Collection of Lame Jokes

[Ivan Seeking]

In a news story, it was mentioned that someone at Ebay sold a picture of Jesus. It was actually signed by Jesus!

 

[Ivan Seeking]

International symbol of marriage is Approved

New York-AP- On June 27th, 2005, after 5 years of heated debate, the Commission of Human Rights approved the new International Symbol of Marriage
http://img363.imageshack.us/img363/2847/marriagesymbol3bk.jpg

 

[Ivan Seeking]

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's office?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Virgil Smith. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

The phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yep!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

 

[newp175]

Lame jokes huh? Everything in the science joke thread

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Q. How do they make Alpha-Bits?
A. They use a cereal printer.

Ivan Seeking, you reminded me of this old one.

 

[JamesU]

From Pulp Fiction:

One day there was these three tomatoes walking down the street, a mama tomato, a daddy tomato and a baby tomato. the baby tomato was walking too slow, so the daddy tomato went back, stepped on him and said ketchup!

 

[Ivan Seeking]

The trial of Saddam Hussein ended today.

He was sentenced to a weekend of hunting with Dick Cheney.

 

[edward]

Why did the fox cross the road?

To eat the chicken.

 

[jimmy p]

There was a story in the newspaper about a 4ft fortune teller who escaped from jail. The headline was "Small medium at large"

 

[Mk]

There was a story in the newspaper about a 4ft fortune teller who escaped from jail. The headline was "Small medium at large"

ROFLCOPTERS! This one deserves a 3x3!




And the Jose and Hose B one!

 

[jimmy p]

ROFLCOPTERS! This one deserves a 3x3!

ROFLCOPTERS at ROFLCOPTERS! Have a 3x3 for yourself!






I'm going to have to use roflcopters in as many conversations as I can now.

Have you heard about the latest male contraceptive pill?
You put it in your shoe and it makes you limp.

 

[Mk]

Yeah, somebody vandalized a Wikipedia article, the rofl one, and it said that roflburgers and roflcopters are meant to be super-rofl's.

Roh-fuhl-copters (as in helicopters)

Ha, now I say it.

 

[jimmy p]

What is black and brown and looks great on a lawyer?

A Doberman.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Did you hear about the iron worker who walked into a bar?

Or did I tell that one already?

 

[Mk]

Ay! Ivan! Where's your Oppenhimer and Kaku quotes?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

on gas station restroom walls, all over Oregon.

 

[Mattara]

Some computer users require a bit of hand holding. Others deserve to have them cut off and stuffed up their... well...

Once upon a time I was doing a support call -

"... Ok, now type cd space..."

sounds heard from the user: "click click, clickclickclickclickclick"

"... um, excuse me sir, what did you just type?"

"cd space."

"... nononononono, space BAR, space BAR!"

"ahhh. clickclickclick."

"... nononononNONO!, the space bar! that big horizontal thing at the bottom middle of the keyboard! Hit delete."

"ahh. Why? How will delete help?"

"It'll abort what you just typed. Just hit it."

"Click. OK."

"... Great, now type ... cd ... SPACEBAR..."

Lots of clicking noises, I decided to ignore for the nonce...

"... slash"

"Slash?"

"... yes, it's the key below the question mark."

"Ah... "

"... and hit return."

:silence: "click click click click click click"

"Noooo! Noooo! the return key! the return *key*!"

"I don't have a return key."

"Alright, ENTER, then."

"Enter what?"

:under my breath: "the gates of hell." "The ENTER key, hit it please."

"Ah. Hokay, it says file not found."

"What?! - listen, what do you do there at XYZ Inc?"

"I am system administrator for whole network."

"Do you have a secretary or someone there I could talk to?
You see, we've got another couple hundred letters to type and I don't
have that kind of credit with Ma bell..."

I sent him a copy of typing tutor that day. FedEx. I then called in
sick for the rest of the week, hoping to avoid further blood pressure
problems.

Friday he called in, asks for me specifically. Seems he needed help
on getting typing tutor installed!

 

[BobG]

The only reason computer support staff have such a hard time is because computer software engineers don't know how to write good error messages. A good computer would provide an error haiku. Some examples:

Wind catches lily,
scattering petals to the ground.
Segmentation fault.


With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence
File not found.


First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.


You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.


Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, reboot.
Order shall return.


Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.


No keyboard present.
Press F1 to continue.
Zen engineering.


Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Did you hear about the gay internet?

Just type C:[Enter]

 

[Mk]

Here's a good one I made myself:

If God had meant for man to count higher than 1,048,575, he would have given him more fingers and toes.

 

[Mattara]

What does a lemon strapped to a wheel look like? A car!

 

[star.torturer]

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

very popular with windows

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

Your file was so big.
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

http://www.rickyseabra.com/windows_haiku.html

Did you hear about the fish that went deaf?
He had to buy a herring-aid.

What did one teddy bear say to the other teddy bear when he offered him some dessert?
No thanks, I'm stuffed.

i could bring an end to this topic, by posting this link http://rinkworks.com/jokes/

@MK: oh but what about 12345678910, that's easy to count using your fingers

 

[wolram]

I can never remember jokes, where any of these funny?

 

[Physics_wiz]

Why did the monkey fall off the tree?

Because it was dead.

 

[siddharth]

Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?

 

[Rach3]

What's so funny about the first derivative of:

$$f(x)=\frac{r^3}{3}$$

In white:

f'(x)= (3r^2)/3*dr = r^2 dr = r r dr = r dr r

(From The Simpsons, episode number 2)

That's not a derivative, that's a differential.

 

[Rach3]

Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?

Short cut.

 

[t!m]

That reminds me of a combined joke...

1.)Why did the elephant paint its testicles red?

To hide in the cherry tree

2.)What is the loudest noise in the jungle?

A giraffe eating cherries.

Which reminds me of ...

1) How do you get an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open the door, put him in, close the door.

2) How do you get a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door.

3) The jungle has a meeting, who doesn't attend?
The giraffe, he's still in the refrigerator.

4) How do you cross a river inhabited by snakes?
Walk (or swim) right through it; all the snakes are at the meeting.

In retrospect ... I'm not even sure that was a joke.

 

[Mattara]

2) How do you get a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, close the door.

You chop of its head

 

[Schrodinger's Dog]

Favourite bad jokes of all time:-

What did Hitler say to his men before they got in their tanks?

Men get in your tanks.

-----

How do you make gold soup?

add 24 carrots/carats.

-----

Why are their no asparin in the jungle?

Because the parots eat 'em all (paracetemol)

-----

Can't get enough of Christmas cracker classics.

 

[JamesU]

^^Those are terrible

 

[star.torturer]

FOR THE ENGLISH!
what is brown, and comes out of cows bacwards?

the southampto ferry

(cows to Cowes)


there are 2 fish in a tank,
1 says to the other-

how do you drive this thing

 

[Ivan Seeking]

The latest study of the new "Viagra for women" indicates that indeed, four out of five woman taking the drug can fake it more effectively.

 

[NoTime]

... A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang.
When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there.
The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again.
When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.
The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again.
It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance.
He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds.
He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought for a moment and said,
"Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."

 

[jcsd]

One of my all time favs

Two Romans standing in Alps circa 218 BC

1st Roman: "look a flock of elephants!"

2nd Roman: "Herd"

1st Roman: "Herd of what?"

2nd Roman: "Herd of elephants"

1st Roman: "Yes of course, there's a flock of them over there!"