to prove existence, one to prove uniqueness and one to derive a nonconstructive algorithm to do it.
​

How many number theorists does it take to change a light bulb?

I don't know the exact number, but I am sure it must be some rather elegant prime.​

 

[Ivan Seeking]

How many PFers does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten members to debate the issue as a current event. Two moderators to ban the offending members. Two members to initiate debates on the choice of light bulbs. One member to start a thread complaining about CFs. Six members to debate the effects of lightbulb selection on the grid. Eight members to debate the philosophical implications of lightbulbs, changing lightbulbs, and the existence of lightbulbs, and one member to argue that the lightbulb doesn't need changing and its really a socialist plot.

The lightbulb never gets changed.

 

[Char. Limit]

How many PFers does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten members to debate the issue as a current event. Two moderators to ban the offending members. Two members to initiate debates on the choice of light bulbs. One member to start a thread complaining about CFs. Six members to debate the effects of lightbulb selection on the grid. Eight members to debate the philosophical implications of lightbulbs, changing lightbulbs, and the existence of lightbulbs, and one member to argue that the lightbulb doesn't need changing and its really a socialist plot.

The lightbulb never gets changed.

*likes this post*

 

[Borek]

This is more or less full version:

How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

1 to change the light bulb

1 to post that the light bulb in fact has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

1 Mentor to warn everyone that dangerous activities should be not discussed at forum

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

2 other Mentors to send 5 warnings and 2 infractions to offenders

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb"is perfectly correct

1 Evo to remind users that they should not state opinions as facts

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

5 Mentors to delete spam posts to light bulb selling sites

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

3 Mentors to delete spam posts to light bulb selling sites again

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

1 Admin to delete spam again

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this forum which makes light bulbs relevant to this forum

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

1 Mentor calling everyone to calm down

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

1 micromass to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Borek's post should be moved to the engineering forum.

 

[Hootenanny]

This is more or less full version:

How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?

<snip>

1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

 

[OmCheeto]

Plus one ex-sailor with a light bulb in his mouth going off topic with a completely random thought to point out why there is a globe on the shirtsleeves of U.S. Naval electricians rather than a light bulb:

It has been reported that the rating badges for Electrician were first ordered specifying a "globe" ( meaning electric light bulb) as the specialty mark. On delivery, the mark manufactured out to be a replica of the world globe. Despite the error in communications, the world globe looked so well that it was retained. No evidence has been found to dispute this theory to explain the mark which does not visually represent its rating.

And that it is advantageous to keep ones old navy clothes with the white globe as you can color it orange and put little black triangles on it and go to Halloween parties as a Pumpkins Mate.

 

[jtbell]

1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

Shouldn't that be "6 years"?

 

[BobG]

There's already a thread about changing lightbulbs (light bulbs): https://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=25663

Please make your lightbulb/light bulb/lamp/globe/glowing thingy posts in the appropriate thread.

 

[Lancelot59]

$$\int\frac{1}{mower} d(mower)$$

 

[QuarkCharmer]

$$\frac{1}{mower} d(mower)$$

Should there be an integral there?

Natural Log mower plus C?

 

[Lancelot59]

Should there be an integral there?

Natural Log mower plus C?

I edited it in. Correct. Pronounced "ln mower". You may now commence laughing.

 

[Char. Limit]

I edited it in. Correct. Pronounced "ln mower". You may now commence laughing.

"lin mower"

I don't get it.

 

[Lancelot59]

"lin mower"

I don't get it.

You fail at humor. :/

"lawn mower"