Collection of Lame Jokes

[Borek]

Log cabin I know.

 

[QuarkCharmer]

Plus one ex-sailor with a light bulb in his mouth going off topic with a completely random thought to point out why there is a globe on the shirtsleeves of U.S. Naval electricians rather than a light bulb:

And that it is advantageous to keep ones old navy clothes with the white globe as you can color it orange and put little black triangles on it and go to Halloween parties as a Pumpkins Mate.

I never knew that, and I was an AE for a time.

 

[HeLiXe]

I edited it in. Correct. Pronounced "ln mower". You may now commence laughing.

laughing commenced LOLz good one! I always try to make jokes that require some thought and they come out dull and boring...I think I spend too much time on the logical setting so the punchline is unexpected.

 

[micromass]

More mathematician jokes:

A mathematician is showing a new proof he came up with to a large group of
peers. After he's gone through most of it, one of the mathematicians says,
"Wait! That's not true. I have a counter-example!"

He replies, "That's okay. I have two proofs."

 

[HeLiXe]

lololll

 

[micromass]

After covering several blackboards with densely packed computations and expressions filled with Bessel functions and more, the professor remembered that there were many undergraduate students in the room. Feeling just a twinge of remorse that perhaps he was talking above the heads of some of the students in his audience, he turned around and asked the audience if there were any students who had never seen a Bessel function. The audience was silent for a moment. Finally, one intrepid student raised his hand to admit that he had never seen Bessel functions. The professor nodded with apparent comprehension. Without hesitation, he turned around and pointed at the blackboard, while saying "well, there's one now" and continued his talk.

 

[Galron]

The lamest and thus ironically funny joke I ever heard was:

What did Hitler say to his men before they got in their tanks?

Men get in your tanks.

It's funny only because when you hear the bewilderment and groans of people you just can't help laughing.

Of course the funniest joke is:

Spoiler

My dog has no nose

How does he smell?

Awful!

Warning reading the above joke may well result in death by hysteria.

And was used in an effort to win the war against The Hun, Monty Python is truth: fact.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q9XJeL2MNpw

 

[QuarkCharmer]

After covering several blackboards with densely packed computations and expressions filled with Bessel functions and more, the professor remembered that there were many undergraduate students in the room. Feeling just a twinge of remorse that perhaps he was talking above the heads of some of the students in his audience, he turned around and asked the audience if there were any students who had never seen a Bessel function. The audience was silent for a moment. Finally, one intrepid student raised his hand to admit that he had never seen Bessel functions. The professor nodded with apparent comprehension. Without hesitation, he turned around and pointed at the blackboard, while saying "well, there's one now" and continued his talk.

At risk of being a bessel function myself, I don't get it?$$lim_{n \to \infty} \frac{sin(x)}{n} = 6$$

 

[Galron]

At risk of being a bessel function myself, I don't get it?


$$lim_{n \to \infty} \frac{sin(x)}{n} = 6$$

Joke is wasted on me as well? :S

 

[micromass]

At risk of being a bessel function myself, I don't get it?

Bessel functions have nothing to do with the joke. It's just about a sadistic professor

Imagine being in a lecture that goes way above your head. So in the middle you dare to ask something in the lines of "I've never seen integrals before". And the lecturer just writes $\int$ on the board and says: "now you have"
It's the lack of explanation from the professor that makes it funny...




OK, I suck at telling jokes...

 

[micromass]

A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative
merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife
and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.

The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of
security lowers your stress and is good for your health.

The mathematician says: " You're both wrong. It's best to have both so
that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress
thinks you're with your wife --- you can do some mathematics.

 

[Isaacsname]

What do you call a college dropout in Prague ?

A canceled Czech.

 

[QuarkCharmer]

Bessel functions have nothing to do with the joke. It's just about a sadistic professor

Imagine being in a lecture that goes way above your head. So in the middle you dare to ask something in the lines of "I've never seen integrals before". And the lecturer just writes $\int$ on the board and says: "now you have"
It's the lack of explanation from the professor that makes it funny...




OK, I suck at telling jokes...

Oh, I thought he was implying the student was a Bessel Function. I thought it was some sort of fancy name for a function that has a really small range or something.

 

[Borg]

[PLAIN]http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lrn9xgh48b1qewacoo1_400.png

 

[Lancelot59]

[PLAIN]http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lrn9xgh48b1qewacoo1_400.png[/QUOTE]

That cat's so crazy. In other news.

ENGINEERING STUDENT BAT
[URL]http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_loyr5qttvI1qhi27ro1_500.jpg[/URL]
[PLAIN]http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnvxc9m0P21qhi27ro1_400.jpg
[URL]http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lnn76p7mXM1qhi27ro1_400.png[/URL]

I just found a new source of entertainment.

 

[jtbell]

Imagine being in a lecture that goes way above your head. So in the middle you dare to ask something in the lines of "I've never seen integrals before". And the lecturer just writes $\int$ on the board and says: "now you have"

That reminds me of an old story about Wolfgang Pauli. After giving a colloquium somewhere:

Pauli: Any questions?

Audience member: Professor Pauli, I don't understand how you got from equation #5 to equation #6.

Pauli: That is a statement, not a question.

 

[pessimist]

That reminds me of an old story about Wolfgang Pauli. After giving a colloquium somewhere:

Pauli: Any questions?

Audience member: Professor Pauli, I don't understand how you got from equation #5 to equation #6.

Pauli: That is a statement, not a question.

Do you mean Paul Dirac?

http://www.dirac.ch/PaulDirac.html

 

[IMP]

I figured out how to travel faster than the speed of light! I will give you the details yesterday...

 

[jtbell]

Do you mean Paul Dirac?

http://www.dirac.ch/PaulDirac.html

I thought I read it as a story about Pauli, but it definitely does fit Dirac, so I'll accept it as a correction!

Here's another Dirac story... he once traveled to (I think) the University of Wisconsin, where the physics students' club arranged a group dinner for him. At some point, they realized that nobody knew Dirac's full name. This was before he had become really famous, and he had only used the initials "P. A. M." in his correspondence. So they made up place cards for the dinner table, which read something like: "Reserved for Prof. _____ / Dinner in honor of / Peter Alfred Martin Dirac". Each card had a different set of names with the same initials.

When Dirac saw the table, he caught on and walked around it, giving hints as he went, and eventually the students were able to come pretty close to piecing his name together: Paul Adrian Morris instead of Paul Adrien Maurice.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I was reviewing a mechanical system for errors and noticed that when the draftsman moved part of a system 5 inches upwards, the bolt shafts made the move but the respective bolt heads didn't. We've decided these are called "wormhole bolts".

 

[jobyts]

Wife: Honey, I think I'm going to do it. I want bigger boobs. I want $5000 to get a boob job.

Husband: We don't have $5000 to spend on boobs right now, why don't you take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your boobs 2-3 times a day.

Wife: Toilet paper? Why will that make my boobs bigger?

Husband: Beats me, but look what it has done for your a$$ over the years!

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
A: Halfway.

 

[FizixFreak]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SbwmooRTBI&feature=related"

Really what are the odds of that heppening?

 

[Lisa!]

 

[Lancelot59]

Besides the grammar, funny. I wonder how an actual vegetarian would react to that.

 

[FizixFreak]

But what about the poor little insects that live under that rock who would want to destroy their home...,now that would be cruel

 

[FizixFreak]

PATIENT:Doctor please help me! i pee at 6am and poop at 7am

DOCTOR:I don't see what the problem is.









PATIENT:I wake up at 8am!

 

[jobyts]

But what about the poor little insects that live under that rock who would want to destroy their home...,now that would be cruel

Eat light. Be a breatherian.

 

[DaveC426913]

Eat light. Be a breatherian.

Anyone (old enough to) remember Bloom County? They had a sketch where they hung from trees to avoid stepping on bugs and had filters over their mouths so as not to breathe bacteria.

 

[OmCheeto]

Anyone (old enough to) remember Bloom County? They had a sketch where they hung from trees to avoid stepping on bugs and had filters over their mouths so as not to breathe bacteria.

I'm old enough! But don't remember that particular set.

Anyone old enough to remember this one:

I'd rather have a bottle in front o' me than a frontal lobotomy.​

 

[FizixFreak]

Anyone (old enough to) remember Bloom County? They had a sketch where they hung from trees to avoid stepping on bugs and had filters over their mouths so as not to breathe bacteria.

I saw a documentary about an african tribe that also "filtered" their mouth for same reason can't remember the name of that tribe it was very long time ago does anybody has any information about them?

But i just couldn't understand how someone so premitive would even know about microoraganisms or they just found that out when they came in contact with outsiders i.e normal people.

HIPPIES:Dude you know about the millions of becteria you kill when you inhale?

TRIBESMEN:SH*T...,we need mouth filters.

 

[jobyts]

Anyone (old enough to) remember Bloom County? They had a sketch where they hung from trees to avoid stepping on bugs and had filters over their mouths so as not to breathe bacteria.

Some of the Jain Monks do it even now.
From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ahimsa_in_Jainism,

the concept of Ahiṃsā is so much intertwined with Jainism that it conjures up images of ascetics who cover their mouths and sweep the ground before them with small brushes to avoid injuring the most minuscule forms of life and Jain-owned animal sanctuaries where even the sickest, most deformed birds and beasts are protected and cherished.

 

[Lisa!]

 

[FizixFreak]

Eat light. Be a breatherian.

I think phototerian would be the right word!

 

[IMP]

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same caliber."